Monday, February 1, 2016

The Goldie Locks Syndrome

      One of the hardest issues in the dating arena is getting the religious issues in sync. Everything else could be right but not that one. Its a big one. If one person is more religious the other person may not want to tweak their position to match . The less religious person might wish the more religious person would be less staunch. Of course there is a third possibility. They each could maintain their current religious values. This third possibility is a tough one depending on how wide the religious gap is. Sometimes the religious gap isn't really the internal religiosity but the externals. Is the clothing religious enough. Is the yarmulke the right color ? Are the sleeve lengths up to par?
        I really do not claim to know the answer. When people have been dating a long time they think that compromise is the only way to go. The problem is that it  would be much easier to compromise on these issues if they were younger. When one is older one has gotten used to one's own derech and its harder to imagine doing things another way even to get married. By now an older single is used to being single as well.
        I think that a person needs to think about what is actually important to them and what they think they realistically would not mind doing the way the other person would want . Some things depend on how much one really wants to do for the other person but then again not necessarily . One might think that they would not mind doing something more strictly or less strictly but three years from now when the honeymoon is over one might not think so. I think a person has to try to be realistic.
       I know that no two people are exactly alike religiously or in any of the other issues that make finding a spouse challenging, but I think that its best for two people to be more similar than less similar religiously . I have gone out with guys much more religious and guys much less religious and both are a real challenge. I think that its hard to go outside of one's comfort zone. Its hard for someone a lot less religious to suddenly want to be a lot more religious just for someone else and its equally difficult for someone much more religious to give up their current level of frumkeit. I think it would be best if each was able to maintain their own chosen religious level in a marriage but this may be difficult when raising children. This can even be difficult without the children issue. Religious level dictates what community one wants to be a part of , where one lives and  who one prefers to associate with. Judaism isn't just a bunch of  rituals . Its a way of life.
       All I can say is that its a miracle anyone gets married.

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