Time

The world is so strange. A person is born into one era with parents,grandparents, siblings etc. And then time passes. Slowly grandparents pass on , neighbors pass on and the world slowly changes. The people who were once such large parts of our lives are no longer around and we are forced to live in a new reality a new world that some of our friends and family will never know and will never be a part of. Slowly the celebrities who had been so much of the culture age and others become the culture. Slowly the cultural icons pass on . New technologies emerge and one forgets that there was a way of life before these innovations. Sometimes when I think back to different times in my life and then for a moment I realize that not only are those times gone so are many people who were part of that memory. I could never go back to that time not just because time has past but also because those who were part of that memory have passed as well. As I get older it seems like there are fewer and fewer who remember the different worlds I have known throughout my life. Of course this is how life is. It is ever changing. Worlds are ending and worlds are emerging. Sometimes I wish time could slow down a bit so I can savor the good moments in life and spend more time with the people that I love. No one can stop the change of the worlds. All we can do is make the best of each world we get to participate in and know.

Death and Life

     I haven't written in quite awhile as I have had a lot to think about and was not ready to compose my thoughts and commit them to paper.
     My youngest brother passed away suddenly the same week as the Tree Of life shul massacre. It has been a heartbreaking few months.
     So much of life is unexpected.  Its always like this but we like to forget that it is. I don't know why my youngest brother passed away suddenly. For whatever reason it was his time. I wish that there was something that I could have done to prevent it, but I couldn't . I wish that I could have spent more time with him and now  I can't . I am so grateful to  have known the creative and fun loving person who was my youngest brother . I just wish that it was longer. I know that he knew that we (my whole family) loved him , I just wish that I could tell him so again  and be in his presence again.
      When I first learned of his passing I felt the sunshine of my memories of him in my mind's eye. I remember so clearly that beautiful blue eyed baby with the light brown curls. I remember how much fun we had together as kids and then as adults.
       I know that everyone wishes that they had more time to spend with their loved ones before they pass on . Its profoundly felt when this person passes on when they are still in their prime. All I am left with is the feeling that one really must make the time to spend time with loved ones because one really does not know how long anyone has to spend with them.

Death and ex-Friends

    I suppose the title of this post is a bit obvious . When a friend passes away they become an ex-friend ... Well what I really mean is when someone one may have been friends with years ago passes away one realizes how large a part of one's life this person really was.
     An ex-friend of mine passed away today. I would call her an ex-friend because we had been good friends years ago and then we weren't. It had been about at least five years since we had been friends and we rarely ran into each other. Then about eight months ago she fell gravely ill. In that time I began to remember why we had been friends in the first place and I began to realize how much an impact she had on my life .
     Its an odd situation to be in when an ex-friend becomes ill. One feels horrible that this has happened to them but it does not necessarily make forget the past or make one suddenly want to be best friends with them again. It forces one to try to be a better friend to one's old friend that one would have had they not been ill.
     Death is still sad whether one was great friends with the person now or five years ago. Illness , however sad does have a purpose. It gives one time to get used to the impending passing of a friend . It doesn't make it better really but it does help a person prepare . When  a person passes suddenly one does not get to contemplate a world without  a person before one really has to.
      Now that my friend has passed I know that she is no longer is in pain. I hope that she is at peace. I hope she knows that she made an impact on this world though her stay hear was not long. 

The Fragility of Life

     Just when I thought it was safe to exhale I found out that a good friend of mine has a serious health issue and has had it for the past few years but had not shared the news until today. After wanting to kill her for not having told me yet it really made me sad. This friend does not live nearby and I know that I need to see her sooner rather than later. With the help of Hashem she will have a refuah shelemah, but since no one knows what the future may hold and  it would be best to see her sooner rather than later.
      It always makes me sad when one contemplates seeing someone who is ill because they are ill. I always think that it is too bad that I did not make the effort when they were healthier. In the case of this friend I did go to one of her son's bar mitzvahs and I visited her on another occasion, but I could have made a bigger effort to get together more often. I guess there is always work that gets in the way and of course the thought that one has time to get together at another time.
       Baruch Hashem there is  still time, though it is more precious right now, I am grateful that I have not missed the window. I know that the lesson is to try to get together with good friends and family as often as possible because life is so fragile and good friends and family are such treasures that it is important to prioritize them.

