Beyond off the Derech

     Everyone always talks about those who radically fall off the derech. While there is always quite a bit to discuss about them  there are others who fall off the path more quietly. Some people start to lose their bearings while looking for their soul mate. They try every means of meeting their mate but still nothing seems to result in marriage. Slowly they become lax about shabbos. Suddenly they go from contemplating dating secular Jews to contemplating dating gentiles. Being an observant Jew is not a task meant to be performed alone. Sometimes there are those who become overwhelmed by the loneliness of being single and shomer shabbat. I myself can get overwhelmed but being an observant Jew is too much a part of me for me to abandon it. I have friends who are not so strong . This post is not about tooting my own horn. It is hard for me to give others chizuk when I understand very well what they are having difficulty with. In a way a lot of the outreach that is going on needs to be directed at singles because they are at great danger of being lost .Some kiruv organizations often ban frum singles from their programming but they are missing the point. These singles need kiruv even if they are "just" going to these events for the singles aspect. They could do a lot worse than finding someone less frum to marry.
       It is so frustrating to be single and religious especially as a woman. At thirty you feel like and old maid. Divorced men think you are selfish because you don't have children even though the only reason you don't have any is because you are single. In the secular world many say they don't want to marry unless they want kids (and even then they may not marry). In the religious world no one wants to marry a woman unless they think she can have x amount of children. I have friends who are starting to think that since they may be too old to have kids that they don't care if they marry someone frum or even Jewish. I am not condoning their thoughts but I can understand why their thoughts are going there.
       Perhaps the reason I have remained steadfast is that though I think that having children is for marriage I also believe that having children is not the only reason to get married. Getting married is about the two people building a life together, spending holidays together, growing together as people and spiritually. Its not that children should not be a part of this, its just that if it isn't it does not mean someone should not marry. Being alone for life is not a better choice. Giving up who one is spiritually should not be an option either.

purim greetings

purim will soon be upon us. i have always loved purim . i wonder if the charedim will soon be calling megillas esther  megillas mordechai because they so want to hide women . this of course would be ridiculous because the name esther already means hidden so no need to hide her  more.
one of the reasons ive liked purim , aside from shalach manos and hamantashen is because a woman is a central part of the story of purim. now that i think about it intermarriage was a part of the purim story. after all achashverosh did not convert to judaism. then again, marrying a gentile is not one of the three cardinal sins in judaism- killing, idolatry or adultery so i guess to save the jewish people its ok to marry a goy. the funny thing is as many times as i have studied the story of purim i never remember discussing the intermarriage component. if it was discussed it must not have been much because i have zero recollection of such a discussion. i am surprised that the less ritualistic branches of judaism haven't had a field day with  this one. then again maybe they have but because im frum i haven't heard them do this.

intermarriage

one work issue that i always find difficult is having jewish co-workers who date gentiles. how can one be polite without making it seem like you condone their behavior? its easy to know what to say to someone when everything is theoretical, but when these are really people one knows, its a whole other bowl of wax.
i know that alot of people say that if someone wasnt raised frum what does one expect. they will be dating goyim . i dont really agree with this. there are plenty people that i know who grew up frum who have ended up dating non-jews. usually they are off the derech when they are doing this, but not always. sometimes someone is just lonely and then they meet someone who isnt jewish and though they are not going out of their way to do this they are suddenly dating someone who isnt jewish. this is not something that i would ever do, but i can see the logic.
some who date out say that they had alot of bad experiences dating in and that the gentile boyfriend/girlfriend has better midos than the jewish boyfriend/girlfriends they have had. what do you say to that? i usually dont say anything. it probably is true. but this doesnt prove that they would never be able to find a yid to have a relationship with that has good midos....they just havent yet....
currently i have a jewish co-worker who is dating a goy. he's the epitome of the boyfriend no parent would want their daughter to date AND he isnt jewish. its just so sad. her parents are plotzing, but im not sure what they would think if she actually became frum. they might not like that either. the thing is, this co-worker of mine is the type who if she went to a frum singles event she would be the belle of the ball. she'd have no problem finding someone.
of course im not the best example of how great it is to date someone jewish because im perpetually single and have more bad stories than i would care to share. i do know that its not just the jewish men who are creeps. i think that its hard to find quality men. i have gentile co-workers who also think that a good man is hard to find.