Relief

     When one finally sees the light at the end of the tunnel its amazing. It almost seems unreal. There is a shroud of uncertainty thinking of what life afterward  will be like without this thorn,  but I know that it will definitely be better. There is no way it can't be. People say that change can happen in the blink of an eye and then nothing is ever the same again. In this case this change has taken many years to arrive. Relief is finally on the way. I feel better already.

      

Change

     Change is so hard at times. I often want to implement change but don't. Sometimes I feel so in control that I cannot imagine change coming from outside of myself. Sometimes things have seemed the same for so long that it seems that change is impossible . Then boom . Change is delivered to my  doorstep. The change is probably just the push I needed, but a pain in the neck just the same . 

Something to Remember

     I sometimes forget that bad people don't change no matter how much we wish they would. No amount  of giving them the benefit of the doubt will make them deserve the benefit of the doubt. Better to be around those who are kinder who also won't change, because people don't change. 

Changes

     When I was in my twenties I needed to break away from my family to become an adult. Now I feel like I want to be near them more. I feel the passage of time more now. Its funny how time does that. It makes me realize what is truly important. 

Teasing Many Years Later...

     People often wonder what one would have done in situations in the past had they known then  what they  know now. Other times you get to experience a similar situation years later and you recognize its the same thorn in your side from years ago in different packaging. 

     I  recall being teased by the "cool" boys in summer camp. I found it upsetting and  since I was on the shy side they managed to irritate me immensely without much backlash from me. Flash forward years later there are single men who think they are Mr. Cool  who like teasing me. This time around I don't let them get away with it.  Its a bit sad though. When I was younger I thought they were cool and now I realize that they really were not as mean as I thought they were they were just immature. Now I realize how immature they still are and I have little patience for those types. I guess things can change. I am no longer the victim.

The Constant of Change

   Work can be very stressful. I work with lots of characters . On the weekends I like to spend time with friends and acquaintances minus the  drama. I used to be a Shabbos guest to a family whose resting tone was yelling. After awhile I just could not take it so I stopped visiting them. Other times I have met really rude people at Shabbos meals that I am sure not to attend if I know that  those extremely rude people will be attending. To be fair I have sporadically hosted Shabbos meals which makes things easier since I am in charge of the guest list. Often I am too tired to host a meal even though I enjoy doing so.

     Life is so transient. Friends and neighbors change . People move away. Life situations change. You can think one is set with friends and family and that can all change. I like things to stay the same but the joke is on me. The only thing that is constant is change.
      

Technology and Change

     I have recently updated my internet service. You would think that this would make  me happy. Yes I am pleased that I have updated,  The speed is amazing. This time around it has been a major overhaul. Its kind of like how years ago every time I bought a new radio I would have to figure out how to use it. Oh the anxiety. Thankfully I have people to help me along with things. Updating is not easy for someone like me who enjoys when things don't have to always change so much. 

Comparing

      Don't compare yourself to what you used to be, compare yourself to what you are now. That is a tough one. Circumstances in life change and you can morn what was or you can move on. The worst part is that sometimes one's goals have to change because one's circumstances have changed . I guess its all a part of growing up...
     
      

change

    Change no matter how welcome can be a shock to the system. Often things stay the same for so long one can't even believe that anything could ever be different.
     Have a happy Purim everyone. 

CVS

    I went to CVS last week and instead of check out people there were only  the self-service check outs with store employees on hand to help people use them.  Self-service check outs have existed for years, but I have always avoided them.  Its kind of like how I knew VHS was becoming extinct but I still refused to buy DVDs until there were no more VHS tapes to purchase.  The self-service check outs really are better than the people were. For one thing, even if I insist that a store employee   hover when I self check out, I am much faster at checking out than the store employees ever were.  I guess change really can be good even though  its comforting when things are always familiar.
   

goodbyes

apartment buildings have small apartments  that one rents but does not own thus they are conducive to people living there for short time periods and then moving out. one of my neighbors who has lived in my apartment building six months less than the amount of time i have lived here is moving out. eight years is a long time to be neighbors. it will be sad to see them go. they do have four kids now so it is about time that they should be moving to a house. no matter . they will be missed. not only are they moving to a house, they are moving to baltimore. now i will have people to visit in baltimore. its bittersweet. i am happy for them, but i am sad as well. i am sad for me. when people move things change. if they had just moved to a house in brooklyn it would have been a big change, but i would have still seen them periodically. moving to a different state is different. im not friendly enough with them to call them and chat from time to time so unless i happen to have reason to go to baltimore i probably won't be in touch. this is life. this is the way it is supposed to be. its so important to appreciate friends and neighbors  when they live  nearby.  this is just a goodbye for now  not a goodbye forever even though it kind of seems more like a goodbye forever.

