Before the recent explosion off the derech "memoirs" there was Naomi Ragen. She began writing her realistic controversial fictional accounts of charedi life in 1989. Everyone seemed to grumble about her feminist anti charedi stance but at least she was a good writer. Since she was writing fiction her words were a little more palatable. At least in my humble opinion. This past week I have been reading Naomi Ragen's most recent installment THE SISTER'S WEISS . What I have realized is that I would prefer to read her books than the exaggerated and not very well written "memoirs" that are available as of late.I would also prefer to read Belva Plain's book EVERGREEN or any book by Chaim Potok for that matter.They say that truth is stranger than fiction but in this case fiction is way better written. I am sure that I will continue to read the "memoirs" of the up and coming amateurs but when I really want a good read I will stick with the professionals.
Showing posts with label off the derech. Show all posts
Showing posts with label off the derech. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Monday, August 20, 2012
on keeping kosher...
I have always found it humorous that even after some have forgone a lot of mitzvos they still adhere to the laws of kashrus. Its not that I don't believe that it is nice for people to keep whatever they can of the Torah, but I find it interesting how people who have cast off so much persist in holding onto one of the most difficult of mitzvos. In a way it is ironic that they hold on to kashrus which is meant to keep us Jews apart from others that those who have seemingly assimilated find it difficult to violate.
I also find it curious that many Jews have gastric problems. Maybe this is to remind even the most assimilated of us that we need to mind our diet. I do realize that assimilated Jews are not the only Jews who have gastric issues, but it is quite curious that for a Jew who otherwise may not be paying attention to his/her diet to pay attention to it even if its not just to keep kosher.
I also find it curious that many Jews have gastric problems. Maybe this is to remind even the most assimilated of us that we need to mind our diet. I do realize that assimilated Jews are not the only Jews who have gastric issues, but it is quite curious that for a Jew who otherwise may not be paying attention to his/her diet to pay attention to it even if its not just to keep kosher.
Friday, July 6, 2012
the cure
I remember learning in school that Hashem sends the cure before the sickness. Modern science tells us to eat healthfully and busy ourselves with preventive care so we will stay healthy. Kind of cool that this kind of is a proof for the cure being given before the illness or the solution being sent before the problem.
I always think of this adage when I see people who are off the derech. Often there are good reasons why these people are off the derech that perhaps could have been prevented if frum society was different. Once someone has flown the coop so to speak it is harder to reclaim him. It is much easier to keep someone frum before they have pushed to their limits and have left the fold. It really behooves us to try to find a way to fix things before they have reached the point of no return. I do not think that this is achieved by having a tighter leash on young people. I think that the problems are deeper than just trying to tighten the blinders. People do not want to admit that things need to be fixed which is such a shame. The more issues get swept under the rug, the bigger the mess becomes. The solutions are out there, we just have to see them. I don't mean just the educators or the rabbis. I mean all of us. It takes a village.
I always think of this adage when I see people who are off the derech. Often there are good reasons why these people are off the derech that perhaps could have been prevented if frum society was different. Once someone has flown the coop so to speak it is harder to reclaim him. It is much easier to keep someone frum before they have pushed to their limits and have left the fold. It really behooves us to try to find a way to fix things before they have reached the point of no return. I do not think that this is achieved by having a tighter leash on young people. I think that the problems are deeper than just trying to tighten the blinders. People do not want to admit that things need to be fixed which is such a shame. The more issues get swept under the rug, the bigger the mess becomes. The solutions are out there, we just have to see them. I don't mean just the educators or the rabbis. I mean all of us. It takes a village.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
kiruv vs always on the derech
there are a lot of fun singles activities out there for unaffiliated jews in the form of kiruv organizations. if you have always been frum or frum for a long while you are not welcome there. you get to go to the mediocre events for the forever frum. if you are frum and single and you go to an event for the not necessarily frum crowd you may not be the exact frum that organization is pushing so you may be a 'bad' influence. perhaps the crowd will influence you negatively. oh and chas v-shalom you might actually meet someone there and get married to them. maybe you will grow together, maybe you won't, but you might have gotten married and on to the next step.
i never understand why there aren't more organizations bent on keeping others frum as opposed to being mekarev those who are so far from judaism that its almost like you are converting them when you mekarev them.
dont't get me wrong, i am not against kiruv. i just think that if the kindness and patience extended those who are not frum was extended to those who are currently frum there may less who go off the derech. its really less work to keep the currently frum connected because they still know the path.
i never understand why there aren't more organizations bent on keeping others frum as opposed to being mekarev those who are so far from judaism that its almost like you are converting them when you mekarev them.
dont't get me wrong, i am not against kiruv. i just think that if the kindness and patience extended those who are not frum was extended to those who are currently frum there may less who go off the derech. its really less work to keep the currently frum connected because they still know the path.
