off the derech and beyond.....

i find it interesting discussing the off the derech situation with bts. they find it hard to understand how someone could grow up seeing the light and veer in the other direction. i do believe that the torah way is the right direction, but i do believe that everyone must make judaism their own. shivim panim latorah. i believe that everyone is different and though we may have different perspectives we still can be striving for the same purpose. by the same token i know that there are cracks in the system and i do understand why people jump ship. some people find it hard to be an individual and if they dont feel they can be part of the group they give up. some feel if they dont agree with everything in the torah they cant believe in any of it. i myself feel that even if some things are difficult to observe or believe that it doesnt mean i should give up everything . i dont know if i will ever achieve the same level as some, but who cares? its about the journey, not the destination. i know that there are alot of hypocrites disguised as gedolim which can turn people off. lack of derech eretz by those who should exhibit it the most is a huge turn off. i also know that just because i want to ignore being jewish that all of the mitzvot dont just go away. i also believe that being frum is such a big part of who i am that i dont want to give it up. i also believe g-d has rachmanas and i prefer to believe in a loving g-d,not one of fire and brimstone. i know that there is punishment for aveyros, but i prefer to dwell on the positive, because anything else is counterproductive. i dont have the wide-eyed wonder of a bt, but the determination to uphold the mitzvot as one who has sifted through the chaff .