I Argue Therefore I am

        Ever go out on a date with an arguer? Unfortunately I have. You know the type. You go out with someone and all you do is bicker. When you get home all you can think is how great that fiasco is over. A few days later he calls and asks you out again. This always used to floor me until I realized that there are some people who love to argue so much that they consider it a vital part of their relationships.
      Its not that I never argue. I do. Its just that I don't like to constantly bicker with someone. I have endured Shabbos lunches with whole families of arguers. I can feel my blood pressure rising all the way til desert. Life has enough strife. No need to add to it  by inviting an arguer into my life.
   
        

Going it Alone

     I have been single my whole life so I guess I'm used to it , but there are some things that are just better done with another person. I always think about this when I buy a pint or quart of ice cream. If only there was someone else to share it with.  Jewish holidays are when I always think how nice it would be to be married. Going to comedy clubs, plays or movies are times when its preferable to go with someone else.
     I have lived alone longer than I would like to admit and I enjoy it. But sometimes when I have company  I kind of miss not having anyone else around when they leave.
       I suppose a roommate or friend can substitute when was needs company, but roommates come and go. Friends are looking for their own relationships. It would be nice to have the companionship and stability of a spouse even though that too is not always everlasting.
       Though it can be done, I don't think life is meant to be lived alone.

 

listen

     So many people play interviewer while dating . I don't and somehow I find out a lot more about people than the interviewer types. This is because I actually listen to what the other person is telling me about himself. Its not that I do not ask any questions , its just that  I don't opt for mistress of interrogation mode.
People tell you everything you need to know about them, if only you would listen.
     If a guy tells me he is at a specific religious level that is not mine  i believe him. If someone tells me that he does not want to get married  I believe him. If a tells me that he does not want to marry me I believe him. I don't second guess him and think that I know better when the person himself has stated clearly and specifically differently. Who knows a person better than ones self? Believe what a guy tells you about himself. He means it. He does know himself better than you do. Spare yourself the heartache and just listen.

can't always go it alone

     Some people are never on their own. They always are in a relationship or they are co-dependent with their parents . They never learn to navigate life on their own . I have always envied these people. Even when I was a kid I felt alone. My parents were always so busy with my younger siblings that I felt like I had  to fend for myself. This was not all bad, but it does not help when I need to ask for help from others. Sometimes a person really needs to ask for help from someone else and when you are so used to solving problems on one's own it can be hard. It can also be hard to rely on someone else's help when one is not sure one can trust the other person enough to rely on their help.

celeste and jesse forever

    I saw the movie Celeste and Jesse Forever today.  CJF  is about a married couple that was going through a divorce yet they could not cut the cord because they were each others best friend. This movie gave deeper meaning to the saying "can't live with you , can't live without you". Without giving away the entire plot I will say that I think that this thought is so profound on so many levels. In some cases some people who are married don't really know how great they have it, but divorce because they think that they could find something out there that is even better than what they have now. I of course am speaking of someone who is in a pretty good situation and most likely did not date too many people before they married. Couples really need to try and work things out if things are mostly good. Once a couple breaks up there is no turning back so if you think things have a shot in h$@l of possibly working out it behooves you to try and fix things. Then again sometimes its time to move on and no matter how much you want something to work out it just isn't going to .
     I realize that writing about marriage issues is outside my expertise as I have never been married, but I really was moved by this movie. It had a lot of good think questions  that can be applied to those who are in relationships even if they are not married. Often things are shades of gray  and not just black and white.

sad but true

I found this gem on facebook and I just had to share.

the ebb and flow

friendships like most things in life  wax and wane. one day a person could be BFFs with one set of friends and not long after be one the outs with the same crew. life changes, people change. perhaps this makes me anti-social, but sometimes the politics of friendship or rather the politics of group friendship often makes me want to retreat into my own world.of course this doesn't last long. no one is an island,  as much as id like to dump everyone and live on my own solo island after awhile i need to get out of my own head and mix with others. people can drive me crazy but they also keep me sane.
friendship may ebb and flow  but  mostly friendship flows. which is what i count  on.....

don't humor me

many women say that they are looking for a guy with a good sense of humor . not me .  i like men who are able to laugh, just not the comedian types. when every word a man says is a joke it gets old fast. i can never have a simple conversation  with him because he first has to make light of whatever i am saying before i can actually tell  him what it is i've been trying to say.
if a guy always has to joke and tease i always wonder what it is he is trying to distract me from finding out .
comedians are fun to watch on tv or in a comedy club, but not so much fun to date.

