Harrassment

     The sad part of being single is that when you try to be polite sometimes it backfires. If you just make polite conversation with someone of the opposite gender they assume you want to marry them. Most people do not think talk =marriage proposal but when they do it can become harrowing. The party who thinks they have been jilted start cursing at the unsuspecting friendly person when they do not want to take things to the next level = a date. They yell at them that the only reason the friendly person is single is because they are not interested in this nut job=them.
      I find it best to not even make eye contact whenever I feel someone crazy might be interested in me. If I am nice to them they get encouraged. If I try to ignore them they get incensed. The best is to do everything in one's power to avoid them noticing me. I hate that it has to be this way, but it is.
      The thing is that I too have said hello to members of the opposite gender who quickly walked away from me. I assumed their obvious disinterest and never gave it a second thought. Perhaps this is because I know that even though some men do not like me there are others that I like and like me back. I think that those who start harassing me are those that no one ever likes and now they are taking it out on everyone who rejects them.
      I wish I had the all of the answers, but I hope that I find my bashert soon . I feel like Dorothy trying to find the emerald city as I go down this path of singleness. She would chant lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Well amen sister.

UWS

     The haven for religious Jewish singles is the UWS (upper west side, Manhattan) I lived there for a year in college, but not since. When I graduated college most of my friends moved to Brooklyn or Queens so that's what I did. By the time I really thought of moving to the UWS as an option I had been working for a few years and was able to support myself without the help of my parents. If  I would have moved to the UWS  I may have needed some supplemental contributions from my parents. I liked being able to pay my own way so I opted to stay in the outer boroughs.
     Eventually I could afford living on the UWS comfortably if I had roommates, but in the end I opted to use that type of rent to pay for an apartment sans roommates. Why pay so much money to live with roommates? Even good roommates move on and then you are stuck struggling to pay the rent until you desperately search for a roommate you may not even like just to pay the rent.
       Some will say that it is worth overpaying to live on the UWS because there are so many singles there that it is likelier to meet one's bashert there. This is probably true. People like to delude themselves and say that few on the UWS marry because there is so much choice. That is not really true. Though there are many confirmed singles there I know many who have met and married their spouses because they lived on the UWS.  Unfortunately the only way that I could afford to live  there comfortably is if I had several roommates. After having lived in my own apartment for years this does not appeal to me at all, especially since there is no guarantee that this type of arrangement would be short term.  Whenever I had roommates, even good ones, it did not feel like it was really my apartment. I cannot say I really want to go back to that.
          If I had the money to live as I do now on the UWS  I do not want to live like a grad student at this point . I want to enjoy my life, enjoy my space. I  do want to get married, but I also realize that my life right now is my life and I can't keep living life on hold. I have friends who will say one should only live in a basement apartment until one gets married because it will be an incentive to get married. Maybe, but maybe you will just end up  being middle aged and living single  in a basement. That would really suck.
      

Dorming

     I live in a very frum apartment building. Some of my single friends find the thought daunting.They think if they lived in a frum apartment building they would be living with the yenta patrol. I can't say that it doesn't exist  but for the most part people are minding their own business or not looking past their own noses which is almost the same thing.
     I enjoy the security of living in a frum building. Sometimes it feels like a dorm for adults. The crazy part is that since the landlords are pretty  frum  I am almost  surprised that they let single men rent apartments on the same floors single women rent apartments. Oops. I should not even be writing this. I might give a rabbi with too much free time the idea for another chumrah to impose. My floor is super frum .There are apartments with families or there are apartments with just single women.
     

The Ideal Age

      Recently most of the single's events I have attended have had an elderly age range. It has become downright depressing. Until last week. Last thursday I attended an event with an age range that I would have wished I would have found ten years ago. I was not the oldest person there, but if  I was ten years younger I would  have been in heaven. I saw some friends of mine who were about ten years younger than me who were very burnt out from  the scene. I can't blame them but it also made me sad. They were good catches and it made me sad that that they were so negative. The reality is that if you  don't find anyone before you are 35 it  becomes even more difficult. I wanted to say this, but I  held my tongue. I would never have wanted anyone to tell me this.  I also wanted to say that I found it hard to believe that they are having a hard time finding anyone to go out with. But I believe them. It is really hard to meet someone good . I also couldn't say much because I am still single and older than they are. The crazy part is that I am still optimistic after having my share of things not working out.
       
        

Degrees of Alone

     Being single doesn't necessarily mean being alone. One can be very alone with the wrong person. One can fill one's life with people so much so that one can forget one is single.
     When I was in my twenties I was  alone as I was single . Now I am single but I don't feel as alone as I used to. The difference is that though I am single I have cultivated friends who care about me and I care about them. True friends . Friends do not substitute for a spouse, but they are important. They are important to have even once one is married.
        Being single has forced me to work on myself  in a way that I may not have had to had I married when I was younger. I am not saying that I would not have preferred to get married when I was younger it is just that I recognize that being single has afforded me personal growth time that I appreciate. Time is time no matter what one's marital status is. It is important to make it meaningful. Or at least try to. 

