Sad But True

     A person often does not appreciate someone or something until they are gone. Unfortunately even if someone were to tell one this before hand it would not help. One often does not understand some one's contribution to one's life until you cannot speak to them anymore. I would say appreciate everyone when they are in your life because life is finite but unfortunately one does not really understand this concept until one is forced to experience loss. Maybe that's a good thing though. If one lived with a dark  foreboding feeling all of the time it would be too depressing to get out of bed. 

mourning on tisha b'av

     I think that the reason that it can be difficult mourning on Tisha B'Av is that it happened so long ago that we don't even realize what we have lost. There is not one person alive today has  lived in Israel at the time of the bais hamikdash.  We all know what those days might have been like from studying about it but we never actually experienced it. Those of us who have been in Israel during holidays have a pinky of an inkling of what it may have been like, but really we do not really know the glory of what it was like. Its kind of like what people 300 years from now will be thinking about 9/11. They will remember the tragedy but they won't feel the pain. This is why remembering the holocaust has been included on Tisha B'Av. Even though many of us were not born then we know or know of many who unfortunately did go through it. It makes it easier to relate to . In any event, had the bais hamikdash not been destroyed and had we not been in galus the holocaust would not have happened.  Perhaps 9/11 would not have happened either. Who knows?  This is why we mourn.
      Another way of relating to the mourning during Tisha B'Av is to relate it to the feeling one  has when a loved one passed away. One may not have a year of avelus when one's grandparent , aunt or uncle passes away, but one is sad and mourns their loss. Though the loss of the bais hamikdash should feel like the loss of a parent, if we felt it like the loss of any beloved friend or relative we would be in the spirit of the day. I admit that I don't always have the proper feeling during Tisha B'Av , but I did have that ominous feeling when I entered shul  for the reading of eichah. I felt that pang one feels when one walks into a shiva house . Hopefully we won't be observing Tisha B'Av much longer and the geulah will arrive.
   

more grieving....

the death of a parent really hits a person by surprise. here you are going about your business and then boom, it happens. my dad had some health issues , but i didn't think that he would pass away at the age he was. both of my dad's parents lived until their late eighties. if you would have met my dad you would have never thought that he was the age that he was. he was so full of strength.

when a parent dies it not only makes you confront their mortality but one's own. it also makes you realize that no matter how much you wished your relationship could have been more ____ (fill in the blank however you wish) you still miss them and wish they would still be on this earth.

the death of a parent means your nuclear family is never going to be the same. you have become part of a club that you never wanted to join in the first place. the club of those who have lost a parent.

love

ive always said that its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. i still believe this. it just really sucks when things don't turn out like one would have liked them to. i hate the old adage "everything happens for a reason" , but being the eternal realist, i believe this to be accurate in affairs of the heart. there is a reason things may not work out , but we may not know immediately why this is. for me this is the hardest part. unfortunately sometimes i have found out later reasons why it was VERY good things had not worked out . how i had been saved from a life i would not have wanted. i would not have guessed it at the time.... but it turned out to be the best thing for me even though i had cried my eyes out at the time of the break up. so now is the time to stay strong ,ride the wave and have faith that someone better is just around the corner.....

has anybody seen my hat?

the other day i was on the train and accidentally lost my hat. usually i take my hat off when i get on the train because its too darn warm and i put my hat in my backpack. on this particular day i was waayyyy too tired to do so. at some point i dropped my hat never to be seen again.
the thing that gets me is that whenever i notice that someone has dropped something on the train i tell them. in my case, no one did. perhaps no one noticed, perhaps someone noticed. ill never know. all i do know is that i lost my beloved crocheted hat that i made with my very own hands.
luckily i still had some red and white yarn sitting around, and whipped up a near identical hat.
why am i so upset? ill tell you why im so upset. i lost a hat i created and i wonder where it has gone. is someone else wearing it? did someone throw it out? did it totally get trampled? so many unanswered questions.
alas, i am glad i was able to crochet another red and white hat, but i really dug the old one and wish it was still in my possession!