the new metrosexual

a few years ago the news was peppered with articles about how men are now starting to care about their looks much like women. oh and these men are not gay either. well this shabbos i came across a new phenomenon or at least a new phenomenon to me. apparently yeshivish teenage boys are just as interested in dressing in designer duds as yeshivish teenage girls. this came as a total shock to me. i understand why a charedi girl would be interested in fashion. after all thats one of the few kosher interests she can cultivate. the average bais yaakov graduate can don makeup better than an elite model and is always decked out in the latest  tzanuah fashions.then again, they are girls and girls usually are concerned about clothing and dressing fashionably. now the boys want to get into the picture. are sports now being frowned upon by the yeshivas? is it that young yeshivah boys have no other outlet left other  than the choice of what brand of white shirt he should be wearing? is the reason they  over focus on their wardrobe because the do need to actually get dressed? otherwise  they should only be focusing on torah subjects.
im  all for yeshivah boys showering and being concerned over their appearances. it just scares me when any male is as gung-ho about fashion as a woman.of all issues for men and women to be equally interested , fashion should not be one of them.. this of course is only my opinion.

why i am modern orthodox

i have many friends who are bt who will say that they always feel most comfortable with bts or people who are not frum. i think that often this is the case. no matter where we go we feel  most at home with the those who share the  values we have grown  up with even if we have changed alot since back then.
i grew up modern orhodox and even though i had  a ten year stint as being more yeshivish i returned to my more modern orthodox roots. why is this you ask? well first and foremost i do not have a new york accent so everyone always assumed i was bt. very annoying. and then i  did not get married before i was twenty five which is another reason i cant blend into the yeshiva world. i always felt like someone was watching me when i was in the yeshivish scene and it wasnt that i felt i was being watched by g-d. when i am in the modern orthodox world i am considered one of the crowd. no one doubts that i am religious. i dont feel like im being "watched" all of the time. i feel like i can be myself. i enjoy yiddishkeit but i also enjoy secular culture. i dont think that it is a contradiction.

love your neighbor.... or at least be civil!

tisha b'av is around the corner and it seems no one has learned anything since last year. there is still sinas chinam especially amongst g-ds chosen people. we are still too busy labelling levels of frumkeit to actually try and get along. we just keep missing the point. h-shem wants us to get along with one another not nit -pick chumrahs. until some semblance of civility evolves all we will be saying next av will be " same time next year" but hopefully not.

we know that moshiach must be coming soon when hostess twinkies are kosher

i had a friend years ago whose favorite saying was that we would know that moshiach would be here soon when hostess twinkies were kosher, because hostess twinkies are about at treyf as you can get. recently(it could be maybe a couple years ago) ive noticed that hostess twinkies have a triangle k on them. triangle k is not a hechsher i go by, so this still doesnt help me, but does it still count as being kosher? even in some remote roundabout way?

other signs that moshiach is coming soon. 7-11 on avenue m has cholov yisroel milk available for its coffee drinking customers. now i do agree that it really is just due to demographics. any establishment in midwood that offers cholov yisroel milk is definitely going to generate more traffic than one that doesnt .... still.... this is 7-11 we are talking about. redneck heaven. to me, its gotta be a sign.

another sign that moshiach is coming is walgreens on avenue j . they even have hebrew on their storefront. now i agree that the fact that walgreens has green in its name and there are alot of jewish people with the name green or some variation of green in their name (greenstein, greenberg, greenblatt)however , its still a step. walgreens was a well known chain of pharmacies in the midwest where i grew up, the midwest is redneck heaven, which of course makes walgreens count. i know that growing up in the goyishe bible belt , one would never imagine a walgreens store, not even one in brooklyn, having hebrew on its storefront. so there you have it moshiach must be on the way.

