Baruch Dayan Emet

      Yesterday I went to the funeral of my  ex- friend. In a way I felt like a phony. I was sad that she had passed away , but I felt guilty for not visiting her in hospice more. I felt like I hadn't been close friends with her in several years so did I really have a right to be with others who really were close with her and visited her a lot more than I had ? If I did not run to see her  when she was still alive what right did I have to run to her funeral when she was no longer there to appreciate it ?
       In the end I am glad that I did attend the funeral. As many things in life this was one of those things one does not get a second chance for. It also gave me peace of mind for some of the thoughts that had been going through my head. Even if I was not as friendly with her recently as I had been years ago does not mean that I wished her this fate. I was allowed to be sad.
       A big theme for those who eulogized  was that they felt bad for not always "getting" who my friend was and that not everyone appreciated her. Apparently what I felt about her others who knew and loved her had experienced but loved her anyway.  Even for them it was not easy and it was so much on their minds that they mentioned this at her funeral. I guess that is the secret of life. You have to love people for who they are even when you know who they are.
       Its very interesting. My friend really was not herself for the past 6 months, but it still did not seem like she was gone. Now it feels final and really sad. I know that she is not in any pain anymore, but death is just so final. Baruch Dayan Emet. 

The Fragility of Life

     Just when I thought it was safe to exhale I found out that a good friend of mine has a serious health issue and has had it for the past few years but had not shared the news until today. After wanting to kill her for not having told me yet it really made me sad. This friend does not live nearby and I know that I need to see her sooner rather than later. With the help of Hashem she will have a refuah shelemah, but since no one knows what the future may hold and  it would be best to see her sooner rather than later.
      It always makes me sad when one contemplates seeing someone who is ill because they are ill. I always think that it is too bad that I did not make the effort when they were healthier. In the case of this friend I did go to one of her son's bar mitzvahs and I visited her on another occasion, but I could have made a bigger effort to get together more often. I guess there is always work that gets in the way and of course the thought that one has time to get together at another time.
       Baruch Hashem there is  still time, though it is more precious right now, I am grateful that I have not missed the window. I know that the lesson is to try to get together with good friends and family as often as possible because life is so fragile and good friends and family are such treasures that it is important to prioritize them.

The Constant of Change

   Work can be very stressful. I work with lots of characters . On the weekends I like to spend time with friends and acquaintances minus the  drama. I used to be a Shabbos guest to a family whose resting tone was yelling. After awhile I just could not take it so I stopped visiting them. Other times I have met really rude people at Shabbos meals that I am sure not to attend if I know that  those extremely rude people will be attending. To be fair I have sporadically hosted Shabbos meals which makes things easier since I am in charge of the guest list. Often I am too tired to host a meal even though I enjoy doing so.

     Life is so transient. Friends and neighbors change . People move away. Life situations change. You can think one is set with friends and family and that can all change. I like things to stay the same but the joke is on me. The only thing that is constant is change.
      

Belief

      Part of being a grown up is deciding what it is you believe in. Some people end up changing everything they believe in but forget that just because they have changed not everyone around them wants to change. I think a person needs to come to terms with the fact that though one's convictions are good for one's self other people will be less evolved than you are and thats just how it is. It really should not matter what others do if you are truly comfortable with your beliefs.

What If?

      What  would you do if  chas v'shalom were in an accident or in danger and you needed the help of  a  friend and your  friend did not come through for you ? Would you cut them out of your life or would you forgive them?
      I read a book about someone who was brutally  attacked and her friend saw it but ran away because she was scared. Her friend did call the police but she ran away from the situation . The friend was in such shock from seeing the attack she did not react as quickly as she should have. The woman who was attacked forgave her friend for not being as swift or as gallant as she could have been because she felt the no one knows how they would act in a dire situation and sometimes people do the wrong thing.
       B"H I have never been in that kind of situation. I was hit by a taxi when I was in college. A friend of my roommate's was staying over in my dorm room and it was a Thursday night and she wanted to go out for a soda. It was not really something that I wanted to do because I did not especially  like this friend of my roommate's . She kept begging me so eventually I went with her. On the walk home I misjudged how quickly a taxi was coming when I crossed the street against the light. This was not something I would normally do as I usually am  an overly cautious person. Sometimes when I am in the presence of others who are more daring I am more daring. In the end I was hit by the taxi . I had some injuries but I am fine now. I  later found out that my roommate's friend thought that I wanted to sue her so whenever I had tried to contact her after the accident she was nowhere to be found. That notion left me completely baffled. While it was true that  had she not begged me to join her that evening I would not have been hit by a taxi I did not hold her responsible for the accident. I thought at the time that since I really did not especially like this friend of my roommate that the fact that I went out with her  that evening that it  was just something that was supposed to happen . I did not blame her . It was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted at the time was to get better. Since I was in a college dorm at the time I had lots of people to help me. I was fortunate not to have anyone be a bad friend at the time.
       I think that no one really knows how good   a friend they would be when faced with dire circumstances. Sometimes those who one would least expect to be a good friend will be a good friend, other times those who one thinks one can count on fail to measure up. No one knows if they would forgive a friend for not measuring up when one really needs them unless one is tested in that way. 

