Is this the UWS?

     Occasionally throughout the years people would comment after I told them where I live and say "Oh, the singles building" I of course would look at them like they had 3 heads because  what I notice about my apartment building is all of the young couples.  Others have called it the kollel building or the yeshiva, which I would call more accurate.  Fast forward to this week. I have noticed that there are more single people on my floor than couples. To say there are more singles than couples is an understatement. There are three apartments with couples and seven apartments with singles. Oy . The singles are taking over in Brooklyn . Now we know there is a single's crisis. That or perhaps the city is getting so pricey that the single and frum have deserted to Midwood. A  sad state of affairs.

     

Beyond off the Derech

     Everyone always talks about those who radically fall off the derech. While there is always quite a bit to discuss about them  there are others who fall off the path more quietly. Some people start to lose their bearings while looking for their soul mate. They try every means of meeting their mate but still nothing seems to result in marriage. Slowly they become lax about shabbos. Suddenly they go from contemplating dating secular Jews to contemplating dating gentiles. Being an observant Jew is not a task meant to be performed alone. Sometimes there are those who become overwhelmed by the loneliness of being single and shomer shabbat. I myself can get overwhelmed but being an observant Jew is too much a part of me for me to abandon it. I have friends who are not so strong . This post is not about tooting my own horn. It is hard for me to give others chizuk when I understand very well what they are having difficulty with. In a way a lot of the outreach that is going on needs to be directed at singles because they are at great danger of being lost .Some kiruv organizations often ban frum singles from their programming but they are missing the point. These singles need kiruv even if they are "just" going to these events for the singles aspect. They could do a lot worse than finding someone less frum to marry.
       It is so frustrating to be single and religious especially as a woman. At thirty you feel like and old maid. Divorced men think you are selfish because you don't have children even though the only reason you don't have any is because you are single. In the secular world many say they don't want to marry unless they want kids (and even then they may not marry). In the religious world no one wants to marry a woman unless they think she can have x amount of children. I have friends who are starting to think that since they may be too old to have kids that they don't care if they marry someone frum or even Jewish. I am not condoning their thoughts but I can understand why their thoughts are going there.
       Perhaps the reason I have remained steadfast is that though I think that having children is for marriage I also believe that having children is not the only reason to get married. Getting married is about the two people building a life together, spending holidays together, growing together as people and spiritually. Its not that children should not be a part of this, its just that if it isn't it does not mean someone should not marry. Being alone for life is not a better choice. Giving up who one is spiritually should not be an option either.

frum and single

i think i have hit my saturation point in the new york singles scene. with all of the singles here you would think i would have met mr .right. guess again. i always thought that if i did not find anyone by a certain age i would leave. i have passed that age and now im thinking now what?
i take advantage of the cultural aspects of new york city , but i also know that other cities have culture as well.  the same things that are in new york city exist elsewhere but on a smaller scale. though new york city has so much to offer, there is not always enough time in the day to enjoy it all anyway.
the job market is tough everywhere, but even the fact that i have a job right now isn't enough to keep me here. i am not a chief executive commanding a ginormous salary or someone with a family to support.
 the shtus in the shidduch scene is driving me a bit crazy. there are lots of mr. right nows out there just not a lot of men who will be there for the long haul. i don't know if the phenomenon is new york specific or if its this way everywhere. i just don't want to be single forever and i see some of the older than me singles around here and i don't want to be one of them.
any suggestions?

how not to impress me

after awhile attending singles functions can become pricey . some people try to circumvent this by becoming super schnorers who don't pay for events but stand outside the venue waiting to see who comes in or out. or better yet there are those who show up at the venue take a quick peek at who is in the event room and decide whether or not it is worth spending the money . if its not worth it they leave.
ok, so  i can understand those  who peek in before paying. i can't say that i have never tried that trick. then again those who do this actually do end up paying to get in if they decide that the crowd is "worthy" .
those i take issue with is those who stand outside and shamelessly stand around the front door of an event and don't actually pay especially when i have paid. if i can manage to afford to pay why can't they. if they can't afford to pay they are most certainly not for me.

hooked on srugim

ever since i saw the first three episodes at the israeli film festival in november 2008 i fell in love with the israeli tv show srugim.                          srugim is about israeli orthodox singles in there late 20's early 30's living in  jerusalem . it is amazing to see a tv show that shows life as a single orthodox jew. though one of the characters is otd, the rest are not which is what makes this show unique. it is so cliche to chronicle someone who is otd. to chronicle someone who is frum and single and is sincere  is much more of  a challenge.
srugim has been shown on the jewish channel with subtitles and it is also on dvd. the only drawback of the dvds is that they are in the israeli format and not in the us format.
 between friends who have cable and friends who have the dvds i have managed to see all of the first season and most of the second season of srugim. 
i would love to elaborate more about the episodes, but i don't want to ruin it for you.

