Death and Life

     I haven't written in quite awhile as I have had a lot to think about and was not ready to compose my thoughts and commit them to paper.
     My youngest brother passed away suddenly the same week as the Tree Of life shul massacre. It has been a heartbreaking few months.
     So much of life is unexpected.  Its always like this but we like to forget that it is. I don't know why my youngest brother passed away suddenly. For whatever reason it was his time. I wish that there was something that I could have done to prevent it, but I couldn't . I wish that I could have spent more time with him and now  I can't . I am so grateful to  have known the creative and fun loving person who was my youngest brother . I just wish that it was longer. I know that he knew that we (my whole family) loved him , I just wish that I could tell him so again  and be in his presence again.
      When I first learned of his passing I felt the sunshine of my memories of him in my mind's eye. I remember so clearly that beautiful blue eyed baby with the light brown curls. I remember how much fun we had together as kids and then as adults.
       I know that everyone wishes that they had more time to spend with their loved ones before they pass on . Its profoundly felt when this person passes on when they are still in their prime. All I am left with is the feeling that one really must make the time to spend time with loved ones because one really does not know how long anyone has to spend with them.

Baruch Dayan Emet

      Yesterday I went to the funeral of my  ex- friend. In a way I felt like a phony. I was sad that she had passed away , but I felt guilty for not visiting her in hospice more. I felt like I hadn't been close friends with her in several years so did I really have a right to be with others who really were close with her and visited her a lot more than I had ? If I did not run to see her  when she was still alive what right did I have to run to her funeral when she was no longer there to appreciate it ?
       In the end I am glad that I did attend the funeral. As many things in life this was one of those things one does not get a second chance for. It also gave me peace of mind for some of the thoughts that had been going through my head. Even if I was not as friendly with her recently as I had been years ago does not mean that I wished her this fate. I was allowed to be sad.
       A big theme for those who eulogized  was that they felt bad for not always "getting" who my friend was and that not everyone appreciated her. Apparently what I felt about her others who knew and loved her had experienced but loved her anyway.  Even for them it was not easy and it was so much on their minds that they mentioned this at her funeral. I guess that is the secret of life. You have to love people for who they are even when you know who they are.
       Its very interesting. My friend really was not herself for the past 6 months, but it still did not seem like she was gone. Now it feels final and really sad. I know that she is not in any pain anymore, but death is just so final. Baruch Dayan Emet. 

Death and ex-Friends

    I suppose the title of this post is a bit obvious . When a friend passes away they become an ex-friend ... Well what I really mean is when someone one may have been friends with years ago passes away one realizes how large a part of one's life this person really was.
     An ex-friend of mine passed away today. I would call her an ex-friend because we had been good friends years ago and then we weren't. It had been about at least five years since we had been friends and we rarely ran into each other. Then about eight months ago she fell gravely ill. In that time I began to remember why we had been friends in the first place and I began to realize how much an impact she had on my life .
     Its an odd situation to be in when an ex-friend becomes ill. One feels horrible that this has happened to them but it does not necessarily make forget the past or make one suddenly want to be best friends with them again. It forces one to try to be a better friend to one's old friend that one would have had they not been ill.
     Death is still sad whether one was great friends with the person now or five years ago. Illness , however sad does have a purpose. It gives one time to get used to the impending passing of a friend . It doesn't make it better really but it does help a person prepare . When  a person passes suddenly one does not get to contemplate a world without  a person before one really has to.
      Now that my friend has passed I know that she is no longer is in pain. I hope that she is at peace. I hope she knows that she made an impact on this world though her stay hear was not long. 

Shiva

     I just got back from a shiva call. My friend's younger brother passed away. I did not know him well, but he was a lovely person. I feel so sad for my friend and her family. Shiva calls always make me introspective. It makes me contemplate the meaning of life. A friend or loved one could go at any time. It is so important to spend as much time as possible with them and always make sure they know how much you care for them. Life is unpredictable and relationships are what make life worth living.

