Gym Attire

       I usually exercise at home these days due to time constraints. I used to attend Livingwell Lady and after they closed I used to go to Lucille Roberts in the Manhattan. Both are all women's gyms. The set up of Livingwell Lady was a little better because there weren't any windows that looked out into the street. The only men who were in the club were a rare male instructor who was usually gay anyway. Otherwise they never let men in the gym when I was there. A lot of frum women went to Livingwell Lady. Most wore usual gym attire of pants or shorts. Many married women wore tichels. Some wore long baggy shirts over sweatpants . I never saw anyone wearing a skirt to exercise in .  I did not attend the Lucille Roberts on Kingshighway in Brooklyn because there is a window that faces the street  in the exercise room. I would not particularly want people watching me exercise regardless of what I wear to exercise. Instead I had joined the Lucille Roberts in Manhattan. They also had a window to the street in there gym but they were not on the ground floor and you could only really see people inside from the shoulder up and only if they were right by the window wear the treadmills were so I opted to join there.
      I have heard that these days there are many frum women who go to women only gyms who wear skirts to the gym on the possibility of a man entering the premises. This of course is their choice but I am not sure how this is more modest . If one is bothered by the remote  possibility of a man there then one should not really be exercising in front of a man no matter what one is wearing. If there are men there it is quite provocative to wear a skirt while exercising because you will be giving a better "show" unless you are wearing loose pants underneath said skirt and the pants would really be what was making the outfit modest not the skirt. I think that the best thing is to go to a frum sponsored exercise class if this is the issue. Exercising in front of men in a skirt or otherwise  is not modest and if one feels the all women's gyms do not enforce the no men on the premises policy going to a frum exercise group is your best bet. 

Blurring Women's Faces

     I always feel uncomfortable when I see ads from frum publications that blot out women's faces or exclude women from the pictures altogether. Maybe it is because I am single. Then again I think its just because I am a woman. Most of the time this issue does not bother me because the frum people who I choose to associate do not agree with those who want to blot out women's faces from frum publications.
      The strangest part of all is that I believe that the elimination of pictures of women from ultra-frum publications is counter productive. If there aren't any photos of modest religious women then there will only be photos of less modest and less appropriately dressed women around. Is that really better?
If I were living in an extreme muslim society where women were not in any publications anywhere around me then it would not bother me, but in the United States , even in boro park you can go to the news stand and buy a secular magazine that has pictures of women in it. Instead of taking the opportunity to make a kiddush Hashem and having positive role models of women in print the extreme frum would prefer to eliminate woman altogether from their publications.

 When I saw this ad  recently it really  made me sad. I am orthodox, but not charedi so even if I had a daughter it would be a little easier for me to explain.  Tzniut is important, but I think that the fixation with it in frum society as the reason for all of society's ills is a bit misguided. I think that introspection and a fixation on honesty in business would be a better fixation than focusing on a mitzvah that only pertains to women. Or maybe just take turns focusing on each of the 613 mitzvos in a rotation.  Its like  women  aren't important until its time to blame someone for the ills of society. Its all ridiculous anyway. So often the one who has the loudest voice creating these  illogical chumrahs is just all worked up because this is his biggest yetzer harah.

How Frum Would You Go?

      I have friends who were not exactly shomer shabbas who for their spouse became shomer shabbos. These were  people who had at one time been shomer shabbos. I suppose they felt they could go either way with it and found spouses who were shomer shabbos and decided to observe. I think everyone has mitzvos they are flexible about  though maybe not be  as drastic as shabbos or not shabbos? Maybe more like TV in the house or no TV in the house? Or for others cover your hair when married or not cover your hair  when married? Or wear a black hat or kippah srugah?
       I guess the real question is what mitzvah can you add that you can still feel true to yourself and not like you are being forced to do by someone else. Its not so much whether a mitzvah is important or not , its just what you think that you are up to doing it  for someone else . Its about being totally honest because otherwise you are lying to yourself as well as someone else. A great recipe for divorce court.
       Sometimes its easy to look at others and say " Gee I would not do that for someone else " But who knows. Maybe you would. Maybe that other person in your life would make it important enough to you. I know that does not sound like the best reason to do a mitzvah, but their certainly are worse reasons to do a mitzvah than for love or shalom bayis.
   
      

Who is Frum?

     Yet another crime is committed by a frum Jew and the reaction of many is "They aren't frum" and my response is  "Yes they are. By saying they aren't its a cop out. " Let me explain. When one is frum one still has a yetzer harah and a yetzer tov. The frummer one is the stronger the yetzer harah. Thus many slip up. It does not make them unfrum, it just makes them human. It also means that they have to be more careful to not to be involved in a ponzi scheme ,or the averah of the month because when they mess up it is an even bigger chilul hashem because THEY ARE FRUM.