playing hard to get

ever wonder why when one isn't  interested in a guy he is always calling, but once one actually becomes interested in him he becomes ambivalent and barely calls? i don't wonder . i know why . when someone is chasing after me they never have to evaluate whether or not they are truly interested in me because it is still a fantasy. once i become interested then it becomes a reality. then he actually has time to obsess about his actual feelings now that it could be a reality. this is why guys like it when women play hard to get (and vice versa). reality is much tougher  to fall head first into than mere possibility.

super talkers

yes , we all know them. and they are usually women. who are they? im speaking of super talkers - people who are fun to talk to but once engaged in conversation its hard to escape. i don't mind them so much if i see them in a random non-social environment, but they are deadly to speak to in shul or at a singles event because they zap you in and you can't get away and no one else comes by to say hello when you are talking to them because they don't want to get stuck as well. super talkers are nice people but they have tentacles. i used to talk to them more often but i find i like to talk to a variety of individuals who are preferably male at a  social event , not just one person.
recently ive taken to only speaking to super talkers for a few minutes and then i excuse myself. i usually feel bad when i excuse myself, but its worth it. every time i get sucked in and only talk to a super talker at a social event i regret it afterward.
i don't think that super talkers mean to monopolize my attention , its just that they can't help it or its the only way that they will have a long conversation with someone.

no regrets

no one knows how long we have to mend broken relationships that we have in our lives. life and death happens and we have no control over either. sometimes we are fortunate to fix things and other times we aren't. i admit that i haven't always been lucky enough to beat the clock in these situations but in others , by the mercy of h-shem i have been.
unfortunately we don't  know how much time we have with people and unless we are clairvoyant we probably would not  act any differently given a second chance at the same situation. we would still  think that we would  have forever to change things.
its best to move forward and try not to wallow in the could haves and the should haves . best to learn from the past , but also realize that as much as we must employ our best  efforts,  no one is perfect.

the wind

every so often i meet a guy who is as tangible as the wind. he touches my heart with the power of the wind and is just  as difficult to hold onto. let me explain. some guys act like they are here to stay but really aren't. just when i start thinking they will really be there for me they aren't. just like the wind. they think they might want to be with me but really they want to leave me with a chill. they can't be the one because their feelings about me are just as fleeting as the summer breeze. you feel the breeze but you cant touch it. i try not to let the wind fool me, but sometimes its hard not to want to believe that the  smarting tears the wind emotes from my eyes are for someone more visible than kramer's invisible glass coffee table.
i like cold weather, but i have never liked the wind.

bad assumptions

after i graduated college i had "friends" who would tell me that i didn't want to get married when i was in college. whenever they said this i would respond "that's news to me". they were assuming that just because i didnt get married when i was in college that i must not have wanted to. now while it is true that i didnt date anyone that i wanted to marry when i was in college that doesnt mean that i did not want to get married when i was in college.

recently someone told me that they thought that anyone without children is selfish. bad assumption. just because one does not have children does not mean that one does not want children. since this was a divorced guy i was especially offended. alot of single men are EXTREMELY selfish. the other thing is that for a single woman without children to marry a divorced man with kids she is the one with the short end of the stick. she is marrying a man with lots of baggage. she is single but does not have the baggage of of a divorce. this type of guy isnt always so optimistic about a future marriage because he is divorced . he also wants to make sure no one "takes advantage" of him as much as his first wife did so he is planning on being less giving than he was to his first wife because she had "dumped" on him so much. im assuming alot about this divorced man. i may or may not be right. THIS IS THE POINT.

NEVER ASSUME.

the finality of death

the thing about death is that it is so final. one cant go back and change what happened. they are still going to be deceased. you cant ever ask the deceased a question about anything. they are dead. you cant work on or change your relationship with the the deceased because , again, they are dead. the worst part is that it takes a long time to sink in . one knows these principles, but they are hard to internalize.

define feminism

feminism as with all labels is subject to interpretation. to me feminism means equal pay for equal work. i work very hard at my job. i deserve to be paid as much as a man would if he had my job. i believe that even if a woman eventually becomes a stay at home mother, she should be able to support herself financially. preferably a woman should live on her own and have a job that supports herself before marrying. she doesn't have to have a high paying job to do this. its just important to be able to know one can be self sufficient. of course , even saying such a notion makes me seem dated. most women do work to support themselves before they marry unless they marry very young (at 18-21) . even if one does marry this young one should know what its like to work even if its part time. it gives one confidence and makes one realize that money doesn't grow on trees.

