My Nose: The Bigger Version trailer

    I recently saw the documentary LOOK AT US NOW MOTHER by Gayle Kirschenbaum. Its about a woman who grew up with a very critical mother and how she worked through it and still has a relationship with her mother. The first thing that I thought when I watched this film is thank G-d that my mother is nothing like this mother. The next thing that I thought was how brave it was of  Kirshenbaum to have made this film. What you see is a very self confidant daughter who realizes that her mother though flawed  did the best that she could and that she was able to forgive her and have a good relationship with her as an adult . Of course this is done with much therapy and work on herself.   So many people in this situation are not strong enough to get to the place Kirshenbaum has. Kirshenbaum has used this film as a platform for people who have had emotionally abusive parents to be able to deal with their pasts and move forward . She gives seminars on this subject.
     Pesach is coming soon. Its a time for when families converge. Its a time to break free from bad patterns and form stronger bonds with loved ones. Everyone may not have had  as tough of a journey as Gayle Kirshenbaum has but we all certainly can learn from it.

You Can Never Go Home Again

     When I was eighteen I read a  book that was not necessarily that prolific, but one line in it was. The line that I found so true was  "You can never go home again". Once you stop living with your parents you can never go back to the way things were before. The older I get the more I realize that its true. This is not a bad thing. It is all part of becoming an independent person.
      Once you are able to support yourself and take care of yourself you can appreciate your parents on a different level. I for one appreciate my mother's cooking more now that I have to make food for myself. Once one does not live with one's parents it is easier to look at one's parents as people who try their best .
       I can never go home again but being with family is always heartwarming because it was my first home . They were the ones who taught me what home is.
      

On Having Children

      To be sure women get the short shrift when it comes to how long they are able to have kids. Biologically after a certain point it just is not going to happen. Men always seem so cocky about this. I find this hilarious. Maybe a woman is not able to conceive a child at a younger age but really men do not have that much longer to have kids. Its maybe ten years longer than women do , but its not unlimited. Perhaps a man could sire a child at 60,  70 or 100 years old but what does that mean? He most likely will not get to see that kid grow up. He most likely won't be able to play catch with that kid. Even if he does get to see his kid grow up he may not be in the best of health. He will be more of a grandfather than a father figure.
       A lot of times older men are seeking much younger women to stoke  their egos. I get that.  In  reality no one has an unlimited time to become a parent. 

Children Roaming

     This past Shabbos I was minding my own business walking down the street . There were about 5 very small children ahead of me. There was no parent ahead of them. There were a few adults walking behind me.  The 3-5 year olds stopped at the curb and waited. The about one and a half year old kept walking . She walked right into the street. As she was about to pass the curb I for a split second looked to see if anyone was racing to get her. I realized no one was so I ran after her and stopped her. I told her to get out of the street and took her by the hand and brought her back to the curb. Longer time than should have passed  before the child's father came and scooped her up. The family thanked me profusely . I was a bit taken aback by the experience so I quickly walked away.
     It always disturbs me that people are so haphazard about watching their children when they walk down the street. They often rely on children barely big enough to watch out for themselves to look out for children who are even younger. Why wasn't anyone holding this toddler's hand while she was walking? Even if she had broken free from someone's hand it did not look like anyone was trying to retrieve her. As a single  without kids woman I am horrified. How is it that someone lucky enough to have kids can  be so careless? I was afraid I was going to tell these people just this , so I quickly left . I couldn't keep it all inside, so I am sharing my thoughts with you.

morbid moments

maybe i'm the only one but before my father passed away i used to have passing moments where i would wonder which parent would pass away first and what it would be like. after awhile though i did not imagine anymore. it became more apparent over time who would pass first because that was the parent who was experiencing more health issues.  my dad has passed away. now i know the answer. i was hoping that it would have been a rhetorical question longer .