The length of Days

     The eternal question as to why some people are blessed with long lives and others are given shorter is always on my mind in times of tragedy. I think that the only thing to say is that we do not understand Hashem's reasons for things. We have to appreciate the blessings in life that we do receive.
    Sometimes I get angry at others who say that they know why Hashem has done this or that. I suppose if it makes it easier for them to cope it does not bother me, but it bothers me when they want to force their opinion on others because really they do not really know the true reasoning for things , they just know what works for them.
     All I know is that three Jewish boys had their lives extinguished just because they were Jewish. Who knows what they could have accomplished had they lived longer lives. Then again in their short lives they caused some of the most amazing prayer sessions  and achdus that I have ever seen. Something about their kidnapping hit a nerve so deep within Jewish people .  We are still in galus.  May we only have more bracha .May moshiach come speedily in our days.

Shiva

     At the risk of sounding extremely depressed I present this post. A childhood friend's father passed away this week. It turns out that his yartzeit will be the day before my dad's. He was the same age my dad was when he died.
      Though a funeral may be held during a chag , shiva is observed after the holiday. This is something many people do not know. This is something that I know and will always remember, because my dad passed away during pesach three years ago. Its kind of like having extra shiva because though its not officially shiva, one is already in mourning. 

Love is....

     I don't know if its age or just co-incidence , but I have a lot of friends who are in avelus for the loss of a parent. I unfortunately have been in their shoes and I know how tough it is to go through. It is as if a part of you is being ripped from you . It does not matter if one was close with one's parent or not, it just feels that way to have a parent pass away. I am sad for my friends who are now going through this because I know that it really takes at least a year of mourning until things get better. It also reminds me to appreciate my mom and other close relatives and friends. It is so important to let people , especially older relatives know how much you love  and appreciate them while they are around.

October 30

     Today my dad would have been 77 years old. It is so weird to say that number because he only lived to be 74. With the hurricane and all of the destruction I almost forgot that I had one less birthday card to send this year.  Again.
      Death is weird. When I used to hear people say that when loved ones pass on they don't really die, that  they become part of you I always thought it was a cliche. Now I know its true. They may not be alive but they are alive in your thoughts and memories . Its sad but on the other hand its kind of nice. You can choose how you want to remember them . You don't have to remember what you would prefer to forget. Its too bad one can't do this while people are alive. Or can we?
     Sometimes when people pass away you gain another perspective about who they were when they were alive when its not clouded by the day to day stupidity that can go on. Its unfortunate that sometimes one does not always appreciate someone until they are not around anymore.
    The thing is we can all say we will try to do better with those who are in our lives now but in reality we probably won't . We probably couldn't if we wanted to. That's whats great about life. We think it goes on forever when it really doesn't. I think that its supposed to be like that. This is how we grow and how we take chances. Mistakes are what help us grow.
      Anyway, today is my dad's birthday and I'm thinking about how though he did not get to be old he also did not have to be really sick and debilitated for  many years at the end of his life. This was something that he did not want. So though he did not get to live to be 77, he did live the years he did live as a vibrant person. I think this is the way I would prefer to remember my dad - as a vibrant person.

shiva

     I went to the Shiva for my neighbor's baby tonight. I always wonder if I am helping or hurting when I attend Shiva. It was  hard not  to cry. I know that I wear my emotions on my face.   I am not even really close friends with my neighbors . I had never even been in their apartment before.  The aura in the room was  thick with sadness. You would have to be a stone not to feel their pain. A child is not suppose to pass away before a parent, especially one that never got to live through even one season.
     I believe that however sad this is that it was meant to be this way. We just do not understand why. When someone passes so young it makes one  realize that life is finite and that one needs to cherish every moment one spends  with loved ones . When I came home from the Shiva I called my mother.