we are family

     As a kid you learn that your family consists of parents, children , aunts , uncles, grandparents and cousins. As an adult I have learned that family consists of much more than just blood relatives. Family consists of those close  to you who one chooses to be a part your life. This includes spouses as well as close friends.
     With one's birth family one is forced to be a part of each other's lives. With spouses and friends one chooses to be a part of their lives.  Both types of family are vital to my existence.

      As my life moves on the lines that divide biological and chosen family has blurred. This is as it should be. Family is family.

Friends as medicine

When the comedy friends was first on tv it was not my favorite. I thought it was too silly. Over the years I have learned that there is a place for too silly sitcoms as a cure for insomnia. Whenever I am stressed or sad or generally insomniac I flip on friends and life is better. There is nothing like the medicine of friends

the language of friendship

everyone looks at things a little bit differently. the problem arises when two people think so differently it is like they are speaking different languages. this can be ok if both parties realize this . if only one party is aware this relationship is doomed .unfortunately i have had this happen to me often. i always realize that the other person just doesn't understand what i am saying or where i am coming from. often i make allowances for their lack of understanding, but eventually when i lose my patience the friendship blows up. many people think everyone must think the way they do. consideration for differences must go both ways. one party can't always pick up the slack.

its the little things

what do you miss about a person when they are gone? i miss being able to ask their opinion . i miss having someone who knows me as well as they do. i miss going to the movies with them. i miss spending holidays with them. i miss their smile . i miss knowing that i have someone i can count on. no matter what.
i miss these things in those who i was close to who have moved away, drifted away or have passed away.
so many wonderful connections. so important to appreciate them in the moment, not just after they have passed.

blast from the past

visiting old haunts in my hometown is always exciting. you never know who you will run into provided you recognize them. yesterday i was sitting in one of the few kosher eateries back home and i was looking around the room for a familiar face. i realized that it is odd that i recognized so few. for a moment it dawned on me that there may be more people there that i know but i just didnt recognize them.sure enough as i was leaving an old classmate of mine approached me and said hello. i did not recognize him at all. im so glad he recognized me. its so nice to run into old friends. i wonder how many others i have run into lately that i dont recognize. now i really feel how much time has passed.

goodbyes

apartment buildings have small apartments  that one rents but does not own thus they are conducive to people living there for short time periods and then moving out. one of my neighbors who has lived in my apartment building six months less than the amount of time i have lived here is moving out. eight years is a long time to be neighbors. it will be sad to see them go. they do have four kids now so it is about time that they should be moving to a house. no matter . they will be missed. not only are they moving to a house, they are moving to baltimore. now i will have people to visit in baltimore. its bittersweet. i am happy for them, but i am sad as well. i am sad for me. when people move things change. if they had just moved to a house in brooklyn it would have been a big change, but i would have still seen them periodically. moving to a different state is different. im not friendly enough with them to call them and chat from time to time so unless i happen to have reason to go to baltimore i probably won't be in touch. this is life. this is the way it is supposed to be. its so important to appreciate friends and neighbors  when they live  nearby.  this is just a goodbye for now  not a goodbye forever even though it kind of seems more like a goodbye forever.

the scale is moving in the desired direction...

i've been doing the weight watcher's thing since the first week of june and finally, finally its starting to do its magic. weight watcher scales are as neurotic as i am. they measure to the .2 pound so i have now officially lost not five pounds but 4.8. well in my book its really five pounds.  whatever. i've learned that not only do i have to buy fruits and vegetables, but i have to figure out a way to prepare them so i will actually eatthem before they grow mold. i  have also figured out that every so often i have to switch it around a bit otherwise i get sick of eating the same old stuff. moving more boosts the weight loss, but if you really want to be svelte you have to make sure that you keep cake , ice cream and cookies ( or whatever your food  trigger is ) a treat and not a staple. sad, but true. fortunately i really love summer fruit, so it has made it just the tweensiest bit easier. i also have learned that at almost any time of the day i go to a weight watcher's meeting in brooklyn i will know someone who is at the meeting. either a personal friend, or someone who was at weight watcher's six years ago when i was in my last  weight watchers stint. on the one hand its a little depressing to see some of the same familiar strangers , but on the other hand its comforting. no matter how many times you fall off the healthy food wagon you  can still try to  get back on track and apparently im in good company.
i don't think that weight watcher's is the only way someone can lose weight responsibly, but its what works for me.