the handshake

if one does not want to shake hands with a member of the opposite sex due to shomer negiah reasons it is very important that one have a good prepared answer and not to just say that you dont shake hands . that is not a good enough reason.
i work in a service oriented profession and though the higher ups that are jewish have heard about shomer negiah, there are non-jewish employees who are not familiar with it. once there was a male co-worker of mine who put out his hand to a frum client to shake hands and im not sure what she said to him because i wasnt in the room with him, but she must not have said anything because later he asked me why she did this , and did she not shake hands with him because he isnt jewish. i explained to him that it was not because he wasnt jewish, but it was because men and women arent supposed to touch unless they are married. when he realized that she didnt want to shake hands with him was not because he wasnt jewish and just because he was a boy he was totally ok with it. see , now how hard was that? and if you dont like the explanation i gave , all the more reason to give your own.
another time a chasidic couple were speaking to the office manager and the office manager put her hand out to shake hands with the husband and the wife said to her"we dont shake hands".
later the office manager said that she could care less that he didnt want to shake her hand , but that she thought it odd because moments before, the wife shook hands with her. i explained to her that it wasnt that frum people dont shake hands, its just that men dont shake hands with women because they arent supposed to touch any woman who is not their wife.
of course , the other thing that i find un-thrilling about frummies unwittingly leaving me to do the explaining for them is that whoever is asking why also asks me what i would do. well... when i was growing up i was taught that its okay to shake someone's hand at work so as not to embarrass them and that there really is not derech chibah in these types of handshakes.
if you are honest and genuine with people when you explain to people why you do not shake hands with someone of the opposite sex , they are really okay with it. i have seen a few people do it, and they are very sweet about it , no one takes offense. and if you cant explain it to them its better to shake their hand if you ask me. not giving a true explanation is worse and i know this because ive had to explain non-handshaking to several confused people.

holy indian wigs

this month's marie claire magazine featured an article about how they get hair from indian women to make wigs .

a few years ago their was a big ruckus in the frum community about not wearing wigs from india because their hair is shorn for "religious reasons" . needless to say after reading the article i realized that the only deity this hair is shorn for is the god of money.

apparently young women in india never cut their hair and when they do they cut all of their hair off in a ceremony and tell them that doing so makes them very blessed. meanwhile , these girls never get any monetary compensation for their shorn hair, and the money that is made from the sale of this hair is never given to the people of the community that had their hair shorn. it is purely business , and most of these young women have no clue this is occurring.

to me the whole hair shearing being religious is a hoax and seems to be based on a fiction. i do however feel bad for these poor girls who end up bald until their hair grows back. they are sacrificing their hair to the god of money.
from the article i was not sure if the ritual of cutting their hair was created before the demand for indian hair wigs.
i realize that the rabbanim did not ban the indian wigs because they felt that these women were being scammed, but to me, this would be the reason not to wear one of those wigs. i feel so bad for these women.

more flatbush folly

well... it seems the infamous sheitle store across the street from chaim berlin has re- opened for business . this time the photos in the storefront are much smaller and the mannequins have shorter collarbones. this is alot of old news, but i found it to be a great photo-op, so im including my fabulous photos. enj0y!

unbalanced

after reading frumkeptic's most recent post do frum people believe in gd ,it got me thinking of the past....

years ago i dated a guy who had a quandary. he couldnt reconcile how someone could be frum and not be a completely upstanding individual. you know the type.... shomer shabbos, but have horrible midos...... wear the most tzanuah oufits, but cruel to their employees....only eat yoshon and yet channel their inner bernie madoff... you catch my drift. this chap was a bt.

of course all of us bt or otherwise have to reconcile this imbalance, but for a bt this is especially trying. they became frum because they believed the torah way to be more perfect than the secular route, and if all of those who have seen the light dont fully uphold it , then what?

as a teenager i had grappled with such issues, eventually coming to the conclusion that people are people , frum or not. just because there are those who identify themselves as frum who are not the most righteous, it doesnt invalidate the torah. one cannot judge the validity of the torah by those who follow it. i tried to convey these thoughts to my friend, but i dont know if he got it.

at the time i was afraid this quandary might cause this young chap to leave frumkeit. it is now so long ago. i wonder if he is still frum. and if he's still frum, is he still single???

