The Right Age

      Is it better to get married older or younger. Since I have done neither it may seem odd that I am writing this. Nevertheless I have an opinion so write I shall.
      I think that it is better to get married younger because one is less set in one's ways when one is younger. One is also more likely to have biological children if one marries younger. If one marries younger and stays married to that same person one has the possibility of a deep long relationship with another person. I love seeing old couples who have spent their lives together.
     People who marry older can still have long marriages , children and a life with another person . Not everyone finds a spouse in their twenties. Not everyone is ready for marriage at a young age. A lot of people who marry young divorce and marrying young does not guarantee having children young.
       Some people who got married young regret not having the time on their own before meeting their spouse. They regret having children so young . They divorce to relive lost youth.
         No matter what age one marries one does not get everything one wants . That's just how life is. All one can do is their best .

     

The Trial of Viviane Amsalem

     I saw the film GETT ; The Trial of Viviane Amsalem at the Jewish film festival in New York City.  What a film. The film deals with an Israeli couple. The woman wants a divorce but the husband still loves her and does not want to let go and give her a divorce. The case goes on for five years. Most of the time it does not take so long to have a get given but when it does  the bitter side  of frumkeit is exposed.

  The film was first released in Israel three months ago. Divorce courts in Israel are closed to the public so for many this is the first time they had seen these proceedings. The film does not say that there should not be a gett process it just presents the issues that come up often and that have prevented so many from being able to get divorced and move on with their lives.
      The film has made quite a stir in Israel, so much so that it will be shown on February 13 at a rabbinical convention.
      What I find so interesting about this film is that it was made by a brother and sister. It is a very interesting dynamic.I felt that the film was made out of love and hope and not as a way to slam Jewish law, more as a means for dialogue and resolution.  After the screening there was a question and answer session with Shlomi Elkabetz. It is the first film about this subject that has finally forced the rabbinical courts to take notice .. I think that this is due to the respectful way that the film has portrayed this delicate issue. Of course we do not yet what impact the film will actualize, but we can only hope.
        

Life is Strange

     The other day I was trolling facebook and looking up acquaintances. I saw the picture of someone I knew  a long time ago. I thought she was happily married. Lo and behold she has an open profile and I see a recent picture of her having a divorce party.
      Who needs tabloids like the National Enquirer? Juicy gossip is all over facebook. Then again, some things are better left unknown. My friend who is now divorced got married young to a guy who loved her even though she was very heavy. His mom was very heavy so he liked big women. I had always thought that this was so sweet. When I saw them together there was so much love. It helped me believe that men have different views on who they find attractive . Then again they had been married for many years and have a daughter. I don't know what really happened. Then again, sometimes its comforting to know that even when you think someone has a perfect life maybe it isn't perfect after all. Sometimes things start out great and then things don't always continue that way. I sadly admit that sometimes misery does like company, if maybe just a little bit.
       
     
       

Neighbors

      I am the most awesome neighbor. I just found out that my next door neighbors have been divorced since September and I am just finding out now. I am so oblivious that I did not realize that I had not run in to the husband in almost a year. He really was not all that memorable to begin with , but now that I think about it I realize that i have not seen him in quite some time.
     I would say that living in the apartment right next to mine is the greatest no holds barred but there is something negative about that apartment . Both couples who have lived next to me have divorced. I guess if you are single and you live next door to me its safe. Just don't have a spouse move in with you while living in the apartment next to me.

why now ?

my friend's aunt and uncle are getting divorced after 36 years of marriage. it doesn't surprise me that this can happen.. perhaps it hadn't been right between the two of them for awhile and now finally they are ending it. it can be hard to break away from the familiar even if the familiar should be broken away from.
i myself have been at a job for a long time. it was a very good job for a long time, but now it is not. it takes a lot to remove ones self from one's comfort zone even if one knows it is the right thing to do. i realize that leaving a job is still different than leaving a marriage, but the similarity is that leaving something one has been committed to a for a long time can be difficult.

sad but true

as a single never been married woman i often am rejected on frumster by many divorced men. they often say that they prefer divorced women. i dont usually think much about it, but recently i actually met one of these guys who rejected me because i am not divorced. the sad part is that though he has kids and his profile says he is divorced he is not divorced, yet he has no qualms about rejecting me because im not divorced! he's not divorced either! he never gave his wife a get! im just not divorced because ive never been married! how could he have rejected ME? he is such a loser. i should have been the one rejecting him because he is a dishonorable married man.