time passages

when i was a kid and an older person would tell tales of his/her long ago childhood it would just seem so mythical. it was hard to imagine this senior citizen as a child  with parents and siblings. i must be getting old but now i can these tales come to life in my mind's eye when i hear the elderly speak of their long ago youth. perhaps its age or having experienced loss that helps me picture the past. i can close my eyes sometimes and i see my parents and siblings in our house as it was when i was ten years old. the weird part is that when i imagine it doesn' t even feel like long ago. but so much has changed. im not ten and  although my mother still lives in my childhood home, my father is no longer alive.
when my grandmother passed away the hardest part was realizing how the years will pass and it would be so long since i would have seen her. its been ten years now and it seems like just yesterday since i have heard her contagious laughter. i realize its been ten years but she is still with me in spirit. it hasn't been as long since my father has passed, but i imagine it will be the same.

one thing i have learned is to treasure the time one has with  loved ones. no one knows what the future will bring, but the present is ours to cherish.

father's day

this father's day is the second father's day since my dad has passed away. it is also the first father's day that i don't have any relative to wish happy father's day to as my last living great uncle has passed away and none of my brothers are fathers (yet). its a weird concept to get used to . its kind of along the lines of life goes on. get used to it. and much as one is forced to get used to things, in concept it is always easier to do than in reality.
unfortunately people don't usually appreciate things until they are gone . appreciate your parents because after 120 when they are not around you will miss them terribly. unfortunately this is easier said than done.
happy father's day.

time heals

im visiting the midwest and my mother for the labor day/rosh hashana festivities that are upon us. its been five months since my dad passed away. now it seems like its been a long time. right after he passed it seemed more surreal than real. now it just seems real. it also is much easier to internalize. ive already had months to get used to it.  it actually seems like even longer since i have spent time with my father as himself as opposed to his pre-death self. that was actually a year ago  labor day when i visited my parents.
the pain following my father's death was so brutal that its good that it has dissipated. time to remember the good times. the passage of time really compels one to to do so.you begin to forget the pain of the death scene and  replace it with memories of the deceased as they were when they were alive.

life goes on....

i went back to the midwest to visit my mom for july fourth. it was the best way i could have spent the past five days. its been three months since my dad has passed away. so much has happened since then that it seems more like a year. going back to my parents house sealed the finality of it all in my mind. when you don't live nearby one's mind can play tricks. going back to the scene of the crime made me face the reality that my dad is really gone. the weird thing about the passing of a parent is that you somehow miss the things that annoyed you the most about them. we are all moving on which is very important, but its sad just the same. one chapter of my life has closed . another has begun.

restrictions

when i think about people who are really strict about their year of avelus for a parent i think that its a miracle that we don't hear about more suicides . some people wont get together in large groups . they wont watch tv or listen to recorded music at home. now if one doesnt watch tv or recorded music anyway its no big deal. if one is anti-social ,then being completely withdrawing from society is a welcome mitzvah.

according to maurice lamm in the jewish way in death and mourning the prohibition of joining in joyful occasions during avelus really refers to going to the meal at a religious event such as a wedding, bar mitzvah or bris. some people have extended this to all public get togethers and according to him this is what people have accepted upon themselves. well, i wonder who provides the prozac(oh thats assur too) ? not attending a wedding , bris or bar mitzvah isn't as bad of a restriction. there are ways to get around this as well. one can even get around this restriction by having a job at the simchah. weddings , a bar mitzvah or a bris are very public expressions of simchah so i understand why they are prohibited. not getting together in groups for any social occasion is another issue. im single. i live by myself. when im sad i NEED to be with others to help me get out of my sadness. to prohibit me from being social is like saying " you are sad and you dare not feel better for a year". it may take a year to feel better after losing a parent . one also might not feel so social anyway. my problem is mandating these "rules" instead of letting a person see how it goes. the depth of feelings one feels after losing a parent is more intense than one can imagine. if i would feel as intensely sad as i did during shivah it would be dangerous to my health. now that i am back in new york and have gotten together with my friends i feel alot better. just because one is trying to get out of deep pain and loss doesn't mean one has forgotten what has happened. it just means one is not a suicide risk.

the biggest issur during avelus is live music, because it has such a power to uplift someone. great. again , just push me over the edge of a cliff why dont you ? truthfully, i dont really go to so many concerts . i go to the jewish music cafe in park slope a few times a year and the summer concerts in brighton beach. the summer concerts in brighton beach are amazing. i will miss them this year if i have the strength to resist. we will see.

