Some Inspiration on a Monday Night

     A few years ago I had a friend who had a serious illness and eventually was in hospice. I wished that I had heeded my mother's advice and visited her sooner rather than later. At the time I had been in denial that my friend really was as sick as she was. I did end up visiting her but unfortunately for me she was pretty far gone when I finally made my appearance. My friend knew she had a visitor but I'm not convinced that she remembered who I was.I am glad I visited her and it was good for her to have had a visitor but it would have been better had I visited her when she still would have known who I was and when she still could have a coherent conversation.
    As luck and life would have it I have been given the opportunity to do better another time. I have another friend who is now in hospice care. I visited him in the hospital right before he was admitted to hospice care. It was hard to look at him but his spirit was still there and he had his wits about him.
   Today I visited my friend  in the  hospice. I am not sure there are not many people who can say that when they left from visiting a friend who is hospice that they were smiling. My friend looked a lot better than he did when he was in the hospital. His hair is gray but his skin no longer is. He actually looked healthier. He is also such an inspiring person. When I entered the room he offered me seltzer for hachnosas orchim. At first I thought he was asking me to pour him some seltzer but alas he was offering me some seltzer. I was in awe.
      Its not that there was deep conversation during my hospice visit but It was so nice to see that though my friend is in hospice his spirit and personality is still there. I was so happy to visit and see that he was still himself, still with his sharp humor and kindness. I left smiling and felt glad to have visited a friend and not like I was "just" visiting someone in hospice.

Death and ex-Friends

    I suppose the title of this post is a bit obvious . When a friend passes away they become an ex-friend ... Well what I really mean is when someone one may have been friends with years ago passes away one realizes how large a part of one's life this person really was.
     An ex-friend of mine passed away today. I would call her an ex-friend because we had been good friends years ago and then we weren't. It had been about at least five years since we had been friends and we rarely ran into each other. Then about eight months ago she fell gravely ill. In that time I began to remember why we had been friends in the first place and I began to realize how much an impact she had on my life .
     Its an odd situation to be in when an ex-friend becomes ill. One feels horrible that this has happened to them but it does not necessarily make forget the past or make one suddenly want to be best friends with them again. It forces one to try to be a better friend to one's old friend that one would have had they not been ill.
     Death is still sad whether one was great friends with the person now or five years ago. Illness , however sad does have a purpose. It gives one time to get used to the impending passing of a friend . It doesn't make it better really but it does help a person prepare . When  a person passes suddenly one does not get to contemplate a world without  a person before one really has to.
      Now that my friend has passed I know that she is no longer is in pain. I hope that she is at peace. I hope she knows that she made an impact on this world though her stay hear was not long. 

In Sickness and in Health

     Its always heartbreaking to hear that someone one knows is ill . It is especially sad when it is someone one used to be close friends with but one no longer is friends with. Even worse if this person was not ill one would be trying one;s darnedest to steer clear of.
     The first stage one goes through is anger that this person has to be sick. They always seemed to love the attention of being the sick one anyway , but now they are really sick. It can make a person feel like all their compassion for them as the sick person who liked to milk the sympathy card has been long depleted. But now they really are sick.  %&*.  One knows its not right to feel this way. Of course there is also denial. Maybe they really aren't as sick as it seems. Maybe or hopefully they are yet again  exaggerating . But in one's heart of hearts one knows they aren't exaggerating.
       Then there is guilt. There is the fear that when one does actually visit this ex-friend that they will not be happy . They will be angry at how the friendship had deteriorated. In sickness there are few filters left.
       One waits. One prays. One hopes the decree will be reversed . One hopes this ex-friend will get better. But they don't . They get worse. Time is running out and one knows one has to face the music. One has to visit them . Not because of possible future regrets, but to honor that past friendship.
      Visiting someone in hospice is one of the most deeply depressing things to do. What does one say to someone who is waiting at death's door? It helps to look online for hints of what to say to someone in an advanced stage of cancer. It helps, but it does not totally prepare a person for what one is about to encounter.
      It is surreal to encounter someone stripped of there memories but with their personality remaining. Perhaps they can really remember but they cannot express their thoughts anymore. It is hard to tell. Not sure if one is recognized but not sure that one isn't. For the first ten minutes she does not speak at all. So I just talk. She is shaking. Its hard to take in. She tries to tell me what has happened to her and how its for the best but she cannot fully express it. She is frustrated. Considering all she has been through she looks very good.  The nurse says she does not know what she is saying when my friend seems agitated at me for not understanding her questions, but she cannot find the words. Maybe she really did have recognition because she very clearly says  that no one really knows the real her and that she really is a very fragile soft person. This was something that she would have said  had she been her usual self.  She tries to ask if it seems like she is out of it but the nurse interrupts her and says that she doesn't know what she is saying . She argues back and then stops. It seems she does understand .She keeps tapping her wrist . She wants to know the time. Is glad to know its not too late. When the nurse asks her how to say amen in Hebrew she perks up. The nurse does not think she knows what is going on because she does not know her. When she asks her questions she answers partially and I finish her sentence when the nurse keeps pressing her.  She nods when I answer for her.
     Her being in this state sort of gives others time to say goodbye. Then again, it seems cruel to say goodbye to someone who may not understand that this is goodbye. It seems cruel to try to make amends when the person can hear but not kick back.