kiruv

i had an interesting conversation the other day with someone who is not frum. he asked me why "those people" who are asking him if he is jewish are trying to convert him because he's already jewish. well, i figured "those people" must be lubavitchers. my answer was that though they might want you to be like they are, what they really want is for you to become more involved in your heritage. next, he said they asked him if he knew hebrew or yiddish , of which he knew a little. and then he told them actually , he speaks indonesian. and then that made me think...
so many times people become frum and then they shun all other parts of their lives, not just the totally unkosher parts, but the other parts that are just worldly . studying about diverse countries and languages is interesting and makes one appreciate the world that we live in. it can even make one appreciate one's own culture, religion , country even more.
even though people may not be shomer shabbat, it doesnt mean that they they dont feel a strong connection to their heritage. they just may have other ways of expressing it. i think its important to respect that. especially since often this can be a relative. they may not emote their religion the same way you might, but they may feel just as strongly about it.
i dont denounce what any kiruv organization is doing. i think that its great for jews to become more involved in their heritage, but i think that it shouldnt be done in a way that embarrasses the person they are trying to bring closer. it should be out of love , not out of cultishness. and ... if the person that they are trying to mekarev declines to be frum, they should still welcome them. otherwise, this is being cultish. i think that kiruv should be just that . bringing someone closer to hashem. closer just means closer. closer cannot be defined. it just means closer. closer doesnt not refer to how frum. it just means closer. or at least that is what it should mean.

gelt vs gifts

some say Hanukkah gelt is more jewish than Hanukkah presents. i for one will be happy to accept both.

i wont pretend to know definitvely why this is , but i personally think that getting hannukah gelt is the same as getting a Hanukkah present. perhaps bubby and zaidy didnt know what to get the grandchildren for Hanukkah one year, so they settled on giving them a little gelt and thats how the whole tradition of Hanukkah gelt started!

is gelt more jewish because jews are greedy?

gelt is a gift because anything i have to write a thank -you note for recieving is a gift in my book.

perhaps Hanukkah gifts are exchanged due to the juxtposition of x-mas and Hanukkah. so the young-uns wouldnt get jealous. no matter. its not assur to exchange gifts on Hanukkah (although im sure some scroogey rebbe must think it is). if it is its a well kept secret. ( that hopefully will stay that way).

i wish all of my readers a happy Hanukkah, lots of gelt or gifts, whichever you prefer!!!

beyond kosher....

often those who used to be frum ridicule the mitzvot because they feel they are so confining and archaic only to replace them with equally obscure rituals to replace them with. a campy old movie that demonstrates this issue is the imported bridegroom. the imported bridegroom is a movie about an american jewish family at the turn of the twentieth century. the father wants his daughter to marry a torah scholar who he imports from the old country. of course the daughter has no interest . she would prefer a doctor or a lawyer. eventually this bridegroom metamorphoses and pseudo- Americanizes. instead of remaining a talmudic scholar, he becomes a philosophy scholar.
some trade kashrut for veganism. they feel kashrut is archaic, so they trade it for the more limiting veganism. while vegetarians dont eat meat , and are often in to animal rights, a vegan takes it the extra mile and doesnt eat any animal or being by product. no eggs, dairy or honey (a bee-ing product). i lack the convictions of a vegatarian, but i can understand why they might not want to eat an animal. i dont understand the need to limit animal by products or the concept of insect abuse. vegans dont eat honey because they feel it harms bees??? this is beyond kashrut, and possibly an advertisement for kashrut. kashrut isnt as limiting.
of course , go tell a newly converted vegan this!! perhaps its the thrill of individualism that sparks these food fetishes more than idealism. after all , a major reason for kashrut is to keep us jews separate so our goiyeshe neighbors wont come for dinner that might lead them to marry our jewish daughters.