Control Issues

    I have a friend who thinks that everyone has control over how their life turns out. While I don't think that everything is complete happenstance I don't think that everything that happens to us is in our control either. A person has to try  but one does not always get what one wants no matter how much they try. I wish life really was how my friend thinks it is . Life would be so much easier.
     Man plans. G-d laughs. 

In Sickness and in Health

     I recently visited an friend in the hospital. Its always difficult, but this time it was more challenging than usual. The friend that I visited has many health issues and one of them has made it so this friend will most likely never be able to live life normally again.. Visiting my friend and his wife in the hospital was quite interesting. There wasn't an aura of sadness in the room. I am not sure if my friend will  ever be able to leave the hospital. His wife was so upbeat. I think that these situations are so difficult because as much as it is sad that her husband is in the hospital, I suspect the wife realizes their time together even if it is in the hospital is precious.
      I pray that  my friend has a refuah shelemah and that he and his wife will be able to have a normal life again. Until then I am glad that they are able to have and appreciate the time that they are having together as long as it lasts. 

Life is Beautiful

      I have a friend who is in her late thirties who was feeling a bit depressed lately . She has a chronic disease . She is single and she was saying how she did not mind the thought  of death. She felt like her life was meaningless because she does not have any children and feels  that no one would miss her if she was gone. Thank goodness I myself am not suicidal and the notion of it is never on my mind. I did not even realize how frightening her thoughts were until after our conversation.
       To begin with I told my friend that I am sure her family and friends would miss her if she was not around. I would miss her. I myself love living. I feel like there is so much to do, so much to experience and so little time to do everything that I want to do. I told her that life is wonderful, it doesn't turn out the way you would expect it to , but its still worthwhile. I encouraged her to explore hobbies and other things that may interest her. Due to her illness my friend cannot give birth to a child. Of course this is upsetting, but the thing is , having a child is not the only important thing in life. Being a parent is  something that I  have always wanted to do , and hopefully will be able to do,  but it is not the only way one can have a meaningful life.
       Years ago I did hear a rabbi at one of the shuls I attend give a speech about while  having a bunch of kids, living in a house with a two car garage are all wonderful, but they are not really what you have to have to be a Torah observant Jew. One is required to observe the mitzvos to be a Torah observant Jew. A novel idea. Its not that all of these things are not things that one should want but if one does not have them all is not lost. The rabbi who made this speech had a congregation comprised of many singles and divorced people, but I do not think that he was pandering to his audience.
        Many people feel like their life does not begin until they are married. People get married at all different ages . One has a life  when one is single. Life is precious and must be appreciated. What if someone never marries ? Does it mean that they have never had a life?
        I think that sometimes people are looking for major things in life to justify the validity of their existence instead of looking at the smaller things. I prefer to look at the smaller picture. I love watching sunrise as I walk to the train in the early morning. The colors are so beautiful . Most of Brooklyn is still sleeping then , so the streets are a bit quieter . Preparing and then eating a good meal is so satisfying Spending time with friends recharges my soul.. The peaceful calm of a reading a book or taking a walk  on Shabbos, seeing little kids dressed up on Purim ,and  sipping a vibrant cup of tea are all simple pleasures that make life worth living.
         Not everyone marries , even if one marries there is no guarantee that one will have a child. . It is important to strive to have these things, but having these things should not  be the only way one can feel like a viable individual.

Happy Birthday

      Its not my birthday today, but I thought I would write about birthdays in general. It is true that birthdays can be limiting in many ways but in other ways they make me wonder "now what?" When I reach a dreaded age I realize that its not really that different than being the age I was the day before and that there are still things to do and experience regardless of age. There may be things that I cannot do because of my age, but there are lots of things that I can do and I would prefer to focus on the positives. I  enjoy not having to worry about taking the SAT ever again, not wondering how tall I won't end up being as an adult and not wondering about so many firsts in life. Its exciting to do things for the first time but its also nice to have experienced life a little bit  and know what I like and dislike due to life experiences. Then again, , no matter how much in life one has already experienced there is always so much more to accomplish. 

