Know it Not

     The older I get the more I realize how little I know and how much there is to know. This is another reason why I hate know it alls. They think that they know it all and I know that they cannot possibly . There is always something more to learn , another experience to gain knowledge from. As life progresses you realize that its a good thing you don't really have all of the answers as why people and things don't turn out the way one expects them to . If you are lucky you also learn how to keep your mouth shut. There is a good reason for  siyag l'chachmah shtikah. 

All Your Dreams Won't Come True

      At a certain point you realize that though you are still relatively young you will not get everything in life that you hoped you would achieve. Its not that you won't be  happy but all of your dreams won't come true. When you finally realize this its quite humbling. Its kind of like facing mortality.  This does not mean one should not reach for the stars, but there comes a point when you realize that life is never perfect and neither is yours.
    Alas all is not lost . For every lost dream there is someone who has experienced the joys and wonders of this world, just not all of the joys and wonders of this world.

Back to Chometz

      I am sad that Pesach and my vacation is over. Fortunately it still will not be a full week of work. Its those after Pessch blues.

Aging

      During chol hamoed I visited an elderly friend who is recovering from a broken hip. The saddest part is how she is lamenting the prospect of not being able to walk without a cane or a walker.  As a younger person it is easy to just brush her off. Thats just part of aging. Or is it? What if it was you? It does not really matter how old someone is. The loss of independence can be jarring. It may be expected to lose a little bit of independence with age but its no less distressing. In a way its worse. Imagine being fully independent for 95 years and then suddenly being in an accident and not being able to live alone or need to walk with a cane or walker. Imagine getting a driver's license at 16 in a city without public transportation and being told at 86 you can't drive anymore. Its devastating.  You may be old but you are still you.
      My grandmother accepted extra help with dignity. She took it matter of factly . She didn't let it get her down. It can't be easy but its a necessary quality for quality of life when one's body is not as strong as it used to be. I wish she was around now to talk to my elderly friend. She would have known just what to say. It would be easier for her to hear encouragement from someone of her generation who has gone through what she is going through.

On Being Present

      Ever have a day off of work and all you can think about is office politics and about how there is so little time to do errands? Do you spend Sunday evenings dreading going back to work on Monday? Thankfully this does not describe myself but sometimes it can be challenging to be fully in the moment. Even when this can be a challenge  it does help to even just try to put concerns on the back burner and try to be in the moment.
        To be present is kind of like taking a good picture. You look in the frame and disregard everything else that you rationally are aware surrounds the frame. The only way a photo can be fully created is if you only regard what is in that box. There will be plenty of other time to think outside the box.
          If you really want to enjoy downtime one needs to designate chunks of time to focus on the serious stuff as well as chunks of time to focus on friends, family , hobbies and relaxation instead of jumbling it all together and never being able to do any of them well.

In Loving Memory

      Time passes quicker  than one can even believe. Today is my father's fourth yartzeit. Although a lot has happened since then it is still hard to believe that it is already four years. Four years later two friends of mine have  also lost their fathers on Pesach.
       I think that the biggest lesson I have learned from the passing of my father is probably also the biggest cliche. You never fully appreciate someone until they are gone and its so important to tell loved ones how much you love and appreciate them while they are alive. It seems so obvious but easy to be lax about. Don't be.

In memory

Thinking of the grandfather and grandson who were murdered in the parking lot at the JCC and the woman who was murdered on the parking lot of Village Shalom retirement home in Overland  Park , Kansas. As we are getting ready for Pesach it is sad to hear that anti semitism is still so strong that someone would go to parking lots of Jewish organizations and use firearms. I mourn for those who were murdered, their families as well as the Jewish community of Overland Park . I have visited Kansas a few times and the Jewish community there is very kind and special. It is indeed sad for all compassionate people of the world.

Passover Reflections

     Because Pesach is in the spring and because I always take vacation on Pesach I always look at Pesach as a time to reflect and re-evaluate life. A time for new beginnings. Its a little easier to contemplate life when I'm not in my usual surroundings.
       Wishing everyone a chag kasher v'sameach.

Naomi Ragen

     Before  the recent explosion  off the derech "memoirs" there was Naomi Ragen.  She began writing her realistic controversial fictional accounts of charedi life in 1989. Everyone seemed to grumble about her feminist anti charedi stance but at least she was a good writer. Since she was writing fiction her words were a little more palatable. At least in my humble opinion. This past week I have been reading Naomi Ragen's most recent installment THE SISTER'S WEISS . What I have realized is that I would prefer to read her books than the exaggerated and not very well written "memoirs" that are available as of late.I would also prefer to read Belva Plain's book EVERGREEN or any book by Chaim Potok for that matter.They say that truth is stranger than fiction but in this case fiction is way better written. I am sure that I will continue to read the "memoirs" of the up and coming amateurs but when I really want a good read I will stick with the professionals.

Pesach Music

     This is a really good video. This girl has an amazing voice. 

Far Away

     When someone lives in the same town as their parents one can visit them more often which may or may not be a plus . The other thing is that one can just visit for a few hours and then go home and still be yotzay. I am one of those who live far from my family and when I go to visit the visits are of the marathon variety. Even when I have gone for a long weekend it still can seem like a long visit . Don't get me wrong, I love my family , but there is a reason people grow up and move out on their own. Its so we continue to love our families.
      Then again , when one lives far away from one's parents and siblings you miss out on the day to day happenings. You can talk on the phone often or even daily but its not the same as living closer geographically. There is always skype and facetime but that's only useful  if you have a relative who has embraced technology.
      I know that living in a different city than my family does has been the right thing for me. I do not know if it will always be the right thing but presently it is. Visiting one's family always puts life's decisions  in perspective. Sometimes you miss being closer by because one misses being a kid and not because you really want to be closer by all of the time.
      

Telephone.....

      Does anyone remember what these are?  Berdorf's has these in their display windows now. I bet they aren't selling them though.....LOL.

Dorming

     I live in a very frum apartment building. Some of my single friends find the thought daunting.They think if they lived in a frum apartment building they would be living with the yenta patrol. I can't say that it doesn't exist  but for the most part people are minding their own business or not looking past their own noses which is almost the same thing.
     I enjoy the security of living in a frum building. Sometimes it feels like a dorm for adults. The crazy part is that since the landlords are pretty  frum  I am almost  surprised that they let single men rent apartments on the same floors single women rent apartments. Oops. I should not even be writing this. I might give a rabbi with too much free time the idea for another chumrah to impose. My floor is super frum .There are apartments with families or there are apartments with just single women.
     

Patience

     Why is it that although I have mastered the art of patience at work , I still have a hard time summoning that same patience when I am around annoying people in my personal life? I suppose its easier to have patience when one is getting paid to be patient. Also , after being patient all day at work I feel like I am entitled to speak my mind when confronted with verbal stupidity in my personal life. I realize that there is a way of achieving some sort of balance while  being annoyed, but it is hard being an actress 24/7. When I have been able to conquer the dragon  and not lashing out when presented with irksome dialogue from primates I have felt much better about myself , but its very hard to remember when all I feel like doing is piercing  them with words.