kippot

growing up the coolest yamakas were the crocheted ones. black leather ones were cool too because they looked like chocolate. i even liked the black velvet ones because velour was really "in" when i was in school.
however.... there was one yamaka was a badge of embarrassment for the wearer ... the four cornored polyester black yamaka given out at weddings , bar-mitzvahs and shuls to those who normally dont wear one. whoever wore these shameful skullcaps were proclaiming they were not religious and that wearing a head covering of this sort was not an everyday occurrence . other yamakas seemed like a natural extention of the wearer. not so with these. i have a friend who would call these polyester monstrosities " chocolate chip" yamakas because they were often black and they were pointy when worn , not unlike a chocolate chip. hence the nickname.
one subset of jews that have made the chocolate chip yamaka a fashion statement are syrian jews. they are the only jews (besides reform jews) who regularly wear these in brooklyn. i dont get it. how do such otherwise fashion conscious jews wear the chocolate chip yamaka as such a bold fashion statement?

shalom auslander

foreskin's lament came out in paperback, thus a great excuse to have another book reading at borders. after reading foreskin's lament i have wanted to see the author in person. in general i like meeting authors , and due to the content of his book, i especially wanted to meet shalom auslander.
well.... in person he is a little older than the photo on his book jacket. though i read the book, i was quite taken aback by how hardened he is. he told the audience that giving up judaism was like removing a tumor , but if you ask me it didnt really help him. he doesnt appear to be the relaxed, or at peace . he got rid of a tumor, or so he thinks. hes not a practicing jew in any way shape or form, but its not like this has made him a calm , happy , zen -like individual.
a woman who had been married to shalom's relative years ago, was at the book reading. she applauded his book and was so happy he had gotten out of the clutches of his abusive family. if you ask me, his deviant family is the reason he is ranting.
as usual, this book event proved to be an insightful affair.

modesty

years ago when brittany spears was breaking out of her "good girl" mode (i know its hard to remember) a co-worker of mine who had a daughter who was a brittany groupie and was very upset about brittany's more risque music videos. at that point her daughter was not to watch any more brittany spears videos.

another day, this same co-worker was outraged with the styles for children's clothing that were around. they were selling too many provocative styles for little girls.

during the low slung jeans and skirt phase many non-jewish co-workers of mine complained. who wants to wear something that shows your stomach when you have a big stomach? or in during the frigid weather of winter, how are these styles practical?

ive seen well-heeled rich ladies with daughters wearing jeans with their underwear showing and i wasnt the only one passing them on the street appalled.

if you knew me in real life you would know that i only wear skirts or dresses and do not go mixed swimming, but im not the poster girl for the tznius police either.

i believe that there is a concept of modesty, for society in general.

i think that bais yaakov must give a course on makeup application that i missed out on in the modern orthodox schools i attended. (im not sure how this fits in with this post, but ive been dying to rant about this , so im including it here)

modesty is more than long sleeves and long skirts. its about not being flashy or too sexy in personality and style of dress.
one doesnt have to be dowdy to be modest. example: katie couric: modest, paris hilton:immodest, princess diana: modest ,sara fergeson:modest, pamela anderson: immodest, madonna: immodest.
people choose to harp on tzniut in clothing because its easier to focus on than perfecting the actual midah of modesty. giving tzedakah without fanfare or holding a position of kavod without being haughty are much tougher than not wearing bluejeans. i aspire to reach the truest level of tzniut..... someday.

that AGE old question

some of the families who invite me for shabbos meals drill in to there kids that they must not ask these taboo questions . how old are u? do you have any kids ? are you married?
at a singles event, the last two questions may be appropriate, but the first one is not. yes, we all want to know the age of a prospective individual, but its better not to ask right away.
i was once at a singles event where right after hi how are you, i was asked my age. on the one hand if someone is outright asking age, they probably think you are younger than you appear. if you look older, they automatically know not to ask.! on the other hand if one doesnt want to answer it belies that one is old enough not to want to reveal ones age. fortunately , in the frum community that age is 25+ . so if you dont want to answer, it doesnt infer too much!!
i suppose i should start to worry when someone doesnt ask my age , because that will mean they think im too old for it to be polite to ask!