when one is single one is allowed to attend singles functions, parties, date , etc. even if there is live music. so i guess if i really want to be creative i could consider the concerts in brighton beach a singles event. LOTS of singles are there. i may be pushing the envelope , but my need for things being normal again is great. true singles events aren't that enjoyable anyway.

if i were a man i would be saying kaddish everyday for eleven months. though it is a pain to do im sure, i can see its function. it is also an action one is doing to memorialize the deceased as opposed to another restriction. some people take on another mitzvah to remember the deceased . this is more meaningful to me. i have to think of a mitzvah to take on that i think i will be able to be consistent about.

in my opinion remembering the deceased, reconciling the fact that one's relationship with them is now in the past. being able to return to living in the present is the idea of avelus. being able to move on and not being paralyzed by the pain is an important part of mourning. from what i can see this is not a part of the jewish tradition of avelus. too bad. it should be.

more grieving....

the death of a parent really hits a person by surprise. here you are going about your business and then boom, it happens. my dad had some health issues , but i didn't think that he would pass away at the age he was. both of my dad's parents lived until their late eighties. if you would have met my dad you would have never thought that he was the age that he was. he was so full of strength.

when a parent dies it not only makes you confront their mortality but one's own. it also makes you realize that no matter how much you wished your relationship could have been more ____ (fill in the blank however you wish) you still miss them and wish they would still be on this earth.

the death of a parent means your nuclear family is never going to be the same. you have become part of a club that you never wanted to join in the first place. the club of those who have lost a parent.

the greatest thing...

the greatest thing that happened when my brother got married a few years ago was not that he got married. im happy for him that he is married , but that wasn't the best thing to come from his wedding.

the best thing that happened when my brother got married was that i realized how lucky i was to have my family be my family and not my brother's wife and her family . ok i suppose my brothers wife is sort of part of my family now, but she isnt my actual sister.

i realized my sister is the best sister in the world and that though my parents arent always perfect i thank hashem every minute that they are my parents and that my brothers wife's parents are not my parents.

planning a wedding can bring out the worst in people but in a way it made me appreciate my family more. my family is down to earth and dont care about keeping up with the jones' or the feldmans. my sister cares about actual life issues instead of what is fashionable at saks fifth avenue this season.

as far as family goes, the dysfunction you know is always better than the dysfunction you don't know.

life without call waiting

i remember when i was first introduced to call waiting. it was was in college when i shared a phone with my roommate in the days of yore before cell phones. call waiting could have been around for a long time before i was in college. i do not know. call waiting is just one of those frills that my parents never had and still dont have. i would say that they dont know what it is , but because i have it and so does my sister and my brother who is married probably has it, i know that they have heard of it.
in truth, we managed with 7 people not to have call waiting. we survived. im not sure how . but we did. after sharing a college phone with a not so talkative roommate and even with just my not so- phone loving self, i still am not sure how we managed. but we did. sometimes when i call my parents there is a busy signal. this of course is unusual this day in age. not only can we contact people when they are anywhere we can also always get through to them or at least get through to their voicemail and leave a message. i think that when someones friend or family does not have call waiting we strengthen the midah of patience. in new york this trait can be in short supply. not a bad idea to work on it. i of course have no choice but to work on it. my parents have just 2 in their household these days because all of my siblings and i live on our own now. if they didnt have call waiting when i was growing up why start now? on the flip side i have to be grateful that they do have an answering machine!

hesoundswonderfulmarryhim

usually i dont tell my parents about any of the guys i go out with because they always think that they are wonderful and why dont i marry them. he's jobless... marry him. he's jewish ... marry him...he's unreliable... marry him. occasionally they shock me and actually dont like someone. i wouldnt take my parents advice about a guy if they like him but if they dislike a dude i take heed. if he is bad enough for my parents not to like he must be bad.

usually if my parents dislike a guy its because he's too opinionated and probably a republican. im a registered democrat who would better be categorized as an apatheticrat so coincidentally an opinionated republican would not be for me .

any man with a history of being less than kind to any male member of my family isnt considered much of a catch either by the parental code.

at the moment i cant recall any other exceptions to the hesoundswonderfulmarrryhim rule. so if a guy is nice to my brothers and a democrat my parents will get out their net and try to get him to marry me.

oy vey.