      When I left I shook her hand. She gave a firm handshake. I hugged her and said. abi gezunt. and she firmly replied abi gezunt back. From her response I think that she was glad that I visited. I really could not say goodbye. It was just too sad.
      

Breaking up is Hard to do

     Seinfeld knew what he was talking about. He did an episode about  having a friend he did not want to hang out with anymore. His take was that its easier to break up with someone you are dating than with a friend. When someone you are dating breaks up with you well that's a clear message and that's that. It is so much harder to break up with a friend. Especially a friend that doesn't know that their personality is grating and you really don't want to hang out with them anymore. Its nothing specific but definite. I have that a lot. I meet people who would be OK if they just wanted to be a once in a while to get together friend but are so lonely they always want to get together. I try to make sure I sound really busy but sometimes I am bored so I get together with them a lot and then I realize they are really annoying . If only I could break up with this friendship in  a direct way. Instead I start to ignore their calls and not call them back so often or promptly. Eventually they get the hint. It would have been so much easier to be direct about it, but I think it would be more hurtful. So I usually go the indirect route.

Facebook

     I miss the days when a person could end a friendship by slowing drifting away from them. I miss when ending friendships did not have to be so official. Like the days before facebook. Now when you drift out of friendship from someone you have to wonder when it is okay  to remove them from your facebook friends list. Or is it ever okay? When they defriend you on facebook it feels bad, but you already weren't friends for a long time. So why does it even matter? Before facebook breaking up a friendship did not have to be so official.

goodbyes

goodbyes can be difficult especially when they are final. worse than saying goodbye is not being able to say goodbye.
the last time i saw my grandmother  a"h i did not realize that it was going to be the last time that i would see my grandmother. to this day i wish that i would have given her a proper goodbye . at the time she was ill and she fell asleep during the visit. when i left i said goodbye but it just looked like she wasn't feeling good and i didn't want to wake her so i did not make  an elaborate goodbye when we parted. a month later she passed away.
when my dad died a"h i did not get to say goodbye but i was with him the last day of his life . his passing was unexpected, so there were no goodbyes.
both my grandmother and my father have visited me in my dreams which has helped the process of closure.
it must be even more awful to sit by someone in the hospital and see the life force separate from the body even though at that point one is able to say goodbye because one knows what is coming .
there are two people that i have been able to say goodbye to , one (to my knowledge)   is still alive  and one who  is not.
not long after my dad died a 79 year old client dropped by my job to say goodbye to everyone. she was dying of cancer and she just wanted to say farewell. i was glad that i was there at the time. she was such a lovely lady.
i have another acquaintance who has als (lou gherig's disease). he told me when he had been diagnosed with it. i had no words.   i had the honor of seeing this individual  recently. though i was teary eyed, i made sure to say goodbye. i do not know if we will ever meet again on this earth. i know his wife and son. they are in so much pain. its a dastardly disease. the person is alive and dead at the same time.
i can't be so serious as to have a mindful goodbye every time i say goodbye to someone. it would be too depressing. i just try to appreciate the friends and loved ones in my life as much as i can.

who knows me best?