is change possible?

can people change?  if someone other than myself is the subject of this sentence the answer would have to be no . don't expect others to change because they probably will not. the only person one  can  change is ones self and even that is debatable. i can change my actions but i cannot change my inner self. even if i reach my goal weight and never gain back the lost weight i will always be someone who has to pay attention to what i put in my mouth . i guess its the same concept as people who are members of alcoholics anonymous. members always call themselves alcoholics even if they have been sober for decades.  someone who might have eradicated an explosive temper is still a volatile personality  they just have chosen to temper that part of their persona.

people get very caught up in controlling one's style of dress  and not as much the state of ben adam l'chavero. externals are easier to change. internal behavior is not.

even if you think people are capable of changing i would not depend on it. accept  them for who they are or move on. do not hold your breath. if its hard to control ones own behavior  imagine how hear it is to change someone else's behavior.

im not suggesting that one should never stand up for one's self in the face of others who do not think as perfectly as you do, but realize because they are not you they may never see things or do things the way you do. this is ok. find people whose essence you like and build from that . behaviors might change , but essence does not. 

why now ?

my friend's aunt and uncle are getting divorced after 36 years of marriage. it doesn't surprise me that this can happen.. perhaps it hadn't been right between the two of them for awhile and now finally they are ending it. it can be hard to break away from the familiar even if the familiar should be broken away from.
i myself have been at a job for a long time. it was a very good job for a long time, but now it is not. it takes a lot to remove ones self from one's comfort zone even if one knows it is the right thing to do. i realize that leaving a job is still different than leaving a marriage, but the similarity is that leaving something one has been committed to a for a long time can be difficult.

change

change is a part of life. we are born babies. we grow into children. we become adults. people who are close to us move away. loved ones get old and die. we go to kindergarten, high school and perhaps college . we change jobs . even the seasons change. change can be fun , like when you visit a new country , meet a new friend, move to a new house. but it is still change . change can be scary to those of us who like things to stay just the way they are now that we have gotten used to the way things are. sometimes it seems that there is  too much change and no time to just smell the roses. but then again even roses change. they blossom and then they wilt.

having a baby

one of the most amazing things that happens to people when they have a baby is not the miracle of life but the miracle of positive personality changes in the baby's parents. i have met some women who always had to be the center of attention renounce their crowns . i suppose they had no choice , but even so i find their change  quite awesome. only a tiny baby could change them so.

questions and not so good answers

just when you think  you are progressing. just when you think things might be going your way  you find out they aren't. life's like that . it gives you an answer. it might not be the answer you've been looking for , but its an answer just the same.so much for thinking people can change. just when i start forgetting that the only person that i can depend on changing is myself, i get a swift dose of reality that reminds me not to forget this mantra. too bad.

do over

if you could go back in time and relive certain parts of your life do you think you would really change how you handled things , not knowing what you know now?  its easy to say that you would, but if you didn't know what the future would hold . truthfully , even if you did know that certain choices you made in the past would be counterproductive you still may not have changed how you did things. when one is in the moment it is hard to see the big picture. sometimes there are reasons one makes certain choices at certain times and at the time they seem inevitable.you may not have done things differently. hindsight is twenty / twenty.

change

sometimes life involves so much change that its hard to change even when one knows its necessary. i kept seeing the new blogger templates, but i kept resisting the change because i so like holding on to what works. im trying this new template out. im not sure if i like it because the raindrops kind of look like tears and im not trying to create a mood of sadness in my blog. i tried out another template with a picture in the background but i found it distracting to read my posts. ive settled on this template for now until another day when i have the patience to fuss around with it again.

status quo

life is really weird. for years things can be the same . nothing changes. ever. and then suddenly after many years of sameness it changes. poof! just like that. the change isn't always bad change , but its change. this is why one has to be flexible. things may seem like they will never change , but that do change . eventually. i guess this could count as a proof that one can actually be hopeful about achieving ones hopes, dreams and goals.

the finality of death

the thing about death is that it is so final. one cant go back and change what happened. they are still going to be deceased. you cant ever ask the deceased a question about anything. they are dead. you cant work on or change your relationship with the the deceased because , again, they are dead. the worst part is that it takes a long time to sink in . one knows these principles, but they are hard to internalize.