Friday, March 13, 2009
intermarriage
one work issue that i always find difficult is having jewish co-workers who date gentiles. how can one be polite without making it seem like you condone their behavior? its easy to know what to say to someone when everything is theoretical, but when these are really people one knows, its a whole other bowl of wax.
i know that alot of people say that if someone wasnt raised frum what does one expect. they will be dating goyim . i dont really agree with this. there are plenty people that i know who grew up frum who have ended up dating non-jews. usually they are off the derech when they are doing this, but not always. sometimes someone is just lonely and then they meet someone who isnt jewish and though they are not going out of their way to do this they are suddenly dating someone who isnt jewish. this is not something that i would ever do, but i can see the logic.
some who date out say that they had alot of bad experiences dating in and that the gentile boyfriend/girlfriend has better midos than the jewish boyfriend/girlfriends they have had. what do you say to that? i usually dont say anything. it probably is true. but this doesnt prove that they would never be able to find a yid to have a relationship with that has good midos....they just havent yet....
currently i have a jewish co-worker who is dating a goy. he's the epitome of the boyfriend no parent would want their daughter to date AND he isnt jewish. its just so sad. her parents are plotzing, but im not sure what they would think if she actually became frum. they might not like that either. the thing is, this co-worker of mine is the type who if she went to a frum singles event she would be the belle of the ball. she'd have no problem finding someone.
of course im not the best example of how great it is to date someone jewish because im perpetually single and have more bad stories than i would care to share. i do know that its not just the jewish men who are creeps. i think that its hard to find quality men. i have gentile co-workers who also think that a good man is hard to find.
i know that alot of people say that if someone wasnt raised frum what does one expect. they will be dating goyim . i dont really agree with this. there are plenty people that i know who grew up frum who have ended up dating non-jews. usually they are off the derech when they are doing this, but not always. sometimes someone is just lonely and then they meet someone who isnt jewish and though they are not going out of their way to do this they are suddenly dating someone who isnt jewish. this is not something that i would ever do, but i can see the logic.
some who date out say that they had alot of bad experiences dating in and that the gentile boyfriend/girlfriend has better midos than the jewish boyfriend/girlfriends they have had. what do you say to that? i usually dont say anything. it probably is true. but this doesnt prove that they would never be able to find a yid to have a relationship with that has good midos....they just havent yet....
currently i have a jewish co-worker who is dating a goy. he's the epitome of the boyfriend no parent would want their daughter to date AND he isnt jewish. its just so sad. her parents are plotzing, but im not sure what they would think if she actually became frum. they might not like that either. the thing is, this co-worker of mine is the type who if she went to a frum singles event she would be the belle of the ball. she'd have no problem finding someone.
of course im not the best example of how great it is to date someone jewish because im perpetually single and have more bad stories than i would care to share. i do know that its not just the jewish men who are creeps. i think that its hard to find quality men. i have gentile co-workers who also think that a good man is hard to find.
Monday, December 1, 2008
beyond kosher....
often those who used to be frum ridicule the mitzvot because they feel they are so confining and archaic only to replace them with equally obscure rituals to replace them with. a campy old movie that demonstrates this issue is the imported bridegroom. the imported bridegroom is a movie about an american jewish family at the turn of the twentieth century. the father wants his daughter to marry a torah scholar who he imports from the old country. of course the daughter has no interest . she would prefer a doctor or a lawyer. eventually this bridegroom metamorphoses and pseudo- Americanizes. instead of remaining a talmudic scholar, he becomes a philosophy scholar.
some trade kashrut for veganism. they feel kashrut is archaic, so they trade it for the more limiting veganism. while vegetarians dont eat meat , and are often in to animal rights, a vegan takes it the extra mile and doesnt eat any animal or being by product. no eggs, dairy or honey (a bee-ing product). i lack the convictions of a vegatarian, but i can understand why they might not want to eat an animal. i dont understand the need to limit animal by products or the concept of insect abuse. vegans dont eat honey because they feel it harms bees??? this is beyond kashrut, and possibly an advertisement for kashrut. kashrut isnt as limiting.
of course , go tell a newly converted vegan this!! perhaps its the thrill of individualism that sparks these food fetishes more than idealism. after all , a major reason for kashrut is to keep us jews separate so our goiyeshe neighbors wont come for dinner that might lead them to marry our jewish daughters.