i always wonder who knows me best, my good friends or those who read my blog?  some of my  good friends do read my blog, so i will include them as my blog readers .i think that those who read my blog probably know me best. a lot of people assume about me instead of listen to what i am actually saying.  a lot of my friends suffer from narcissism and insist on interrupting me every time i speak so i know they arent listening to me when i speak they are just waiting to tell me whatever piece of nonsense they are waiting to interrupt me with.
i can tell from the comments on this blog that there are people out there who get my point of view and are listening. thanks . its good to know.

engagement

when a friend gets engaged it is always bittersweet. im happy that they are able to move to the next step, but im sad because im never sure whether we will still be friends once they get married.
no matter which way it ends up, whether we remain friends or not i am still glad my friend is engaged.
of course i am envious of my friend if she is engaged, but this is good envy. it motivates me to take action and try to make it happen for myself  (though it hasn't come up with  any desired results...)
buts seriously , some people aren't envious of   their friend's engagements , weddings and children because they don't think they will ever have one. not hard not to be envious if your self esteem is that low.
other times it is easy not to feel envious because one knows how much ones friends went through to get to where they are.
yes, i am genuinely  happy for my friends when they get engaged its just that sometimes im sad for myself that i haven't gotten there myself and i guess gets worse every year that goes by because after all some people never get married . then again its good to know that some of my friends have gotten engaged and married so they don't have to continue going through all the singleness.

hush

i just finished reading the book hush by  a woman whose pseudonym is eishes chayil..i am in awe.
sexual abuse in the clergy is not a new thing especially among the catholics. these issues have only been out in the open in the recent past. sexual abuse of children is not limited to any particular religious group and isnt only something priests do to catholic school children. its an equal opportunity psychological disorder.
 recently chassidishe as well as yeshivish pediphiles have polluted the airwaves with scandal. what had once been taboo to discuss has been blown out of the water. exposing such monsters does not mean that everyone who is chassidishe or yeshivish is a pedophile just like all catholic priests are not pedophiles either. the point of blowing the cover of such scoundrels is to protect the innocent who have been scarred by such monsters and to not let them ever commit such vile acts again.
a woman who calls herself eishes chayil witnessed her childhood friend being molested. she also knew of a boy who had hung himself because he had been molested. the community she grew up in was hush-hush about these events. they didn't want anyone to know lest it ruin their chances for shidduchim. eishes chayil wanted to wake people up. sexual abuse of  children occurs in every community and must be addressed so there will never be another child  suffering from sexual abuse. eishes chayil succeeds in conveying her message by portraying a multifaceted, loving  and g-d fearing community of chassidim who are a bit too  concerned with being spurned by the community for condemning child molestation and not concerned enough about preventing it in the first place. it might ruin their shidduch chances. it might cause them to be threatened  physically. this type of ignorance must not continue.                                                                             because this is a novel and not just a newspaper article eishes chayil was able to show us the beauty and innocence of a chassidishe lifestyle. chassidim may be much too concerned with what the jones' will say but they are also basically caring people.they  just need to work on this issue.  we don't need any more young men jumping from their hotel windows on their wedding night because they were molested as a children.
there is a reason why the world is more open about psychological disorders. it is so those who chas v'shalom have to endure such atrocities will be able to be helped and so abusers will stop.
when a frum community ignores the cries of those who are molested because it may be lashon hara or because  it could ruin the good name of the molester's family that community is condoning molestation. silence is acquiescence. the torah does not say one should stand idly by while children are abused. that is not torah and it is not frumkeit. it seems the chassidim are more concerned with the good of many rather than the well being of an individual. im not sure why. i know that ive learned in the modern orthodox school that i went to as a child that if you save one person it is as if you have saved an entire world. if one person is murdered it is as if a whole world has been destroyed. is this not a chassidishe or yeshivish concept? i thought that this was what the torah espouses. period.
everyone loses when molestation occurs . the victim as well as all of their friends and family.
thank you eishes chayil for writing this tenderly  written  book about such a grievous issue. if it will help but  one child be safe it will have been successful.  may this book protect  us all.

i told you so

yeah i know that this isn't a chanukiah but i liked the picture so thought id sneak it on this post.
a few months ago i had a friend who was about to do a very stupid thing. my other friends and i warned her against doing this very stupid thing yet she did it anyway. now the you know what has hit the fan and i feel bad for her even though she did this stupid thing  knowing full well  the repercussions. i still feel bad for her . i wish i could have influenced her not to do this stupid thing. but at least i can rest a little easier because i had tried to warn her,
it never feels good to be able to say i told you so.

