Soon By You - Episode 1: The Setup

   Srugim this isn't but its entertaining nonetheless. Its a chronicle of  orthodox Jewish dating on the Upper West Side in Manhattan.
      This series is about twenty some  things and it makes me realize that not much has changed in dating for Orthodox Jewish dying for twenty something's since I was in my twenties. Not sure if its good or BSD but it just goes to show there is nothing new under the sun.

Season 2, Episode 3: The Double Date

     This is sooo funny. Unfortunately its  a litttle too realistic...

Someone I don't Know

           My most favorite line I have heard on the dating trail is when people say that they want to meet someone they don't know because no one they do know could possibly be a match. Sometimes there really isn't anyone one knows who could be a match, but sometimes there is. Why not be willing to take a risk with someone one knows already? Maybe they could really be a possibility. It could work out and it could not work out , but I do not think that the probability of it not working out is any higher than if one had not known of them for awhile. Maybe the person you have been searching for has been around all along, but you did not notice them because you already knew them.

Readiness

       For some people they date and date and date and are always thinking that there must be someone even more perfect out there. For others they have to date a lot of people to get to the point that they feel that they know what is out there and then they will be ready to settle down. It takes some people longer than others to get to the point where they are ready to settle down. It is really better to come to such a realization sooner rather than later, but then again if one settles down sooner than one is ready to than it might not be the right time. Or maybe it would have been. Who knows.
       For others its not just having met enough people its more just being able to or wanting to be open enough with another person. Or finding that person one wants to take that chance with to have that connection with. Sometimes it can take you by surprise. Sometimes you realize that you already know that person you should be with but it took you a while to recognize . Or maybe it took them a while to realize it.
      If a person waits too long he/she misses out on some things they would have been able to experience had they married younger. Its better not to dwell on the past and focus on the future . Sometimes focusing too much on the past can prevent a person from moving forward.
     I am one of those who thinks of all of the possibilities before I leap. Others leap first and think later. Perhaps its better to be  somewhere in between.
      

Back up Plan

     In movies there are always people who have a friend that they say they will marry if they find no one else to marry by a certain age. In the movies that back up person always seem so cool that I wonder why they don't just marry them to begin with and and just skip the drama. I suppose that's what makes those types of movies believable. In real life someone would  not just marry their back up person, they for sure would go out with everyone but their back up person just to be certain.
       I always wondered what it would be like to have a "back up" person. Its hard enough to find any good guy let alone a back up. Sheesh. I do have a friend who ended up marrying her back up person. It would have been a lot better if they would have just married years before . For one thing having kids would have been easier. They had kids but it was not so easy. The other thing is that if someone is your back up person there is a reason for it. You rely on them enough to make them your back up person. It really is not fair to those you are dating to have a  back up person . Those people have no idea that you already have a back up plan if it does not work out with you. How unfair is that?
         For heaven's sake if you have a "back up " person save yourself the drama and just marry them . There really is not anyone better out there. Trust me....

Taking My Own advice

      I always hate forums of men and women complaining about dating together. In my mind there are always issues men will have with women and issues women will have with men whether they are real or imagined. Usually I try to keep my mouth shut and try to change the subject when these issues appear.  Not this Shabbos. I realized that even when someone (male)  is just complaining about dating in a non- gender specific rant it still bothers me. I suppose its my issue to let this bother me . None of this conversation had anything to do with me or even my dating standards.  I have to really remember to take my own advice and opt out of the conversation and just tune out like its a sports convention. 

You Can't Win

      Facebook can be good and bad. You have more access to more people than a dating website and yet someones profile can be just as off putting as a dating website profile. Someone that is a friend of a friend contacted me. He is definitely not for me religiously but that was not the disturbing part. He had photos of himself with women he had gone out with. Though he himself was OK looking the women he dated were twos on a scale of one to ten. I am embarrassed to say that it really bothered me that someone I do not even know who I am not interested in went out with some unattractive women and it made me even less interested in him. I guess its because if someone I did not know sees my picture and then is interested in me it means he thinks that I am attractive as my facebook profile is closed the only someone really sees is what I look like. He sends me a message saying he thinks I'm really pretty, but what does that mean? I see what he finds attractive and pretty to him means nice personality or smart. The crazy thing is this bit bothers me more than the fact that even if he usually dated better looking women he would not interest me. You can't win.