avoiding the inevitable

in case you havent noticed, i havent posted much about pesach lately. this is because im avoiding the inevitable. im thankful that i have family to spend the holiday with. im looking forward to leaving new york for two weeks....
well you see.... pesach is always the beginning of another year for me. or the ending of another year as it were. i always hope that by the next pesach i will also be spending it with a husband. every year rolls around and here i am again going to spend the holiday as a singleton with my parents.
if i just dont write about it then maybe it wont be...? well, this is life and life doesnt always bring what one wants.
for those of you that live near your parents and are single, you get to hear your parents complain about your being single much more often than i do. i do speak to my parents on the phone but its not the same as in person. my parents dont know anyone for me so its doubly frustrating.
anyway, i did start packing last week. little by little it will be done. soon i will be on my way back to the midwest...
some say next year in jerusalem, i say next year with a wedding ring.

summer apples

at the risk of making myself sound like i originate from the backwoods, i will share this memory...
when i was small my family had an apple tree in our back yard. it was really cool being able to just pick an apple off the tree and just eat it. my mom didnt even make us wash them before eating.
the apples on our apple tree were of the green variety. until this week i hadnt had an apple like the apples from that apple tree since i was eight years old. yesterday, at the union square green market i purchased green apples marked "summer apples" which tasted just like the apples we had on our tree. it was an amazing experience. munching on that crispy apple transported me to that space in time.

happy father's day

happy fathers day to all of you fathers out there. fathers day is always overshadowed by mothers day. i wonder why that is . anyway, just to make sure all of the fathers out there dont feel slighted, im wishing everyone a happy fathers day. and actually, since i believe that mothers day and fathers day are days to honor parents regardless of whether or not one is a parent i wish everyone a happy fathers day.

momzilla attack!!

my biggest pet peeve is when people use their baby carriages as weapons. its as if they have forgotten that their baby carriage actually contains a baby. you know the type. they stand behind you in line at the supermarket with the wheels of their carriages sinking into your heels, or running over your toes in the summer . what's with these people? its bad enough that they have kids, but dont get violent. i didnt have anything to do with them having a child. and if they are in such a hurry , why take the baby at all? leave the baby at home with a sitter. if they still want to be pushy solo, at least they only are using their bodies to push people out of their way, not a hard edged, hard wheeled baby carriage.

youre in the army now

when i was waiting for my flight back to new york after pesach, i noticed alot of army servicemen in the waiting areas. what i really noticed was how very young these soldiers really are. what i noticed was how many had such sweet faces. the saddest part is knowing what lies ahead for these sweet faces . my point isnt whether or not there should be a war, just that it takes away innocence from those who brave it.
i have a friend who cant stand july fourth because it reminds him too much of his years in the israeli army .
if old men had to actually fight in wars , there would be no wars.
my co-worker's daughter decided to enlist for four years. im so saddened by it. my co-worker's daughter has such a sunny personality. i hope she is able to retain it . i hope the army doesnt take that away from her. to serve one's country is very honorable , but with all of the corruption, i think that for a woman its a tough route to go. i hope that my friends daughter lives to tell the tales of her tour of duty.
my hope is for world peace in our life time.

and then she found me

i broke down and saw a movie during sefirah. i know its rationalizing, but i would watch tv at home so i dont see much difference in seeing a movie in an actual movie theater. i went by myself.
and then she found me is a movie about an woman who is 39 years old , recently married , and adopted. she also is jewish . conservadox would best describe her religiousity. she says brachos before eating.
as one might guess, this young woman, april (helen hunt) is her name, is trying to beat the clock and have a baby. somewhere along the line her marriage falls apart , but the desire for motherhood builds.
being a very hollywoodized type of scenario , of course april meets her birth mother who is bette midler. what is very interesting is that after viewing the movie, im still not sure if the bette midler character was supposed to be jewish. i find this curious since bette midler always plays such "jewish" parts.
though a bit hollywood formula, this film still packs a punch. both of april's love interests were buffoons, which explains why husband or no husband april wanted to try and become a mother.
matthew broderick's benjamin was so real to me it was scary. sadly, i think ive met quite a few men like him. colin firth's character was no better.
i think the film needed to be a little bit too hollywood in order to soften some the seriousness that was presented.
overall, i enjoyed this movie .
if you actually see this film remember to bring tissues.