conviction

i just saw the movie conviction. conviction  is   the true story of a man who is convicted of murder and whose sister goes to law school in order to save him. it took her eighteen years to do this.  this is the meaning of love and love for one's family. how many people can say they have been loved so much by a family member?
the film also depicts the power of friendship. bettty ann waters , the woman whose brother was wrongfully convicted made an incredible friend when she was in law school. they were both older students which helped them bond. this was a friendship where when betty ann was discouraged by setbacks from her brother's case her friend abra would come over to her house and make her get  out of bed.
family bonds are very strong, and the power of supportive friendships help make life worth living. to have even one true friend makes life worth living. knai lecha chaver.
this movie also shows that persistence for justice can net results even if it may take a very long time to achieve .

shabbos plans

every friday i hear the same question. "so what are you doing for shabbos?" sounds innocuous , right.? well sort of . the thing is as much as i like to go away for shabbos and visit friends, my most favorite thing is staying home for shabbos . this doesn't mean that i stay in my apartment like a hermit, just means i get to stay home and sleep in my own bed. i have friends over for a meal or go out for meals. i usually go to shul and later in the day sit on the benches on ocean parkway. i always make time for reading and a nice sized nap. if i go away for shabbos im on somebody else's schedule. for meals im at somebody else's mercy. usually when i go out for a meal when im home in brooklyn it doesn't matter what is on the menu. if the food is not plentiful i know that when i go home i will be able to refuel with my own food.
even if when i go away to a good friends for shabbos i still feel like i have lost  my weekend. even if i have a good time. when i go away for shabbos i lose that time of the week when im in charge of the day's agenda.

the not so good old days....

i recently came across a facebook group from one of the summer camps i attended . when i saw the photos it struck me just how very young my fellow campers and i were. even the counselors looked like babies. the jappy girls looked so angelic. they also looked too young to have been so cliquish . in the photos some of the rowdy boys appeared just as wiley as they did when i knew them years ago. it was nice to view those photos in the safe distance of memory. i did not like that camp much. it seems like such a lifetime ago. its almost hard to believe that i was that young even though i recall it so vividly. the good thing about looking back is that it will always be the past.

bragger beware!!

i absolutely hate braggers!!! i don't like drawing attention to myself even when goodness finds me. i don't like to make others feel envious of me. it really irks me that some people love bragging. they just think they are sooo special. what self confidence! what conceit! to me bragging is the worst midah one can possess. why make others who don't have what you have feel bad for what they are lacking?

tweetup / blogger meet up

i went to the jewish tweetup /blogger meet up at 92y tribeca last wednesday.
when i first saw the event advertised by frumsatire on facebook, i wasnt sure if i even wanted to go. it would be fun to meet other bloggers, but did i want to blow my anonymity? would it make any difference to those who would meet me if i were no longer anonymous? would they even know i am a blogger anyway?
WELL ... i decided to go anyway. i figured chances were there would be so many people there that it wouldnt matter anyway....
there were not so many in attendance, but it was definitely quality above quantity..... though not a huge turnout, it was so social i didnt get a chance to chat with everyone!
moshe and his wife who i met months ago were there , heshy fried of frumsatire, wolfishmusings and jacobdajew, elisheva and her husband therealshliach, jacobdajew, and susanne were there. i met elke reva sudin of hipstersandhassids and her husband saul . i met itamar and metroimma. i also met sshriki who frequently comments on my blog.
it was cool to see those responsible for typing some of the blogs that i have read. there really werent enough people to make it too overwhelming.
it was kind of like a book event at barnes and noble for bloggers. someone was even on her computer during the event to make all of us bloggers feel at home. after all , stepping out of the computer into real life can be a bit daunting.