in secular culture there is a concept of being "separated" from one's spouse . in orthodox judaism being "separated " means that there was no get given so basicly one is considered married. the only way for an orthodox couple to be separated is if they are divorced.

i would never date a man who has not given his wife a get. the chutzpah of these non-get giving husbands is apalling. the only ones who they are fooling are themselves. that said it is fortunate to be able to see through these these jokers for who they really are so no hearts are broken in vain.

bad assumptions

after i graduated college i had "friends" who would tell me that i didn't want to get married when i was in college. whenever they said this i would respond "that's news to me". they were assuming that just because i didnt get married when i was in college that i must not have wanted to. now while it is true that i didnt date anyone that i wanted to marry when i was in college that doesnt mean that i did not want to get married when i was in college.

recently someone told me that they thought that anyone without children is selfish. bad assumption. just because one does not have children does not mean that one does not want children. since this was a divorced guy i was especially offended. alot of single men are EXTREMELY selfish. the other thing is that for a single woman without children to marry a divorced man with kids she is the one with the short end of the stick. she is marrying a man with lots of baggage. she is single but does not have the baggage of of a divorce. this type of guy isnt always so optimistic about a future marriage because he is divorced . he also wants to make sure no one "takes advantage" of him as much as his first wife did so he is planning on being less giving than he was to his first wife because she had "dumped" on him so much. im assuming alot about this divorced man. i may or may not be right. THIS IS THE POINT.

NEVER ASSUME.

would you rather?

would you rather have cancer than aids? would you rather be single than divorced with 3 special needs children? would you rather get married at forty and be childless and happily married for fifty years or marry at twenty, have four kids but be widowed at fifty? would you rather have psoriasis and no wrinkles or clear skin and wrinkles? would you rather have noisy neighbors and live in a safe neighborhood or would you rather live on a farm in new mexico? would your rather be single than married to tiger woods?
i really don't know the answers to any of these questions, nor do i want to. these are the types of incoherent things people like to ask singles when they kvetch about being single. when i kvetch i don't want a would you rather diatribe, id like someone to suggest someone appropriate for me to go out with or just just listen and not say anything. i would rather not be asked would i rather.

kid stuff

i know that time marches on and as one gets older one has to be open to dating someone who has kids. this concept never thrills me because though ive always wanted to have kids of my own, i always wanted to have them after at least nine months of marriage, not at the first day of marriage. aside from numerous other considerations in this department the one thing that always throws me for a loop is this one. WHAT do you do if you're dating someone with a kid and they show you their childs photo and you just think they are just so (fill in the blank) and you dont think that you could relate to them? i realize that this is just a picture and though worth a thousand works it doesnt necessary portray the best image of said child, but still. even if i might really like the guy im always thinking, sheesh i hope his genetics arent real strong. this kid is ugly as sin, snotty, jappy, chutzpadick, etc. you pick your character defect. once this did happen to me but the relationship didnt last long enough for this to be a problem. the thing is it did make me wonder what would have happened if it would have progressed further. would it have progressed further? could i have gotten past this ? would i want a kid who would look and act like this spawn? its hard to know for sure. when someone has a kid they are a stronger part of them than their future intended. so you really gotta like this kid. or ditch the relationship.

i never really dated anyone with kids for all that long for me to have to really face this issue, its just something i ponder every so often.

status

single.divorced . widowed. which is the best status to hold when one isnt married? my first answer is whatever ones status is it is the least desirable to be. my next answer is a little more complicated. depending on one's age divorced can be considered better than single. ah.. but the clincher is this . if its better to be divorced than never married, is it better to have been divorced several times than it is to have never been married? this my friends levels the playing field. it may scream commitment phobe if one has never been married , but to have been divorced several times may mean one is co-dependent and desperate and can never be without a spouse. unless of course one is over seventy. by seventy it could be perhaps be just a function of longevity to be divorced once and widowed twice. its a bit different for them than us younger folk.
it may be positive that a divorced individual can make a commitment, but then again a divorced individual might still have many commitments due to having made that prior commitment. this would be in the form of children. i love kids and would love to be a parent, but to be a stepparent is a different species altogether. if one has never been a parent it could get sticky. if one has been divorced oneself and has kids this too is a challenge.
the best case scenario of course is to get married young and to each be the others first spouse. for those of us who are going the (extremely) delayed adolescent route our basherts will run full gamut of statuses (single-divorced-widow).