   

baruch dayan emet

  I received the most devastating news this afternoon. My neighbor's two month old baby passed away yesterday morning. I do not know the details , but it was sudden. I don't think she was ill . I am just the neighbor. I would not know. Since she was born my neighbor and I must not have crossed paths much. I would see her with the baby but mostly in passing and I did not really get a good look at the baby until Tuesday, which as it turned out,  was two  days before she passed away.  She was such a tiny thing. She looked just like her older siblings. Who knows what kind of person she could have become.  We will never know. It was just not meant to be.  When something like this happens its so hard to understand. The parents are such nice people. Fortunately they have other children. This does not make up for the one they have just lost.
Baruch dayan emet for the baby we will never get to know .

2 years

my father's yahrtzeit is coming up soon. its hard to believe that it has been two years since his passing.
when someone that close passes it effects a person in ways one would not believe until one experiences it. it forces a person to face up to mortality. its not an easy thing to experience. fortunately or unfortunately there are many to commiserate with once one has experienced the death of a parent. its a club one never asked to join, but one is a member of nonetheless.
its two years since his passing but only a year since i have stopped being in avelus. every time there has been a holiday this year it seemed like a cloud had been lifted since the year of avelus. this year it will be a year since the cloud has been lifted and life has continued. its not exactly as it had been before, but
the cloud is now gone and it is time to remember those who have passed with light instead of darkness.

gone but not really

 when someone close passes on it is upsetting because they are no longer alive. you can't speak to them anymore. you can't spend time with them anymore. oddly as final as death is what no one ever manages to tell you is that though they are no longer with us physically they are still alive and well in your thoughts. their  memory lives on in your memories. in a way they are no longer themselves as they are a part of you.
my paternal grandparents passed twenty years ago. it doesn't seem that long ago i know they are gone, but i still feel their presence.. my maternal grandmother passed away almost ten years ago. it took me a long time to get over her passing. she was such a strong force of  life. i missed her laugh and the love only a grandparent can impart. my dad passed away a year and a half ago. i don't know where the time has gone. so many memories. so much left unsaid. i have learned that even though someone has passed one still has time to re-examine one's relationship with them. though it may have been better to have done this when the person was still alive its better late than never. they still live on in your brain so you best try to sort things out.
people only pass away physically.

too much in common

when i was in college i had a roommate who had the same first name as i do and the same first initial of our last names. my dad passed away a year and a half ago and her dad passed away a few months ago . turns out our fathers were born the same year a day apart . is this just a coincidence? i do not know , but it does give me the chills thinking about it.

morbid moments

maybe i'm the only one but before my father passed away i used to have passing moments where i would wonder which parent would pass away first and what it would be like. after awhile though i did not imagine anymore. it became more apparent over time who would pass first because that was the parent who was experiencing more health issues.  my dad has passed away. now i know the answer. i was hoping that it would have been a rhetorical question longer .

time passages

when i was a kid and an older person would tell tales of his/her long ago childhood it would just seem so mythical. it was hard to imagine this senior citizen as a child  with parents and siblings. i must be getting old but now i can these tales come to life in my mind's eye when i hear the elderly speak of their long ago youth. perhaps its age or having experienced loss that helps me picture the past. i can close my eyes sometimes and i see my parents and siblings in our house as it was when i was ten years old. the weird part is that when i imagine it doesn' t even feel like long ago. but so much has changed. im not ten and  although my mother still lives in my childhood home, my father is no longer alive.
when my grandmother passed away the hardest part was realizing how the years will pass and it would be so long since i would have seen her. its been ten years now and it seems like just yesterday since i have heard her contagious laughter. i realize its been ten years but she is still with me in spirit. it hasn't been as long since my father has passed, but i imagine it will be the same.

one thing i have learned is to treasure the time one has with  loved ones. no one knows what the future will bring, but the present is ours to cherish.

