more mourning

every year i look forward to the end of tisha b'av and the three weeks. it is always such a serious time. this year im looking forward to the end of the three weeks, but i keep thinking , "and then what?"
im still in avelus. in fact this year i was very glad it was sephirah when i was first sitting shivah. during the three weeks everyone is mourning. misery does love company.
then again after tisha b'av ends i will still have another eight and a  half months of avelus.....

yizkor

its very interesting how during the shalosh regalim yizkor is said. is it because even when we are happy we are supposed to be sad? or is it because we should officially remember our departed loved ones on a holiday because they are not here to celebrate with us? i don't claim to know why.

some people wait a year after their loved one dies to say yizkor, others say it on the first holdiay yizkor is said and thereafter. i decided to start saying yizkor on the first holiday yizkor can be said. there was so much postponement with my father's death (as in the shivah ) that i decided that i would start saying yizkor as soon as it was possible. i must say its a weird experience. i have always looked forward to the yizkor service on the shalosh regalim and especially on yom kippur because it was an opportunity to have a break during davening. oh well.. no more. now i get to participate in the yizkor service.

at first it was hard for me to understand why it is that a child mourns a parent for a year, but a parent who loses a child only mourns a month. now i understand. a parent is supposed to pass on before a child . even though it is hard to process it is not as difficult as a parent losing a child . this is not the way of nature. if a parent had to be in avelus for a whole year after losing a child they may not be able to take it.

a spouse only mourns a lost spouse for a month. this isn't because they should remarry. someone could remarry even if they are in avelus. i think that the real reason is because a spouse is a peer.( same as a sibling who one mourns only one month) also if they were required to have all of the restrictions of avelus for a whole year it could be fatal.

the only time one is required to do a whole year for avelus is for a parent because this is the natural order of life. even though it can be extremely painful to lose a parent, no matter what one's relationship was with them was, a child can take the year of restrictions because it is more for honoring ones parent than for one to be in a state of depression for a year. a child is able to do this whereas a sibling, spouse or parent cannot.

yizkor means to remember. to remember the deceased is not to remember how they died but to remember how they lived even though we wish it were longer.

restrictions

when i think about people who are really strict about their year of avelus for a parent i think that its a miracle that we don't hear about more suicides . some people wont get together in large groups . they wont watch tv or listen to recorded music at home. now if one doesnt watch tv or recorded music anyway its no big deal. if one is anti-social ,then being completely withdrawing from society is a welcome mitzvah.

according to maurice lamm in the jewish way in death and mourning the prohibition of joining in joyful occasions during avelus really refers to going to the meal at a religious event such as a wedding, bar mitzvah or bris. some people have extended this to all public get togethers and according to him this is what people have accepted upon themselves. well, i wonder who provides the prozac(oh thats assur too) ? not attending a wedding , bris or bar mitzvah isn't as bad of a restriction. there are ways to get around this as well. one can even get around this restriction by having a job at the simchah. weddings , a bar mitzvah or a bris are very public expressions of simchah so i understand why they are prohibited. not getting together in groups for any social occasion is another issue. im single. i live by myself. when im sad i NEED to be with others to help me get out of my sadness. to prohibit me from being social is like saying " you are sad and you dare not feel better for a year". it may take a year to feel better after losing a parent . one also might not feel so social anyway. my problem is mandating these "rules" instead of letting a person see how it goes. the depth of feelings one feels after losing a parent is more intense than one can imagine. if i would feel as intensely sad as i did during shivah it would be dangerous to my health. now that i am back in new york and have gotten together with my friends i feel alot better. just because one is trying to get out of deep pain and loss doesn't mean one has forgotten what has happened. it just means one is not a suicide risk.

the biggest issur during avelus is live music, because it has such a power to uplift someone. great. again , just push me over the edge of a cliff why dont you ? truthfully, i dont really go to so many concerts . i go to the jewish music cafe in park slope a few times a year and the summer concerts in brighton beach. the summer concerts in brighton beach are amazing. i will miss them this year if i have the strength to resist. we will see.

when one is single one is allowed to attend singles functions, parties, date , etc. even if there is live music. so i guess if i really want to be creative i could consider the concerts in brighton beach a singles event. LOTS of singles are there. i may be pushing the envelope , but my need for things being normal again is great. true singles events aren't that enjoyable anyway.

if i were a man i would be saying kaddish everyday for eleven months. though it is a pain to do im sure, i can see its function. it is also an action one is doing to memorialize the deceased as opposed to another restriction. some people take on another mitzvah to remember the deceased . this is more meaningful to me. i have to think of a mitzvah to take on that i think i will be able to be consistent about.

in my opinion remembering the deceased, reconciling the fact that one's relationship with them is now in the past. being able to return to living in the present is the idea of avelus. being able to move on and not being paralyzed by the pain is an important part of mourning. from what i can see this is not a part of the jewish tradition of avelus. too bad. it should be.