Dorming

     I live in a very frum apartment building. Some of my single friends find the thought daunting.They think if they lived in a frum apartment building they would be living with the yenta patrol. I can't say that it doesn't exist  but for the most part people are minding their own business or not looking past their own noses which is almost the same thing.
     I enjoy the security of living in a frum building. Sometimes it feels like a dorm for adults. The crazy part is that since the landlords are pretty  frum  I am almost  surprised that they let single men rent apartments on the same floors single women rent apartments. Oops. I should not even be writing this. I might give a rabbi with too much free time the idea for another chumrah to impose. My floor is super frum .There are apartments with families or there are apartments with just single women.
     

TV or NO TV

     I own a television. I admit that I often watch TV shows on my computer instead of my actual television because its the easiest way to watch shows without commercial interruptions. The other reason is because I never remember what times the shows I like to watch are on so by the time I remember the next episode must be airing I have to watch it online. I also have forgotten how to use my VCR now that the digital converter is hooked up.
      I have friends who like to brag that they do not own television sets. Some say this to prove how frum they are , others to show how non-materialistic they are . I would be cool with both of these reasons except for the fact that I know for a fact that the same people who are professing these platitudes watch TV online. The fact that they don't own a TV is a technicality. They still are watching TV even if they do not own one.
      I guess now when people ask if someone owns a television they can be truthful and say that they don't own one, but they may still be tuning in every night to lots of television all in the comfort of their own home. I guess the question should now be "Do you watch TV shows ?" because you don't have to possess  a television set to watch TV shows.

See The Light

     I went to Touro college many moons ago and when I was there one of my Judaic studies teachers presented us with an interesting quandary. He was under the impression that even with as many bts there are there are more people going off the derech. I do not know if he is right or wrong .To me its irrelevant. I just think its an important question. I don't even remember what specific class he taught.. Was it halacha or was it chumash?  I do remember this question. The rabbi who asked this of us certainly understood the issue. He was rumored to have had a son who was on his way off the derech. Even though this question was posed quite awhile ago it is just as relevant now. He proposed that everyone should find where they feel comfortable religiously and stay there. The room was filled with young women who went through the school systems of modern orthodox to more yeshivish .
     The truth is when all is said and done, one really has to figure out where one belongs and inhabit that space. If one feels more comfortable with the right wing  philosophies one should stay there. If one feels  more modern orthodox one should stay there. I have seen a lot of different versions of orthodox and as much as the black hat community feels that they are superior they are really not all that different than modern orthodox in my opinion because they are both orthodox. The only difference is that the yeshivish folks follow a stricter dress code on the whole than modern orthodox . For me there is also a feeling of big brother  is watching you (and I don't mean G-d) in the yeshivish camp whereas I don't feel  as stressed and I feel more accepted among the modern orthodox camp. But this is just me.

       I think that staying frum when one has grown up that way is often being assumed rather than cultivated. I grew up in the Midwest and the school I went to did give a person a good feeling about being Jewish and religious. Many of the kids who did not come from religious homes did eventually become shomer shabbos themselves. We were allowed to ask questions. Even so, things weren't always perfect. The kids who came from rich families often got the better parts in plays and other honors. A lot of our teachers were from the New York area even so and they brought with them attitudes that were prevalent at the time. After living in the New York area I see that New York Jewry is another animal altogether for better or for worse. As frum as many are here there is a great pull from secular society no matter how insular one is. New York is the fashion center, and has a lot of culture that is not always so good. Where I grew up you were a bit more sheltered even if you may not have been as ritually observant. Even in the age of the Internet general culture is  still more conservative outside of New York .
     That said, with all of the Jews who live in New York there should be a way to keep people interested in remaining frum as opposed to being frustrated. There are so many reasons for people going OTD. There really is not a one size fits all cure. We CAN find an answer though, even if its just our own personal reason for staying on the derech. Let the light of the Hanukkah candles lead the way.
   

why be jewish?

     When I was a kid I remember learning about a woman who was so modest that when she was about to be tortured that she pinned her skirt to her body so she would not be immodest.  At the time I remember being impressed but I did not think that this was something we should actually do, but that it was cool that she did. I am just waiting for some nut to decide that they want to take on that chumrah. Some nut into s&m of course. The world is so upside down now one does not know what to expect.

     Sometimes when I hear the chumrah of the month or the internet asifa  I feel that some people who call themselves ultra-frum are trying to turn Torah Judaism into the equivalent of some bible belt group that tells everyone not to see a doctor or take medicine but if one of their leaders are ill they would. I suppose other people's zealotry should not bother me, but it does. 