some trade kashrut for veganism. they feel kashrut is archaic, so they trade it for the more limiting veganism. while vegetarians dont eat meat , and are often in to animal rights, a vegan takes it the extra mile and doesnt eat any animal or being by product. no eggs, dairy or honey (a bee-ing product). i lack the convictions of a vegatarian, but i can understand why they might not want to eat an animal. i dont understand the need to limit animal by products or the concept of insect abuse. vegans dont eat honey because they feel it harms bees??? this is beyond kashrut, and possibly an advertisement for kashrut. kashrut isnt as limiting.
of course , go tell a newly converted vegan this!! perhaps its the thrill of individualism that sparks these food fetishes more than idealism. after all , a major reason for kashrut is to keep us jews separate so our goiyeshe neighbors wont come for dinner that might lead them to marry our jewish daughters.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
shalom auslander
foreskin's lament came out in paperback, thus a great excuse to have another book reading at borders. after reading foreskin's lament i have wanted to see the author in person. in general i like meeting authors , and due to the content of his book, i especially wanted to meet shalom auslander.
well.... in person he is a little older than the photo on his book jacket. though i read the book, i was quite taken aback by how hardened he is. he told the audience that giving up judaism was like removing a tumor , but if you ask me it didnt really help him. he doesnt appear to be the relaxed, or at peace . he got rid of a tumor, or so he thinks. hes not a practicing jew in any way shape or form, but its not like this has made him a calm , happy , zen -like individual.
a woman who had been married to shalom's relative years ago, was at the book reading. she applauded his book and was so happy he had gotten out of the clutches of his abusive family. if you ask me, his deviant family is the reason he is ranting.
as usual, this book event proved to be an insightful affair.
well.... in person he is a little older than the photo on his book jacket. though i read the book, i was quite taken aback by how hardened he is. he told the audience that giving up judaism was like removing a tumor , but if you ask me it didnt really help him. he doesnt appear to be the relaxed, or at peace . he got rid of a tumor, or so he thinks. hes not a practicing jew in any way shape or form, but its not like this has made him a calm , happy , zen -like individual.
a woman who had been married to shalom's relative years ago, was at the book reading. she applauded his book and was so happy he had gotten out of the clutches of his abusive family. if you ask me, his deviant family is the reason he is ranting.
as usual, this book event proved to be an insightful affair.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
who is a jew?
the age old question , who is a jew? well, i would like to add another one of my own. who is a frummie? well, as in the frumster religion categories, its all subjective.
i grew up outside of new york where anyone who was shomer shabbat and kept kosher was called frum . and to be frum where i grew up it was alot harder than those who are frum in the new york area. there were alot less frum people where i grew up. and guess what , the yeshivish people had to mix with the modern orthodox people because the community was that small.
truth is, new york has alot of outside influences that a smaller city does not have. hence all of the ny shtick, chumras of the months etc. people seem to feel they have to get involved in these because they think it helps them stay frum.
even though people in the new york area are more outwardly frum than i was growing up, i probably led a much more sheltered life. there were no madison avenue billboards with un-tzinius photos where i grew up. there werent any billboards period. no one took public transportation where i grew up and there was no "street life".
i think that the people here go overboard with leaning to the right because they are afraid . i believe everyone should be whatever degree of frumkeit they prefer. and no i dont believe that we all have to be cut from the same cookie cutter mold.
i think that alot of the yeshiva rebels and orthoprax people in the new york area probably would not be frum if they lived out of town, but there would be alot less fanfare made of it.
some who are orthodox, dont want to say that they are frum because they feel it has certain connotations that they dont like.
to me, the original definition of frum from my childhood still holds true.
i grew up outside of new york where anyone who was shomer shabbat and kept kosher was called frum . and to be frum where i grew up it was alot harder than those who are frum in the new york area. there were alot less frum people where i grew up. and guess what , the yeshivish people had to mix with the modern orthodox people because the community was that small.
truth is, new york has alot of outside influences that a smaller city does not have. hence all of the ny shtick, chumras of the months etc. people seem to feel they have to get involved in these because they think it helps them stay frum.
even though people in the new york area are more outwardly frum than i was growing up, i probably led a much more sheltered life. there were no madison avenue billboards with un-tzinius photos where i grew up. there werent any billboards period. no one took public transportation where i grew up and there was no "street life".
i think that the people here go overboard with leaning to the right because they are afraid . i believe everyone should be whatever degree of frumkeit they prefer. and no i dont believe that we all have to be cut from the same cookie cutter mold.
i think that alot of the yeshiva rebels and orthoprax people in the new york area probably would not be frum if they lived out of town, but there would be alot less fanfare made of it.