The Singles Family

     When one is single one often feels like one does not have family. This is not entirely true though. When you are single you have the family of singles . The hodgepodge of singles who one is thrown together with over the years become your family. If one is single long enough one can almost miss this makeshift family when one is suddenly not single. 

Divorced Vs Single

     Is it better to be divorced rather than never married? I would think that it would be worse to be divorced than to be single never married or widowed. Often those who are divorced just want to be players and never marry again. They made a commitment and now they don't want to make a commitment ever again. Those who have never married before may or may not really want to get married but at least they aren't jaded by an awful marriage like someone who divorced might be. I never quite understand the logic of how someone divorced is considered best because they made a commitment. They made a commitment  but it didn't work out. Is that really better?
     I don't really think that either has an advantage.  Being single sucks ,but in the game of dating there can be a lot of unfair assumptions about someone's mindset based upon one's  marital history or non-history. Why not just get to know someone and their individual situation ? Oh I forgot. That would be too easy and not mystical enough. 

Rerun

     Another year of Hanukkah parties has come and gone. The same single people from last year were there. I asked a friend at one party whether they thought anyone at that party would be married next year. They got defensive and said that they would prefer to remain single than marry someone just to be wed. Well duh, but that wasn't the question. I am assuming that the couple who might be married next year would be marrying someone appropriate for them and not just to give in. Sadly I may be sitting next year with the same bunch of  jokers at yet another singles Hanukkah fest. Or maybe I will the lucky one to have hope and change occur. After all two can kvetch louder than one.

single on yom tov

     I stayed in Brooklyn for Simchas Torah. It was quiet. I went to meals with mostly women in attendance. I always wonder where the mostly male singles yom tov meals are. I know that they exist. It is too bad that they could not have been combined.
     Being frum and single on the holidays means you feel like staying home and relaxing but you also feel like you should be at a holiday single's function that might help you meet your bashert. I usually let the I'm tired and don't feel like packing side of me win. Over the years I have found that I am not alone. There is always a  large group who stay local. This year was no different.
     Perhaps next year I will be part of a couple, but this year was not so bad as a single. I spent time with friends , rested and ate too much .

endless summer

sometimes being single can kind of be like  endless summer. there is always a party to go to. there is always someone else to meet. i have met a lot of people who get caught up in all of the fun that they forget about moving forward. summer isn't the only season that is enjoyable.
i for one am sick of summer. freedom is fun, but its nice to be coupled. it might not always be summer or one long frat party , but i am ready for a change of season. after all the parties i have attended i have learned that parties are not all that and best in moderation.

a perfect world

so many singles say that everything would be perfect if they were married. others say everything would be perfect if they were rich. some parents of small children can't wait until their kids were just a little older because they would get more sleep. everyone wishes that  they were thinner. it will better when the weather is a little warmer/colder. students  can't wait until they graduate. those on the job force are looking forward to retirement. those who live in apartments would love to own houses and those who own houses think that life would be perfect if only they owned a second home in florida/israel..

yes life would be better if all of these wishes would be fulfilled. it is important to have goals and things  to look forward to .  life is occurring right now even if it isn't all we had wished it  would be. we are alive. even if we were living all of our dreams right now we would find more to hope for and more to kvetch about. the secret to happiness is enjoying the gifts of life we have now because if one  appreciates what one does have in life one will always be happy. (easier said than done!)

right back to the start

i grew up modern orthodox. for a while i had a stint as left wing yeshivish and eventually went back to being modern orthodox. i am a bit more right wing than the way i grew up, but modern orthodox i am.
i have some friends who grew up in secular jewish families who were frum for awhile,,but went back to being less observant  over time.
its not that i think that no one can maintain spiritual growth, its just that often because one grew up one way, this is the hashkafah one feels comfortable with. the other common denominator is that when one remains single it is easier to through in the towel. some friends who were frum for awhile may have stayed frum had they married. since they did not it became harder to keep the faith. its not an excuse, but it happens. it is easier to grow spiritually with a partner.
then again, everyone has to find their place religiously. sometimes it is not best for someone to be really shtark. sometimes one is better suited for a more  moderate  form of judaism. if one is more extreme it could cause one to feel too stifled.
then again, its best to feel clear about one's  own  hashkafah before marrying . this may happen when one marries a little later and can actually be a good thing. then one will be ready to grow in the best direction  alone or coupled.

married bloggers

a lot of people blog when they are single and cease blogging when they marry. its just the way it is. perhaps they had more time when they were single so they were able to blog then. married people who blog seem to  be those who started blogging when they were already married. i think that if i were married i would still blog because i have been blogging for four years . but who knows. only time will  tell. hopefully.