      A few years ago there was a television mini-series about Jews and Judaism. I confess that I did not watch most of it, but the one message that I did hear was that now that for those of us who are living in the United States we have to find a way to be observant because we want to be and  not because we are being forced to be separate . This is an ideology  that I grew up with in the midwest that I think has bypassed brooklyn and much of the tri-state area. So often I her goyim this and goyim that and if you do this its goyish etc. Well in certain neighborhoods I would agree with you. The goyim there don't have such great values. Some other goyim that I have met are very lovely upstanding individuals. When one lives in a neighborhood filled with upstanding goyim its not valid to say that we should be frum to be different than the "awful" goyim. Would it not be best to say that we should be frum because its the right way for us as Jews to be?

kiruv vs always on the derech

there are a lot of fun singles activities out there for unaffiliated jews in the form of kiruv organizations. if you have always been frum or frum for a long while you are not  welcome there. you get to go to the mediocre events for the forever frum.  if you are frum and single and you go to an event for the not necessarily frum  crowd you may not be the exact frum that organization is pushing so you may be a 'bad' influence.  perhaps the crowd will influence you negatively. oh and chas v-shalom you might actually meet someone there and get married to them. maybe you will grow together, maybe you won't, but you might have gotten married and on to the next step.
i never understand why there aren't more organizations bent on keeping others frum as opposed to being mekarev those who are so far from judaism that its almost like you are converting them when you mekarev them.
dont't get me wrong, i am not against kiruv. i just think that if the kindness and patience extended those who are not frum was extended to those who are currently frum there may less who go off the derech. its really less work to keep the currently frum connected because they still know the path.

no struggle

there was one other issue that was discussed at the srugim  screening yesterday that i would like to share with you. one thing amos tamam suggested that there are two types of people who are modern orthodox. there are those who have the struggle to strike the balance between being secular and between being religious and then there are those who are at peace being part of both worlds and at peace with who they are and he suggested that this was a  better way to be. there does not have to be a struggle.
i found this concept profound because i never had thought of it like that before. i never thought that there would be a struggle even though i know that that struggle often pushes some off the derech. someone off the derech told me that they admired the struggle that modern orthodox people had over being part of the world and being frum. i had found it funny at the time because i never thought of it as a struggle at all because being orthodox and enjoying the world was always a part of my life . i never thought that i was missing anything by being religious because i was also always able part of the secular world as a frum person. i am used to being the different one at work yet able to be part of the chevra  , not the oddball.  i value being an observant jew. i do not think that life is all or nothing as many do. there is a lot of trief in the world , but not everything is trief . i could not be frum if i lived with blinders on and never enjoyed anything secular.that which is secular in my life enhances the religous side of my life . i feel secure enough to be my own person. those who don't respect you might not respect you even if you weren't frum.
i used the label modern orthodox here, but i include anyone who is orthodox regarding this issue. life is all about balance .

extremes

often when people find themselves they find it hard to understand why everyone does not believe as they do and they become intolerant of those who still adhere to beliefs they no longer adhere to. when people go off the derech they become so comfortable with who they are that some (not all) become intolerant of those who still believe. this of course is the other side of the coin of when someone who becomes baal t'shuvah who does not understand why anyone can remain secular once they have seen the light of the torah..
just because you may be otd does not suddenly mean others won't believe in being frum. deal with it. just because you may have frummed out does not mean that all of your relatives will abandon their secular lives after spending quality time with frum people. just because you may have made these decisions does not mean others   will no matter how much you would like them to.