sometimes you just have to be a b@*%

when i first started attending singles events i was always polite to  nerdy men who would chat me up. i felt it would be rude to be mean to them. now i know better. if i am too polite to some nerdy men they will never leave my side because im the only woman who will talk to them. it really stinks that this is how it is, but this is how it is. there are some men who use this tactic as well. they  may say hi to me at a singles event, but then they will quickly walk away. they don't even want to give me a moment to speak to them  too much because they think i will think that they like me. i don't think im such a loser that they have to resort to this, but i do understand. they're just not interested . sometimes you just have to  do what you have to do. sometimes you just have to be a b@*%

the fly on the wall

sometimes i wish i could be like a fly on a wall and hear juicy conversations that i shouldn't be hearing. i heard  one such conversation today. someone was talking about how someone was being locked out of a singles event because they were over the age limit. "fortunately" for the person who was organizing the event the person was over the imaginary age range so they could lock them out of the event. this individual was not "cool" enough to get into the event. lucky for the organizer they were "uncool" and old so they could be locked out of the event.
it was uncomfortable to be the fly on the wall while hearing this tidbit being circulated. i might be out of the age range, but i could have "passed" for younger and i am "cool" enough to get in.
one could argue that someone just  " isn't in t the age range " so its fair. bull dinky! its more than that. many who are not in the "age range" get in . its also humorous because the people who are setting  the age ranges are often very close to or above the age ranges they are imposing. often those who support  age ranges  being upheld are eerily close to that age themselves. perhaps they protest too much to cover up their advancing age. (as if we are all too stupid to realize how old they are!)
 i am all for banning the 60-80 year old men who show up to young singles events, but often when they start barring people from singles events they concentrate on barring those who are just a few years out of the range instead of  just banning those who are 20-30 years above the age range.

popular?

as a kid i was not popular. i was not a total nerd, but i was definitely not popular. i did not remotely aspire to be popular.

with extensive singleness, there are lots of mutations left over from high school , namely the "in" crowd. i always thought the idea of the"in" crowd would discontinue after high school graduation. well try and tell the single folk that.

there is a crowd everyone wants to hang with so one doesn't miss out on all of the fun. and of course you have to be careful not to let the wrong people know about stuff otherwise everyone will have a "bad" time.

i used to live in a nerdy apartment building until a lot of the cool people moved in and suddenly

it was cool to live here. everyone who is anyone lives with in a few short blocks of me.

i look at pictures and i count how many people live in my apartment building and i can hardly believe its true. im living in a co-ed dorm!

all of this has come as quite a shock to my system. perhaps in high school or college all of this social status stuff would be fun, but i have bills and a full time job. im way too busy to be popular!!

bad assumptions

after i graduated college i had "friends" who would tell me that i didn't want to get married when i was in college. whenever they said this i would respond "that's news to me". they were assuming that just because i didnt get married when i was in college that i must not have wanted to. now while it is true that i didnt date anyone that i wanted to marry when i was in college that doesnt mean that i did not want to get married when i was in college.

recently someone told me that they thought that anyone without children is selfish. bad assumption. just because one does not have children does not mean that one does not want children. since this was a divorced guy i was especially offended. alot of single men are EXTREMELY selfish. the other thing is that for a single woman without children to marry a divorced man with kids she is the one with the short end of the stick. she is marrying a man with lots of baggage. she is single but does not have the baggage of of a divorce. this type of guy isnt always so optimistic about a future marriage because he is divorced . he also wants to make sure no one "takes advantage" of him as much as his first wife did so he is planning on being less giving than he was to his first wife because she had "dumped" on him so much. im assuming alot about this divorced man. i may or may not be right. THIS IS THE POINT.

NEVER ASSUME.

deja vu

i went to a singles event last night and all i kept thinking was "haven't i been here before?"

not only had i been at many singles events in that location, many of the same singles have been at those same events i was recollecting. kind of like the twilight zone.

this is not the alternate universe i wish to exist in, but exist there i do.

i ran in to many i hadn't seen in awhile . i had hoped they had perhaps gotten married. then again perhaps they had . and then got divorced. one never knows. its like even if you actually escape these events for awhile, lucky you might get to be sucked back into this awful scene due to divorce.

i hope i will be lucky enough to find a lasting relationship soon so i don't get to forever keep reliving the same singles event replete with all of the same singles.

the frum singles community

as a frum single i have never felt a part of the community at large. i live in midwood, but that's about it. the more i think about it the more i realize that this is not true. im not part of the greater frum community of brooklyn , but i am a member of the frum singles community of the new york . not exactly the community i would have chosen, but its my community nonetheless.

because the orthodox community is really the smug marrieds community i will never in my current state mesh. i will however fit seamlessly in the frum singles community.

the frum singles community is full of never marrieds , divorced and a few widowed. the most frightening part is how i know so many members of this community and yet i am still single. as the saying goes its not how many you know its who you know. quality over quantity. and let me tell you my community has lots of quantity but is lacking in quality.

some people will never leave my community because they are too scared , too mentally challenged , too comfortable or are having too much comfortable fun. i hope i will be one of those fortunate enough to leave this smothering busybody community of singles and actually get married. of course when i leave the singles community there will be plenty more bloodsucking busybodies who are married to make me feel at home, but i still would like to have the opportunity to reach the next step.

the problem is that ive been a singleton for so long that im not sure that i would really fit into the smug marrieds community even if i would be married. ive been through too much that they just take for granted. and given my age, it will be harder for me to achieve some of those cherished rites of the general smug marrieds society. i still would like to get married, but i know that even being married wont be the golden ticket to being accepted .

i suppose the best would be to create a frum community where everyone could be accepted regardless of marital status. i know that this is expecting too much, but it would be nice.