i dont get it

i know that there is a jewish concept of not being the one to spread bad news, however, i think that often people take this concept a bit too far.
often people dont want to tell others the news that someone has passed away fearing its just such sad news. my personal favorite " they will hear about it anyway because everyone is talking about it" well i have news for you. they arent all talking about "it" .
recently my friend's mom passed away and although someone had actually informed me about it and and the shiva apparently others who were close to her were not informed. i found this out when i casually mentioned this to a few friends and assumed they already knew . well guess again. they did not know and had i not told them they might not have known until months later. as it turned out they found out too late for shiva , but they did find out on time for the memorial that was held for the shloshim. had i been worried about "spreading bad news" my friend would not have had support from these friends who i had told. and it was too bad that i had assumed as others do that "someone must have told them" because no one had.
a few years ago a friend of mine passed away and i told many people about her passing. several visited the shiva house on my account. would it have been better not to have told anyone ? would it have been better her friends not have gone to pay their respects? of course one could say that these friends must not have been so close to not have been informed of her death. this would be true.in this case. however , it did matter to these old friends to join in the mitzvah of menachem avel. is it better not to spread bad news even if it will cause someone to do a mitzvah?
one could argue that it would be better for a long lost friend to visit someone during ones life rather than making a friend's shiva top priority. though this a thought to consider, it still doesnt cancel out the importance of menchem avel. its important for the family of the deceased to feel that others have been touched by the loss of their loved one.

to greet or not to greet

where i grew up , outside of new york, people were so friendly. one would walk to shul on shabbos and people would be gardening and they would say good morning even if they didnt know you.
when i first moved to new york and i would great random frummies "good shabbos" as i walked down the block they would look around to make sure that i had really meant to be greeting them, since i didnt know them. b"h , things have changed. about five years ago my single friends and i were walking down the street and some teenage girls we did not know wished us a "good shabbos" . none of us were related t0 them. i think that perhaps there has been a project to encourage ahavas yisroel and actually greet one's coreligionists on the street on shabbos. or perhaps its a happy coincidence, but somehow i dont think so. over the past several years ive noticed that people have said "good shabbos" to me before i have said "good shabbos " to them.

is patience a virtue?

i would consider myself a patient person, but it can be alot of hard work. patience can really wear a person out.
when one is patient, one isnt always the most assertive.
patience is also humbling.
or maybe im being forced to be more patient than i actually am, and that is what is wearing me out.
some friends require lots of patience, which is why they befriend me, but sometimes i dont have the strength to be patient, sometimes i need to be around less needy people.
when people say that h-shem wouldnt give anyone any trial unless he thought they could handle it really causes me to pause. so does this mean that this particular person is seemingly without mazel because they deserve it? because they can handle it?
i know that whatever adversity doesnt kill someone makes one stronger, but how much can one person take?
how much patience does life require?

the three weeks

im really not looking forward to the three weeks. not that anyone in their right mind would be. although, i suppose it would be quite lofty to say that i was looking forward to uplifting myself spirtually during the three weeks. but im not that good.

the worst part of shivah assar betamuz is knowing that tisha bav is only three weeks away.

blah!!

the three weeks always have a foreboding aura. kind of like feeling spooked. the suffocating summer heat adds to the oppressive ambiance.

the three weeks always come right when im starting to enjoy the summer. as if to say, dont enjoy your summer so much. just like sefirah starts when spring is in the air. i guess its trying to say, enjoy life, but also remember life has a purpose and we must remember the worst of times to enhance appreciation of the good times.

salt dips

until i came to new york i had never seen those little knickknacks people fill with salt and put on the table . i actually thought that frum people were very creative in using little knickknacks to put salt in so people can dip their bread in during hamotzi. last week my naivete ended. i went to fish's eddy near union square and saw these little knickknacks for sale in a bin marked salt dips. apparently, dating back to the early 1800's , there used to be a custom of dipping ones bread in to salt , thus necessitating the creation of knickknacks otherwise known as salt dips.