unorthodox

i just finished reading the book unorthodox by deborah feldman.. i agree with curious jew's opinion of the book. it is not that bad for the frum world. deborah feldman is a rebel who grew up in the satmar community. it is a little cloying to read about her snarky view of frumkeit as she is growing up but this is her story and this is how she felt about it. when you read the story you can tell that she grew up frum. she does have some things that are not correct about judaism but only someone frum would know this. i think that its irrelevant. what bothers people very much is that she grew up in the system and she rejected it and she is not a  drug addict. the worst thing she does in the book is eat treif , stopped dressing modestly and stopped keeping taharas hamishpachah. granted these render her a secular jew, but that is what she has become. a big snooze if you ask me. i am sure many who criticize feldman have never even read her book. please pardon this spoiler if you plan on reading the book, but i do feel that it is very important to share this  . at the end of the book after she has settled on her secular life she realizes that the frum world does not bother her as much as it had before when she was part of it. she also has come to appreciate that judaism is part of what makes her who she is even if she does not choose to be observant. she is not a druggie,she did not form a ponzi scheme,  she is just isnt religious. so what.
i think that feldman got a little carried away slamming frumkeit when she went on the view with barbara walters and company, but i do not think that this will hurt the world view of religious jews or hasidim . it think that we need to worry more about the frum men who are sitting in jail for  having  commited ponzi schemes for making a bad name for frum jews. deborah feldman is 25 years old. her youth  does not excuse her ,but it does not make her the devil either. simon and shuster encouraged her to use her name with her story to make this into a sideshow. had she been anonymous it would not have been as "potent". deborah feldman is the flavor of the month now with her book but in a few months no one will care who she is.
in 1995 a young woman named pearl abraham wrote a book called the romance reader which was also about a rebellious  hasidic girl with another disfunctional family.  she too garnered much attention. it was pre-interenet days so her reputation did not precede her as did deborah feldman's and i thought that her book was much more negative than deborah's.
interestingly enough, deborah feldman mentions that she had read pearl abraham's book as a teenager and that it spoke to  her. then again, deborah feldman was already going in the wrong direction when she read the romance reader, so one can't say it really swayed her. according to wikipedia , pearl abraham has taught at sarah lawrence , the school deborah feldman attended. perhaps they have met.
unorthodox is not the best book i have ever read nor is it the worst. it is entertaining and i do not take everything in it at face value. though she gets some thing wrong, she gets a lot right and this is what irks a lot of people . the only thing that bothers me is that she has photos of her ex-husband in the book , not even so much what she wrote about her marriage.i think that they both misunderstood each other.  i don't think that it was fair to him to have his image in the book without his permission.
in any event , read the book if you are curious. i am sure it will be a big letdown after all of the hype. it is not so much anti religious as much as just one young woman's quest for living life in a way that is best for her.

madoff isn't really jewish

 i am sure that the title of this post caught your attention. oh and while i am at it rabashkin isn't really frum and neither are any of the other people who are otherwise shomer mitzvot but were convicted of ponzi schemes as of late.
gimme a break. every time i hear about a frum person involved in a major crime i hear people try to rationalize it by saying "well they weren't really frum" oh really? i disagree. i think that they were frum otherwise. i think that they did something very wrong, but they were actually shomer shabbos otherwise. to be devil's advocate, just because someone does an averah, no matter how large or small it does not blot out all of the mitzvot that they otherwise did do. i am not justifying their crimes, but just because they did a crime does not erase any good that they might have done in their lives.
the other reason i resent it when people like to wax poetically about how these frum people who were involved in embezzlement weren't really frum is because if they weren't caught they wouldnt be saying boo and because the rest of the world thinks these losers are frum. there has to be a better reaction than disassociation. i think that it would be best to say that they were frum and even frum people have nisyonos that they do not always pass and sometimes they give into their yetzer harah and do the wrong thing. they shouldn't do the wrong thing, but sometimes people do mess up big time- even frum people. we are given the laws of the torah because otherwise people would sin. DUH!!  if we were all so perfect just because we were keeping shabbos and kosher that we would not even think of being involved in fraud or an occasional ponzi scheme then "don't steal" would not be one of the ten commandments. HELLO.
instead of disassociating with the fraudsters as members of the tribe or fellow frummies perhaps learn to condemn the sin and try to make sure all of our coreligionists realize that fraud is not ok. we should try and figure out why this is happening in our community so it will stop .

frum fashion don'ts

i saw this on fashion-isha's facebook page. fashion isha has beautiful fashions on her website. this of course is a frum fashion don't.  i have knocked those who wear 3/4 shells under strapless gowns, and this is the skirt version. i agree that some outfits look cute in the layered look even if the designer hadn't intended his/her fashions to be worn as such, but this is just over the top. 

ladies, i beg of you, DON'T  try this at home.

on matisyahu

when i first heard of matisyahu i was intrigued. he was a chasidic reggae singer. i can't say that i followed his career much since reggae isn't my thing. i did however register hearing about his break with lubavitch and his recent  beard shaving.
on you tube i listened to matisyahu's recent interview where he speaks about his beard shaving. it was very profound. he said that when he became frum he felt he needed to immerse himself in all things religious but now he feels that things would still be cool if he shaved his beard. oh and that he still is observant. i found this profound as well as a bit uncomforting.
often when people become frum they go about it full force. sometimes this is what keeps them there. other times it spells trouble. they take on mitzvot too quickly before they are really ready and eventually its just too much all at once and then they let go of it all. this does not always happen . with some its just a personality thing. this is how they approach everything which actually is how matisyahu described himself. i think that its any one's guess what will happen. he may be just taking some time to normalize and he may still remain religious. i do not know what has perpetuated this quest of his. i don't know if something happened to make him feel this way or if it was the natural course of things that brought him to this point. it must be especially difficult to go through this stage as a public figure. i wish him well. i hope he figures things out , remains frum and becomes stronger for it.