some feminists believe that a woman shouldn't need men. i suppose what they mean is that one should be comfortable enough with ones self that one doesn't have to always be in a relationship to feel complete. its good to feel satisfied with who one is and where one is in life regardless of ones marital status. i also think that feeling empowered as a woman does not cancel out the need to get married or have a boyfriend. just because one wants to get married and have a family does not mean you are not being a feminist. to me feminism is all about the choices. one should be able to be a married with children career woman or a stay at home mom. everyone does not need to be a clone.

dedicated to my bus boyfriend...

they say some people have work boyfriends .( or actually i think they call them work husbands) well i had a bus boyfriend. what is a bus boyfriend you ask? i will tell you....

i live close enough to the subway to walk, but there is a bus that i can take to the train if i so desire. sometimes i take the bus . sometimes i walk. there used to be a mentally retarded man who would ride the bus at that time of the day. he would always give me a big greeting when i would get on the bus and get the bus driver to wait for me if he would see me running to catch the bus. he was even jewish. of course it was hard to avoid the fact that he was mentally disabled. he used to try to wake anyone who was resting their eyes in the morning on the bus. why didn't they just go to sleep a little earlier so they would be more awake? he would say. or he would ask me if i would sit in the front row at his camp production . sometimes he would talk about his roommates at the group home and his counselors.

still in all, he was nice looking and about my age. i kept thinking how it was too bad that he was mentally retarded. at times he rated as the kindest guy in my life for those few years that he rode the bus with me. eventually he moved and stopped taking the bus. sometimes i see him walking to the train and he greets me like a long lost friend.

some people who find out they are going to have a mentally retarded child decide to abort them. and im embarrassed to admit that i would prefer not to have any kids than to have a mentally retarded child. however, after getting to know my bus boyfriend i have grown to appreciate the value of a mentally retarded individual. they may never be of normal intelligence, but they are capable of bringing joy to the world in their own special way.

the opposite of love

is hate really the opposite of love? i think that the opposite of love is indifference. one doesn't dislike the person enough to hate them. one is indifferent. indifference is what one feels long after the feelings of love has evaporated. i feel indifferent about many lost loves. where once the mere thought of them may have warmed my heart or made me see red, the sea of indifference has washed it all away.

matters of opinion.....

to me a most important indicator of whether or not a relationship is going to last is defined by the results of an argument. not who "won" the argument but moreover are you still on speaking terms after said arguement? what is the other person's fighting style? do they fight fair or do they use an argument as an excuse to dredge up every flaw they see in the other person? is this someone who always likes to pick a fight? or is the other person non-confrontational? do they hold a grudge after a fight? are they usually calm but let things build up and explode every so often? are they always exploding about everything? are they always right or do they think they are always right? do you think they are ever right?
no one agrees about everything . im actually more afraid of not arguing with someone im dating than arguing with someone im dating. you know its bound to happen. if two people never disagree why is that? is the other person afraid to express a difference of opinion? do they think that it wont last anyway so why bother arguing ? are they hiding something? when is the other shoe going to drop????
for me i need to be able to know that i can feel comfortable expressing my opinion and my difference of opinion. i need to feel like i can deal with the way the other person expresses their differences of opinion. i tend to be non- confrontational, but dont let that fool you... eventually even the coolest cucumber can have their feathers ruffled. difference of opinion isnt the problem . what happens afterward is.....
thats the test....

challenges

i think everyone's mother has told them to just be oneself when dating and someone will love us for who we are. easier said than done. ever the crowd pleaser, its easy to figure out what someone else likes and try to be it. the problem is if what someone else wants in a prospective date isnt what one is and one tries to be this just to please the other. not good. its hard being honest and really being oneself. its hard to find out that when one is ones true self someone else may not like them. if things dont work out and one wasnt ones true self it doesnt really soften the blow anyway. not only has one been dumped, but one has been dumped for being someone one never was in the first place.
this is a maxim ive learned long ago, but i still find it a challenge. its hard if im rejected for being my true self, but its equally stinging to be rejected for pretending to be someone im not.
thankfully ive had several relationships with those who have gotten to know the true me so i know that its possible . i also have learned that though things may not have worked out the way i would have wanted them to i realized that my real self is likable. and its so much better to be honestly oneself . acceptance is so important. without it there is no relationship. if one isnt oneself in a relationship one cant be accepted by the other person .

rejection

i saw the movie hes just not that into you a few months ago. drew barrymore wines that in this day in age one checks their e-mail, cellphone messages , text messages as well as her old-fashioned landline answering machine just to find she has been rejected by so many versions of technology. rejection still stings the old fashioned way no matter which technology gives us the ax. too bad technology cant alleviate heartbreak.