Shiva

     I just got back from a shiva call. My friend's younger brother passed away. I did not know him well, but he was a lovely person. I feel so sad for my friend and her family. Shiva calls always make me introspective. It makes me contemplate the meaning of life. A friend or loved one could go at any time. It is so important to spend as much time as possible with them and always make sure they know how much you care for them. Life is unpredictable and relationships are what make life worth living.

Wedding in Ashdod

     This is obviously quite horrible, but on the other hand quite life affirming. There is a war going on in Israel and yet these people were trying to have a wedding until the rocket showed up. Its really quite moving to see how even despite such conditions people are trying to live their lives.

The length of Days

     The eternal question as to why some people are blessed with long lives and others are given shorter is always on my mind in times of tragedy. I think that the only thing to say is that we do not understand Hashem's reasons for things. We have to appreciate the blessings in life that we do receive.
    Sometimes I get angry at others who say that they know why Hashem has done this or that. I suppose if it makes it easier for them to cope it does not bother me, but it bothers me when they want to force their opinion on others because really they do not really know the true reasoning for things , they just know what works for them.
     All I know is that three Jewish boys had their lives extinguished just because they were Jewish. Who knows what they could have accomplished had they lived longer lives. Then again in their short lives they caused some of the most amazing prayer sessions  and achdus that I have ever seen. Something about their kidnapping hit a nerve so deep within Jewish people .  We are still in galus.  May we only have more bracha .May moshiach come speedily in our days.

Meanwhile Years Later

      Things often aren't what one thinks . When I was a kid in school there was a boy a few years older than I was who I thought had a really cool name and came from a pretty frum family. While I still think that his name was really cool,  I realize that he had a more sordid family background than one might think. He had several siblings who went off the derech in radical ways and a brother who I had heard had been in a bad car accident who I found  out years later had really committed suicide. Its always sad when the bubble of illusion is burst and all that is left is cold harsh reality. As a kid you think that everyone you know has it easier than you do and then you find out years later that they really , really did not. Funny how that is.

What it all means

     I used to have a friend who wished she did  not want to get married because then  she would not feel bad that she was single.  I also know someone who worries that  her sick friend's daughter is too dependent on her mother. She feels she should not spend so much time with her mother because she feels it will be harder for her when her mother passes.
      I think that the purpose of life is to strive for something even though one may not get it and even if it hurts when one does not achieve one's goals. I may not find a spouse, but then again maybe I will and I would definitely regret not trying to find one more than the pain I am going through trying to find my bashert.
      Losing a loved one is always painful whether one spends a lot of time with them or little time with them. One is not going to escape missing them or wishing they were there to to help one navigate life when they are gone. I think that my friend means well when she fears her friend's daughter will be devastated when her mother passes on , but the daughter will feel distraught and alone when her mother dies no matter what . She would also feel even worse if she does not spend every moment with her now when she is alive.
      Knowing life is finite does not mean that one should avoid  people and things in life because they are finite, it means one should love and appreciate everyone one holds dear because we have a limited time to spend with them. Every moment is precious.

      

Paths

Everyone has a different path. Sometimes the path does not turn out according to plan. Sometimes it ends up better than expected and other times one wishes it could have been different. The key is to be happy with whatever road life takes you down. Easier said than  done.