the women's minyan

i just read naomi ragen's play the women's minyan. despite the controversial title, it was more sad than controversial. it was a play about divorce and spousal abuse in the haredi community in israel . often when haredi women want to divorce their husbands the husband ends up with the children. or at least according to this play. i dont really know what the truth is. i do believe that a woman leaving her husband due to spousal abuse would be courageous in a community that shuns psychological help and doesnt always admit it needs psychological help. to admit there was spousal abuse in a family would be too open and that would prevent many from seeking help. in general abused women often stay in abusive relationships longer than they should.
divorce in general can deprive both men and women of their children. sometimes people stay in relationships far too long for this alone.
the issues raised in this play certainly are food for thought and hopefully a catalyst for change.

shidduchisms

one of my favorite things is when a longtime single "finally" gets married and everyone now guesses that they must be normal after all. weren't they normal before they got married?
i have a friend who had an older sister who got married in her late thirties and i always heard people gossiping that they thought she was weird and way too picky. turns out "too picky " meant that she didnt want to date anyone who lived out of town. now since she lived in nyc, it wasnt an unrealistic stipulation. she was living in a community where there were plenty of prospects. anyway, i knew my friend's sister and she had a great personality and was quite pretty. anyway, in the end she found someone within her age range and did marry. then all of the gossip mongers sighed a communal sigh of relief and decided " she must be normal after all"
oy vey! she was normal all along.
there are alot of abnormal people out there who get married.
and just because one actually gets married, it doesn't mean one will never get divorced.
since when has being divorced meant that one is more normal in the dating pool? no , i dont mean to bash divorced people. i would be perfectly charmed to date a divorced guy. im just saying that just because one has been married before it doesnt guarantee one's normalcy. after all ,there is a reason that they have gotten divorced. i have heard that there is an even higher rate of second marriages ending in divorce than first marriages.
there are no guarantees or perfect formulas to finding the optimal spouse because people are people and everyone is different.
there are lots of psychos who are single as well as married. marital status does not certify sanity.

bar/bat mitzvah

a few years ago there was an article in new york magazine about the extravagance of bar and bat mitzvah parties. my favorite line in the article was a marriage can end in divorce but a bar/bat mitzvah is forever. wow.
i think that the idea of a bar/bat mitzvah is profound. you take a girl or boy at 12 or 13 when they are reaching puberty and their teen years and you make them bar/bat mitzvah and tell them they are now adults and a full part of our community. im not saying that this keeps a kid in the fold , but the sentiment is awesome.

the rabbi's daughter

during pesach i had alot of time to read. one of the books i read was the rabbi's daughter by reva mann. its an autobiography. while reva mann is a captivating writer, its unbelievable that someone would want to broadcast such a revealing self-portrait. apparently reva mann is the daughter of a modern orthodox rabbi in london. she was quite a rebel while she was in high school, but at age 25 wound up at a women't baal tshuvah yeshiva--- neve yerusahlayim. she doesnt outright name the yeshiva but by her description of it and where it was located (bayit vegan) and her naming of the neve "niche"(its real name) where the bt women would by their frummie clothing, its quite obvious. anyway, while at neve the author is trying to give up her old ways and get married to someone so she could live a torah true life. unfortunately the man she married was so frum he deleted the necessity for any romance even though they somehow managed to actually have three kids. sex to her husband was only a halachah , not to be enjoyed. eventually they divorce and the author finds a nice jewish druggie to hang with. somewhere along the way it is mentioned that the author has an older sister who is mentally retarded, and that her father was the son of the chief rabbi of israel. though reva's parents did not like her former life of a drug addict and sex fiend, they didnt approve of her yeshivish lifestyle either. in about the last two pages of the book i found out that after reva leaves her druggie rebound guy when her children are small, she takes an extended break from dating. it seems that even after the divorce she maintains some level of frumkeit. most of all she seems to be a lost soul. while i do admit that it was a riveting tale, i felt almost embarrassed for the author reading her story. even though these things may have happened , why tell the entire world?