scratchy situations

we all get annoyed with friends and often part ways. its all a part of life. it sucks, but it happens. what happens afterward is the true test of one's humanity. just because i may have unfriended battle ax doesnt mean that everyone else has. or worse battle ax may have unfriended me and everyone else hasnt yet been undfriended by battle ax.
when i see someone unfriending a friend of mine, unless i have reason to unfriend them, i will still be friends with the unfriended. sometimes people cant make peace with one another but that doesnt mean that i have to follow their lead.
when i have been the unfriended it becomes a whole other ball of wax. i always hope that the remaining friends have my attitude of not dumping a friend just because one of my friends have dumped them. i also know that im not one of the lucky ones who always gets defended when dumped upon so i give up on anyone defending me. my philosophy is that people are idiots and you'll be friends with no one if you hold people up to too high a standard. even i have my limits, but i usually can deal. i also know that even though i may not be defended, the unjust dumper wont be able to convince others not to be friends with me. eventually unjust dumpers will dump everyone and be left to stew in their own juices anyway.
ive been in many uncomfortable situations and usually even if i dont prefer a particular person who is present i try to be civil. its bettter if things dont escalate to the uncomfortable. not because i care a wink about the those who i dislike, its just that id rather not feel uncomfortable when im trying to enjoy a social situation.

defining moments

the first day of school, bar/bat mitzvahs, weddings, moving into a new house, graduation day, first day at a new job, are all defining moments in a person's life. these are clearly defined moments in life. sometimes there are defining moments one has that at the time one doesnt realize how great an impact they will have on one's life.
after college i lived in kew gardens in hills for about a year. one afternoon i was walking down main street and i just happened to run into a friend from college i hadnt seen in a few years. by then she had gotten married and was back from a year in israel with her husband. now we are still in touch. to me this was a defining moment because had we not run into each other at that exact space in time we may not have still been in touch now.
i went to a party seven years ago and met a lot of new people . i met a few guys there that i later ended up having relationships with at different times during these past seven years. at the time it was just a party. a few friends of mine had moved out of their parents house and it was their first apartment. it was their first party . i guess for them it was a defining moment . in another way it was a defining moment for me . a moment which at the time seemed just average, but turned out not being very average at all.
over the years i have had dead-weight friends who i was just too polite to get rid of . i would try to ignore them and perhaps they would go away. needless to say that was not enough. once i was discussing this dilemma with a friend who straight out said"why are you still friends with x? get rid of people like that in your life. they just weigh you down!" and i did. ive never looked back..... this was a major defining moment in my life. i cant be so polite to someone else that im making myself miserable!
there are so many moments that have transformed and shaped my life. too many to count. sometimes i can look back and identify them. more often i cannot.

love your neighbor.... or at least be civil!

tisha b'av is around the corner and it seems no one has learned anything since last year. there is still sinas chinam especially amongst g-ds chosen people. we are still too busy labelling levels of frumkeit to actually try and get along. we just keep missing the point. h-shem wants us to get along with one another not nit -pick chumrahs. until some semblance of civility evolves all we will be saying next av will be " same time next year" but hopefully not.

im vs telephone

when i finally got a computer 7 years ago, i was introduced to the wonderful world of IM . its great, you can talk to someone and multi-task at the same time in a way not possible while chatting on the phone. i have found that more males IM than females. females tend to stick to the more old fashioned form of communication, namely the telephone. i being female love IM and wish more of my female friends would get in to IM. if my friends who call me late at night would only IM me instead it would be so much bettter. somehow i can unwind faster after a late night IM much better than a much too late night phone call. i really need to suggest it to them. the only thing is that some of my female friends are so technologically inept that it would be hard to get them to IM more. oh well....

sensitive souls

whenever i leave someone a message on some one's answering machine that i have called just to chat and my friend doesnt call me back immediately i always assume that they are just busy. i assume that when the person has time to call back they will. this is always what i assume . nothing more and nothing less.
i have some friends who leave me messages that they are calling just to chat and think that im mad at them if i dont call them back within the next day. this of course is what they think because they are ultra-sensitive. usually if i dont call someone back right away it is because im busy and have no time to chat. its rarely because im mad at someone. sometimes i dont call someone back right away because i dont have a large block of time to schmooze and i know that the friend who has left a message will be offended if i dont have alot of time to chat. i wait until i have the time to chat and then i phone them. sometimes im so busy i have no time to call them briefly and tell them i dont have time to chat. that requires calling them at time when i dont think that they are home so i can just leave a message. i do try to leave a quick e-mail. this usually does the trick.
am i so arrogant that i figure that if someone doesnt return my phone call that they just dont have time? i think not. are those who think im angry when i dont call them back immediately -even when i tell them repeatedly that this isnt the case- overly sensitive? i think so. what do you think?