The Grass is Always Greener

     We always want what we can't or should not have. This adage could not be more true with regards to dating. If I had a nickel for every time a friend male or female has said to me that dating goyim is so much better than dating a Jew I would be rich. The story always goes that whatever it is that they dislike about Jewish men or Jewish women , a gentile man or woman is always kinder and more appreciative of them. I find it a shame that they feel that someone of their own religion would appreciate them more. My feeling has always been is that there are lovely people of every religion but if you want to lead a Jewish life , marry a Jewish spouse. It is sad though that I have heard so many Jewish men criticise  Jewish women so much that it makes me feel that the only people that I hear extolling the virtues of Jewish women are non-Jewish men. The world is really upside down. I work with a lot of non-Jewish women. Some are nice and some are not.
      Sometimes stereotypes ring true, but not always. If you want an excuse to do the opposite of what one should one can always find a loophole. In the end we are all people and sometimes what someone thinks they don't like about Jewish men or Jewish women is what they don't like about women or men in general, but they are too busy kvetching to realize it.

Age Issues

      Nothing more depressing than someone telling me a guy I may be interested is interested in finding someone a lot younger than I am  even though he is my age. It explains a lot- like why he has never asked me out, and though I suspected as much, its still upsetting. Men so have the advantage. What makes it difficult is that age is something that's a fact, its  not something one can do anything about. I try not to let the age thing get to me but this time it hit me like a ton of bricks.Then again, there is no guarantee that a guy looking for a much younger woman will find that much younger woman even if that is who he seeks. 

Never Tell

     When someone asks you out and you are not interested the best thing to do is say no thanks . Don't say you are dating someone . Don't make excuses. Just say no.
      A while ago a guy seven years younger than I am asked me out. I had zero interest in him. Silly me I thought that the age difference might be an issue for him so I told him my age. Big Mistake. He was still interested and now every time he sees me he asks me "What's seven years? What's seven years?" Crap. I'm not interested in  him AND he knows how old I am. If only I had been honest and just said  "No thanks , I am not interested" life would have been so much simpler.

The Ideal Age

      Recently most of the single's events I have attended have had an elderly age range. It has become downright depressing. Until last week. Last thursday I attended an event with an age range that I would have wished I would have found ten years ago. I was not the oldest person there, but if  I was ten years younger I would  have been in heaven. I saw some friends of mine who were about ten years younger than me who were very burnt out from  the scene. I can't blame them but it also made me sad. They were good catches and it made me sad that that they were so negative. The reality is that if you  don't find anyone before you are 35 it  becomes even more difficult. I wanted to say this, but I  held my tongue. I would never have wanted anyone to tell me this.  I also wanted to say that I found it hard to believe that they are having a hard time finding anyone to go out with. But I believe them. It is really hard to meet someone good . I also couldn't say much because I am still single and older than they are. The crazy part is that I am still optimistic after having my share of things not working out.
       
        

Re-dating

     One of my favorite things that nosy concerned friends like to ask is whether there is someone from my past that I would like to re-date. Usually if it didn't work then there was a good reason. Sometimes those who I would still be interested in have married. Unless the issue that breaks you up has been resolved or eliminated there isn't any reason to revisit the past.
        That said, I don't listen to my own advice and have re-dated and have been re-disappointed . I suppose sometimes re-dating works for some, but for me it has not. 

Facebook and Dating

          I am always wary of becoming Facebook friends too quickly with someone I am dating. I know that this sounds strange because this is someone who has my phone number and knows where I live yet I am slow to friend them on Facebook. If it doesn't work out then what? When is it proper to defriend them on Facebook? Usually I am fortunate and they defriend me . I say that this is fortunate because the same guys who defriend me on Facebook would have been gravely offended had I defreinded them first.
            Then there are the exes who never defriend me on Facebook. I usually limit their access to my profile, status updates, etc, but still I would prefer to defriend them . But I don't . Its easier not to.
              These are the thoughts that make me nostalgic about the days before Facebook. 

Closer

      I have always hated the old adage about how every person one goes out with brings a person one person closer to their bashert. Until today. I think that a person learns a lot from those one dates and that it is this knowledge that brings a person closer to finding one's bashert.
      The other thing that I always hate hearing about is timing and bashert. One should meet someone at the right time. Well that sucks. Not only does one have to meet the right person , but it has to be at the right time. Unfortunately this is more true than I would like to admit. Some people are not a match because they are not on the same page at a particular time. They may be a match later on because  they will be in sync then. Sometimes it would have been a match years before had two people met  , but now it is not good.