Pella Productions Presents - Holiday Party (Tonight Tonight)

hmm... these guys look a little older than the maccabeats. are any of them single??

engagement

when a friend gets engaged it is always bittersweet. im happy that they are able to move to the next step, but im sad because im never sure whether we will still be friends once they get married.
no matter which way it ends up, whether we remain friends or not i am still glad my friend is engaged.
of course i am envious of my friend if she is engaged, but this is good envy. it motivates me to take action and try to make it happen for myself  (though it hasn't come up with  any desired results...)
buts seriously , some people aren't envious of   their friend's engagements , weddings and children because they don't think they will ever have one. not hard not to be envious if your self esteem is that low.
other times it is easy not to feel envious because one knows how much ones friends went through to get to where they are.
yes, i am genuinely  happy for my friends when they get engaged its just that sometimes im sad for myself that i haven't gotten there myself and i guess gets worse every year that goes by because after all some people never get married . then again its good to know that some of my friends have gotten engaged and married so they don't have to continue going through all the singleness.

insecurities

when i was in my twenties i recall being a regular shabbos guest at a particular family's house. the wife was in her early thirties and the couple had five children. i had a friend who used to sometimes join me when i went for a shabbos meal at this family's home. my friend was in her early thirties and never married. once i when i was visiting this family without my friend and  the wife told me that she felt uncomfortable having my friend over because they were the same age and  that my friend was single and childless. it was an honest reaction but at the time i was taken aback. my friend should have been the one feeling uncomfortable but she was not. i think a lot of times the haves feel more uncomfortable about having than the have nots feel about not having.
several years later when i was in my late twenties, early thirties i remember visiting a former childhood friend who had been married for ten years and had five or six kids. when i went to visit her i remember feeling ignored. i didn't say anything because i just figured she was very busy with her kids and that sometimes its hard to concentrate on a guest with so many little kids  around. i also figured that i wouldn't be  visiting again any time soon because she seemed too busy to have guests. when she drove me to the monsey  bus stop  motzei shabbos on her own she apologized for not spending enough time with me during my visit. years later i visited this same friend in monsey and though she had some small children at the time her other children were older. i think that by then she adjusted to juggling her kids and having guests. this of course is quite a difficult task.
i realize that my being single can make people uncomfortable. even as a younger single it made my married friends feel uncomfortable which i thought was quite odd. in my twenties i always had the attitude that my bashert must be right around the corner and i wasn't worried about possibly always being the odd woman out.  i think that many people who are married with children unconsciously do this to singles. i think its because they feel bad for us and they don't quite understand it. unfortunately sometimes it makes them feel so bad that they don't want us around. which makes the situation worse . who wants to be excluded on the basis of one's lack of marital status?
i have a friend whose husband had cancer . he went out of his way to make sure people felt comfortable around him when really it should have been the other way around. people should have made sure to make him feel comfortable . after all  , he was the one with cancer.
i had a friend who would hesitate to tell their childless friends about her children because she thought that it would make them feel bad. personally i think they were just thinking of themselves. it made them feel uncomfortable that their friends did not have kids. well, no one wants to be the one that everyone is afraid to talk about  husbands or kids with. it makes a person feel even more left out . yes it does feel bad that others are fortunate and have families. it feels even worse to be the one everyone walks on egg shells around. there is always something someone else has that another would like to have. its far better to concentrate on what we all have in common than on what others lack.

when does it happen?

i often look at the undesirable males at singles events and i wonder how it is they turned out this way. i mean really, you look at babies. babies are so cute. when did that change occur? when and how did that adorable infant turn into that annoying clod im trying so hard to escape at a singles event?
sometimes there is a rage that builds up in a guy and makes him turn into that guy everyone runs from. it is also quite sad . if this rage hadn't compounded so much he might have remained normal.
on occasion i can identify emergence of the clod gene. some guys start to get it in their mid-thirties. its scary because you see it coming but there is nothing you can do about it. you see that rage building up within him coupled with rejection and you just know its coming. too many girls have done him wrong he says. probably he straddles the edge between cool and nerdy . he's just cool enough that the rejection of the cool girls really gets to him. this is his downfall. by the time he turns forty it is all over. he's not just a super geek he's a loser. he's mad at the world, especially at women. and now he's at the point of no return. the creepdom has taken over any sign of coolness he had ever had and he is now a bonafide loser .
im not sure that this is the reason some shadchanim think that some guys really need to get married, but if you ask me it is. if these guys would get married before the rage overtakes them they would not be the losers i encounter at singles events.

divorced is better???

often people will try to fix me up with a guy who is divorced and they will try to plug it by saying "hey at least he could make a commitment!" well, im still not convinced that its better to go out with a divorced guy than a never married guy.
alot of times the divorced guy has a truckload of baggage because he has kids. ive heard so many divorce stories that my head is spinning. i don't really know who to believe when i hear them. there is his side, her side and the truth. and of course you have to be hashem to know the truth.
my favorite divorce story is the one where the ex-wife was crazy. while this might be true, it also might not be. maybe he made her act nuts. who knows. i also love how the guys think that withholding a get is okay because a rabbi told them to. whatever. alot of the rabbis are anti-woman anyway. what do they care? meanwhile loverboy who is withholding the get is having a grand old time dating . but the rabbis said it was okay. good grief.
granted , single , never married men have their share of problems as well. they still think a scarlett johannson look alike is going to marry them even though they look like jack black. or they are fifty plus and think someone under thirty five will want to marry them.