Satisfaction

     Birthdays are always a time when people re-examine their lives. Am I closer to my goals than I was last year? No, today is not my birthday. It is the birthday of a good friend of mine, thus the introspection.
      It is so easy to look back at the year and feel an aura of dissatisfaction. One is still single, may never have children, may never be independently wealthy. The list goes on. If ruminating about what one lacks propels a person to improve one's lot then ruminating can be positive. If it just sinks one further into a pit of self pity then ruminating is counter-productive. Perhaps it would be better to  try and identify what is good in one's life and try and appreciate.   If one is healthy, bask in this. Does one have solid friendships, and/or family who one mutually loves, cares and respects? These are all vital ingredients to existence on planet earth. Cherish them.
       Do you make time for the things that are important to you? If so appreciate this. If not try to make time for them.
       No matter how wealthy a person is one always wants more. Appreciate what one does have. I used to live in basement apartment. I had a friend who visited me and  disparaged me for living there. At the time it was all I could afford and I was satisfied living there because the rent was reasonable and I was able to do everything I wanted to because I had such low rent. Until she  brought it up I felt just fine about it. Don't let others drag you down.
       The quickest way to wealth is to appreciate what one has. Life is a process. Being satisfied with one's lot is not a cop-out. One can strive for one's goals while being satisfied with what bounty one has. It is always best for striving to start at point of strength rather than weakness.
      

love the life you have

      Sometimes a person can get distracted by all of the things one is striving for  that one does not notice all the good one actually has. Seeing how bad life is for others can make me appreciate my own life. Life may not have turned out how I would have liked it too, but B"H I  have a pretty good life. Its too bad that it takes seeing others misfortunes to appreciate what one has. 

Ariel Fishman gives thanks to the 70 blood donors who saved his life.

   This is a most amazing story about someone who is alive today because 70 people gave blood. I gave blood once years ago and felt really ill afterward. I give everyone who is able to give blood credit. It isn't so simple and it  can do so much. It saves lives. Ariel Fishman is one such person.

Love is....

     I don't know if its age or just co-incidence , but I have a lot of friends who are in avelus for the loss of a parent. I unfortunately have been in their shoes and I know how tough it is to go through. It is as if a part of you is being ripped from you . It does not matter if one was close with one's parent or not, it just feels that way to have a parent pass away. I am sad for my friends who are now going through this because I know that it really takes at least a year of mourning until things get better. It also reminds me to appreciate my mom and other close relatives and friends. It is so important to let people , especially older relatives know how much you love  and appreciate them while they are around.

October 30

     Today my dad would have been 77 years old. It is so weird to say that number because he only lived to be 74. With the hurricane and all of the destruction I almost forgot that I had one less birthday card to send this year.  Again.
      Death is weird. When I used to hear people say that when loved ones pass on they don't really die, that  they become part of you I always thought it was a cliche. Now I know its true. They may not be alive but they are alive in your thoughts and memories . Its sad but on the other hand its kind of nice. You can choose how you want to remember them . You don't have to remember what you would prefer to forget. Its too bad one can't do this while people are alive. Or can we?
     Sometimes when people pass away you gain another perspective about who they were when they were alive when its not clouded by the day to day stupidity that can go on. Its unfortunate that sometimes one does not always appreciate someone until they are not around anymore.
    The thing is we can all say we will try to do better with those who are in our lives now but in reality we probably won't . We probably couldn't if we wanted to. That's whats great about life. We think it goes on forever when it really doesn't. I think that its supposed to be like that. This is how we grow and how we take chances. Mistakes are what help us grow.
      Anyway, today is my dad's birthday and I'm thinking about how though he did not get to be old he also did not have to be really sick and debilitated for  many years at the end of his life. This was something that he did not want. So though he did not get to live to be 77, he did live the years he did live as a vibrant person. I think this is the way I would prefer to remember my dad - as a vibrant person.

Enjoying the Journey

     Life is messy. No matter how hard one tries, things do not always go as planned. One can try and try but things may still not turn out the way one wants it to. That's the part that stinks. Sometimes one has to realize that things won't happen the way one may have wanted them to no matter how much one has tried . Other times things will turn out positive but it will be a long process. I find it hard to wait out the process. Sometimes anticipation can make it difficult to enjoy the moment because I am so focused on the end result. This of course is not good. One must try to be patient and realize that life is a journey. Once things are taken care of there always be will be more things to take care of . One is never really out of the woods.  There will always be something to anticipate. If one can admit that it is all a journey then it will be a smidgen easier to get through it all.