Getting To Know You

     Getting to know another person is complicated. Often when there is a  new person at work and they seem nice at first I am not quite sure if they truly are nice to the core. When I first meet someone I realize that I really do not know them. It takes a while to get to really know them. It takes time to see the patterns of their behavior and to really know what is true about them. The same holds true of dating. You meet someone. You tell them your stories, they tell you theirs but it takes longer to get to know who someone really is. To really get to know someone is more than interview Q&A. Getting to know someone over time is how one gets to know another.
       Often I meet someone on a date and even if my like for him does not change, it is always a different like later than it is from date one. When one gets to know someone they become multi-faceted in one's eyes. What one liked about the person from the beginning may have nothing to do with what one likes about them as time goes on.

Divorced Vs Single

     Is it better to be divorced rather than never married? I would think that it would be worse to be divorced than to be single never married or widowed. Often those who are divorced just want to be players and never marry again. They made a commitment and now they don't want to make a commitment ever again. Those who have never married before may or may not really want to get married but at least they aren't jaded by an awful marriage like someone who divorced might be. I never quite understand the logic of how someone divorced is considered best because they made a commitment. They made a commitment  but it didn't work out. Is that really better?
     I don't really think that either has an advantage.  Being single sucks ,but in the game of dating there can be a lot of unfair assumptions about someone's mindset based upon one's  marital history or non-history. Why not just get to know someone and their individual situation ? Oh I forgot. That would be too easy and not mystical enough. 

Picture Perfect

     Some of my friends have posted frumster profile photos that are a much better version of what they really look like. I always wonder if this is fair to them and whomever they meet on the site. The picture really is  them but it really doesn't look authentic. The picture looks so good that I almost don't recognize them. Sometimes even when someone actually resembles their profile photo when I meet them in person they don't always seem as I've imagined them. But when they have an enhanced profile photo, well... I am less forgiving.
      One guy had such an old profile photo that I walked right past him at our assigned meeting place. When I finally met up with him I was taken aback. He looked little like his photo and quite a bit older. Had I known what he really looked like I would never have met up with him. I suppose he thought it would not make a difference to me how different he looked from his photo. It may not have made a difference had I liked him,  I did not like him or how he really looked.
       It is important to have a flattering dating profile photo, but it should still look like you. 

The Best Part

     Sometimes the best part of a date is right after you get off of the phone until you meet the person. Yes I know this is rather pessimistic, but I am sure there are those of you out there that can relate. The little crunch time before the date is when one's hopes for a future relationship are still there. Once you meet up it may not be so encouraging. So I try to revel in it while hope is still there.

shidduch resumes

     Some people have a shidduch resume. It is the equivalent of an online profile on a  dating site. I would prefer to write a real shidduch resume that included all of the men I have dated. That would be more fun. I would list myself as a reference. That would surely be more helpful for all of the single women that I know. I could give a rating system. Datable , handsome, marriage material, not worth a phone call, not worth an e-mail. I could list where we went on the date as well as his profession, marital status(divorced, single, widowed) , how many kids, estimated age. Compiling a list like this would be much more fun than the current  shidduch resume format.
     Don't hold your breath . I don't think I would  really write a real dating resume. I am not sure anyone would believe me or date me . So I will hold off on compiling a real shidduch resume. Perhaps once I get married I will ....

singles events

     There are always a few people who I meet who are still single or newly divorced who do not go to singles events because they  think that they are too frum for the crowd who attends. Another reason some people refuse to attend singles events is out of shyness. If one has never gone to one it can feel overwhelming to start attending them.
     When I started going to singles events I met many of the single more yeshivish guys that I had met on shidduch dates. This is when I realized that everyone goes to singles events past age thirty. I remember encouraging an acquaintance of mine to attend a shabbaton in midwood years ago. I knew the crowd and she would have found it appropriate frumkeit wise. She declined attendance because she was too shy.
     I do not understand why a shidduch date is considered more divine than a singles event or meeting someone online. A shidduch date might  be better if those setting up know all parties involved really well, otherwise its no better than meeting someone in a bar. Actually its worse. At least when you meet someone and it clicks you know there is that . If you get set up with a dud no one was making sure you will meet someone you might like  physically or spiritually and yet you have to spend the hour or so trying to converse with them.
     I still have not found a husband and I have attended singles events, met guys online and through shadchanim. I think that there are advantages and disadvantages to each method, but I think that it is important to try each method and work the system. Eventually something will work.