some who are orthodox, dont want to say that they are frum because they feel it has certain connotations that they dont like.
to me, the original definition of frum from my childhood still holds true.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
the rabbi's daughter
during pesach i had alot of time to read. one of the books i read was the rabbi's daughter by reva mann. its an autobiography. while reva mann is a captivating writer, its unbelievable that someone would want to broadcast such a revealing self-portrait. apparently reva mann is the daughter of a modern orthodox rabbi in london. she was quite a rebel while she was in high school, but at age 25 wound up at a women't baal tshuvah yeshiva--- neve yerusahlayim. she doesnt outright name the yeshiva but by her description of it and where it was located (bayit vegan) and her naming of the neve "niche"(its real name) where the bt women would by their frummie clothing, its quite obvious. anyway, while at neve the author is trying to give up her old ways and get married to someone so she could live a torah true life. unfortunately the man she married was so frum he deleted the necessity for any romance even though they somehow managed to actually have three kids. sex to her husband was only a halachah , not to be enjoyed. eventually they divorce and the author finds a nice jewish druggie to hang with. somewhere along the way it is mentioned that the author has an older sister who is mentally retarded, and that her father was the son of the chief rabbi of israel. though reva's parents did not like her former life of a drug addict and sex fiend, they didnt approve of her yeshivish lifestyle either. in about the last two pages of the book i found out that after reva leaves her druggie rebound guy when her children are small, she takes an extended break from dating. it seems that even after the divorce she maintains some level of frumkeit. most of all she seems to be a lost soul. while i do admit that it was a riveting tale, i felt almost embarrassed for the author reading her story. even though these things may have happened , why tell the entire world?
Monday, March 24, 2008
off the derech and beyond.....
i find it interesting discussing the off the derech situation with bts. they find it hard to understand how someone could grow up seeing the light and veer in the other direction. i do believe that the torah way is the right direction, but i do believe that everyone must make judaism their own. shivim panim latorah. i believe that everyone is different and though we may have different perspectives we still can be striving for the same purpose. by the same token i know that there are cracks in the system and i do understand why people jump ship. some people find it hard to be an individual and if they dont feel they can be part of the group they give up. some feel if they dont agree with everything in the torah they cant believe in any of it. i myself feel that even if some things are difficult to observe or believe that it doesnt mean i should give up everything . i dont know if i will ever achieve the same level as some, but who cares? its about the journey, not the destination. i know that there are alot of hypocrites disguised as gedolim which can turn people off. lack of derech eretz by those who should exhibit it the most is a huge turn off. i also know that just because i want to ignore being jewish that all of the mitzvot dont just go away. i also believe that being frum is such a big part of who i am that i dont want to give it up. i also believe g-d has rachmanas and i prefer to believe in a loving g-d,not one of fire and brimstone. i know that there is punishment for aveyros, but i prefer to dwell on the positive, because anything else is counterproductive. i dont have the wide-eyed wonder of a bt, but the determination to uphold the mitzvot as one who has sifted through the chaff .
Saturday, March 22, 2008
foreskin's lament
i finished reading foreskin's lament by shalom auslander on thursday morning. how appropriate.though not planned. i wasnt actually sure if i would like the book, but i did. the book is about an ex -frum guy who has a son , but isnt quite sure if he wants to give his son a bris, and the internal philosophical dialogue that goes on within his head as he makes his decision. the book also tells you how a guy like him came to be who he is today. it was quite fascinating. like many of the ex-frum i know, though he no longer has the outward trappings of a frum jew , he isnt able to extract it from his head. some reviewers i read mocked shalom auslander's rebellion because they said that he wasn't even yeshivish , so what was he rebelling against. i disagree. no matter what level of yiddishkeit one hails from one can feel oppressed. look at woody allen and phillip roth. i hail originally from outside of new york and i can tell you that being modern orthodox where i grew up was equivalent to being a satmar chasid in new york. orthodox is orthodox no matter how u slice it. if you are shomer shabbat and and keep kosher you are a religious freak to most of the world . so i do understand where shalom auslander is coming from. what was so much fun about the book is that he is speaking about frumkeit from the inside instead of as an outsider . though i wouldnt mock like shalom auslander does, i can understand the inside jokes. what is fabulous is that by the end of the book he realizes that he still believes in g-d despite all of his rantings.
the only thing that surprises me is how praised this book is in the secular world . i wouldnt have enjoyed it as much had i not grown up frum or been familiar with the frum community.
the only thing that surprises me is how praised this book is in the secular world . i wouldnt have enjoyed it as much had i not grown up frum or been familiar with the frum community.
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