in memory of leiby kletzky

this past week started out on the wrong foot. on monday kehillath jeshuran a one  hundred year old manhattan shul burned down. i thought that would be it, but i was wrong. on that same day a little boro park boy was missing  . by tuesday there were frantic signs on every corner beseeching everyone for clues  to the whereabouts of the missing boy. wednesday  morning i woke up to the news of the brutal murder of this not quite nine year old boy . my heart along with the hearts of all who were listening sunk. how could this have happened ? how could such a brutal murder have been carried out by a "religious " jew?
the outpouring of sorrow from people of all walks of life was monumental.. one of my gentile  co-workers broke out in tears when she heard the  news of leiby's  murder.
8,000  mourners lined the streets of boro park , brooklyn to pay their respects to this little boy's family.  i would have joined , but i worked too late that night.
i keep watching the news in disbelief. boro park is a relatively safe neighborhood.
when the murderer's neighbors and co-workers  were asked if they thought he would have been capable of murder they all said no. i believe them. who would ever believe that anyone you knew could be capable of such brutality ?
though leiby ketzky's demise was grisly, his demise revealed the largest outpouring of compassion from around the world and from every ethnicity. too  bad leiby's death was what was able to achieve this and not his life. why did a little child have to die for people to suddenly wake up and show compassion for another human being?
tragedy always seems to bring people together. though this is good, it would be nice for people to bond without having to have a tragedy occur. it would be nice if the ahavas yiroel would continue perhaps in tribute to leiby kletzky's life.
in conclusion , i would like to send my love to leiby klezky 's family. i know that i don't know them , but i know what it is like to lose a loved one and to lose a child in this way must be just inconsolable. i wish them the strength to survive this. their  son has touched the hearts and souls of so many. may he rest in peace.

yartzeit

the year of mourning is over.i thought it would never end. i had a shiva that couldnt start until after pesach and a year of avelus that had two adars.  i have survived it !!
today is my father's yartzeit. im glad that a year has passed. those first months after his passing were excruciating. i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep. now that a year has passed those symptoms are gone. it is also a year since i have seen my father. its always a weird feeling when someone passes away and one imagines how the years will pass and it will be x amount of time since one has seen the dearly departed. one does not forget them, but because they have passed on . one can choose to remember the good parts and forget the parts that  one would rather not remember.
though a lot has happened since my father's passing it also seems like it was just the blink of an eye since it happened. life is strange like that.
i've learned a lot about life and about myself since then. death is funny that way. it forces the living to re-access  life.

pass away

dead, kicked the bucket, expired, passed away . these are all terms for someone who has left this world. i prefer using the term passed away instead of died. perhaps because it somewhat sugarcoats the reality. they passed away. and where did they pass away to? no one living really knows where to exactly . i guess this is another reason i like the ambiguous  nature of the phrase passed away. they aren't here anymore, but they passed away to somewhere else.

no regrets

no one knows how long we have to mend broken relationships that we have in our lives. life and death happens and we have no control over either. sometimes we are fortunate to fix things and other times we aren't. i admit that i haven't always been lucky enough to beat the clock in these situations but in others , by the mercy of h-shem i have been.
unfortunately we don't  know how much time we have with people and unless we are clairvoyant we probably would not  act any differently given a second chance at the same situation. we would still  think that we would  have forever to change things.
its best to move forward and try not to wallow in the could haves and the should haves . best to learn from the past , but also realize that as much as we must employ our best  efforts,  no one is perfect.

im back....

im back from the midwest. i had an enjoyable time there. glad to be in my own space though. of course i will be missing my vacation very much when i get back to work tomorrow.
i went to the cemetery for the first time after my dad's funeral. it was sad, but i must say that it still hasn't sunk in totally. no pun intended. i feel that it was very good to have gone even so.i mainly went because it was before rosh hashana.
it was a lot less painful talking with my mom about my dad's death and the events surrounding it than it had been five months ago.
the whole experience has really made me want to evaluate my life choices and see if i want to make any changes. thinking about death makes one think about how one wants to improve ones life. funny how that can be.....