shared custody

its bad enough when i have a relationship which breaks up, but to be honest, its no walk in the park when this happens to my friends. especially friends who break up who used to be part of my chevra. who gets the friends? even a relatively reasonable couple who breaks up can make this transition difficult for the friends. like who do you hang with saturday night when each calls you up separately and wants t0 get together? of course there are always those who were friends with one party or the other to begin with and will stay friends with their pre-relationship friend. what happens when you were equally close to either party? then what? i abide by the policy of whoever calls me up first. of course this is always difficult because the second party might call me up with more appealing plans. previously it wouldnt have made a difference because if the second caller had a better plan we could have all done the second plan as a group. now its more complex . thats why i abide by my rule. otherwise things can get sticky. this gets easier, but it takes time. of course i do realize that its worst for the couple who has broken up. im just saying that the friends are like kids who now have to contend with a broken family of friends. and that ain't easy either.

verbal garbage

its hard enough attending a singles event , what makes it worse is stupid people. more specifically stupid divorced people. often when i've started chatting with other singles at a singles event the issue of marital status comes up. often the person says to me 'so you never got married?' and these words ALWAYS emanate from a divorced individual. in which case i want to tell them 'so your marriage bombed? what a loser!!' but of course i never say this. its bad enough married people can be insulting, why must singles insult each others status. its much softer to ask someone if they've ever been married than comment 'oh, so you never got married?' how rude!! its enough to get barbs from shadchanim, but to get them from singles is even worse. why make me feel bad for having never been married. i feel bad enough. and someone who is divorced didnt manage to stay married. so they should really feel worse. unless, they just like to insult single never been marrieds just to make themselves feel better about themselves , which to me is equally rude. verbal garbage directed anyone single or divorced is never acceptable in my book

divorced with children

i think the toughest guy for me to date is the divorced guy with kid(s). the reason i say this is because often divorced guys with kids dote so much over their kids it makes me feel left out. dont get me wrong. i love kids and i would love to have kids of my own. its just that it seems like they have nothing to talk about but their kids, and i have zero to add to that type of conversation . after all i dont have kids. i suppose these fellows speak of their kids so often to make it seem like they are real family guys. and of course i wouldnt be interested in a guy with kids who doesnt spend time with his kids or didnt make them a priority, its just that sometimes i feel like like these guys are talking so much about their kids that i feel like they are set. they have a life and i dont fit in . like i have nothing to add. after all they have kids and this all happened before they got to know me , with some other women. and the more they harp on about their kids the more left out and alone i feel. after all i dont have kids. i have nothing to say. the thing is i dont have a problem getting along with kids in general. kids usually really like me and i really like them. when im dating a divorced guy i want to know if they really want me and like me and that they want to be a part of my life, not just that i want to be a part of their life. i really want to know first if i want to be with this divorced guy himself because if i really want to be with him i will want to then get to know his kids and be a part of their kid's life. but the most important relationship that needs to be explored is the man/woman part because if that isnt yet a solid possibility, nothing else is (not even his kids)until this is determined.

single vs divorced

one thing that i find quite confusing is dating divorced people . now of course after about age thirty most of us opt to date divorced people just to widen the dating pool. of course if you've never been married it becomes quite an interesting experience. after all, you the single never married one arent really coming to the date on even plane with the divorced one. even if you too have experienced heartbreak it will never compare to what the divorced one has seen . and for the never married one this could be good, this could be bad. you are lucky not to have seen what the divorced have seen but then again you havent seen what the divorced one has seen . as one gets older sometimes people think that if you've never been married its a bad thing because you haven't made a commitment. if you're divorced you get the joy of making a bad choice and fearing you'll repeat the same failed marriage.of course if you've never been married you're always thinking the divorced one knows more about marriage than you because they've been there before and this can be intimidating, and if you're divorced you think you've been through it before and it bombed, and that's intimidating. of course i try to say to myself that it shouldnt really matter whether someone has been married before or not because its not only about where we have been its where we are going. having identical pasts isnt necessary. its who the person is that is important. and these thoughts go through my head before i have even met the person!! no wonder im still single!!